I think my daughter is a 'mean girl'

[Parboiluntilsoft]

Just that really. I think my 9 year old daughter may not be very kind. She is difficult at home. Possibly ND. She's demand avoidant and gets quite anxious and emotional. Often I feel that I don't enjoy her company, we're often walking on eggshells around her.

She tells me about things happening at school with her friends. From what she says, she sounds difficult there too. Moody, controlling, manipulative and high maintenance. I have tried to talk to her and reason with her and explain how much better life is if you are kind, nice (and liked!). But she just gets cross and frustrated, it makes no difference. She almost seems to enjoy the power of upsetting her 'friends'. It worries me so much, I don't know what to do to change her.

I have two older children who are not like this! They also find her high maintenance. She has a good home life - time, attention etc.

Does anyone have any experience of this please? I have spoken to school, they say she's fine and the don't seem to notice anything (she's quite sneaky too!).

Great that you've spoken to the school. If it was a little while ago I'd mention it again with specific examples of how she has acted meanly so they can keep a closer eye of what sort of thing is happening and who might be feeling beaten down by her behaviour.
If she's like that with her siblings, shut that down straight away as well. Sounds really tough, hope things get easier for you all.

No advice OP but how refreshing to have a Mum admit that her child may not be perfect, and may be the unkind one! We have a few mean girls in my daughters circle of friends and it would be so much easier if their Mum's were open to the idea of it occasionally being them at fault.

Thank you @Swaytheboat I'll talk to school again. It's tricky because it's all pretty subtle and low level, she's too clever for anything overt. I sound like I don't like her - of course I love her with all my heart. I'm just so sad that she feels she needs to behave like this. I think it's low self esteem at the root of it, and life only get harder for young girls I think. I worry she's going to end up being feared or disliked at secondary school.

@holachicatita I can imagine being like that - wha is the point of having your head in the sand. Surely they must know? Life is so tough for kids isn't it

I would just be honest with her and tell her if she behaves like that in senior school, people won’t be her friend and will actively avoid her and in adulthood too. Nobody likes a bully.

But you could get her to see a therapist before she goes, it will help.

you could have described my dsd when she was younger here, she was diagnosed adhd and ODD when she got to about 13. She is better now she’s older but definitely still has a streak in her.

Edited to add - you mention low self esteem and I think that was alot of dsd root issues too, not necessarily the diagnosis’

Done this, all the time. It doesn't seem to sink in, it makes her more determined if anything, to dig her heels in

so - I didn't mention this but there is ND and OCD in the family 😭

Thank you all, I'll look into getting her some help, but I don't hold out much hope on the NHS sadly.

Very likely then. Best thing you can start doing is speaking to the school senco. Do some research about asd/adhd etc and see if anything makes sense.

If she is ND you can’t “change” her, it’s who she is. BUT you can start parenting her now according to PDA advice (low demand, “accommodate” her wherever possible; look up “at peace parents” on social media, have found that revolutionary with my pda likely autistic but not yet diagnosed 4 year old) and when you build up the trust with her at home she will learn to tolerate more challenges outside the home. And hopefully she will find her ‘tribe’ in time. (definitely start process with school senco as will be years before an NHS assessment anyway, and sooner the better. They should listen to you and support it even if they don’t see much at school)
sending strength, it’s so hard.

I’m so glad you are on top of this hopefully it will help. I’ve found that at primary, kids get away with this because their mates have known them for years and let it slip. So it likely doesn’t get noticed by parents either as they have a group of mates .

But at secondary they will very quickly be dismissed by others when all looking to make new friends. My daughter has experienced this. She is now actively staying away from anyone being mean or causing drama because she simply has no need to be around anyone like that. She has a couple of old primary friends who are like this and she said whenever she sees them they haven’t made any new friends. There are also new girls, who she said one or two have already started making up random lies about people so they’re also being cut out of groups as the girls just don’t want to deal with that.

It’s so sad. But being mean won’t get you friends.

Is there any jealously or 3 is a crowd type situations?