My 3yo cries an obscene amount

[Imjustagirl222]

My 3yo basically never stops crying
it’s exhausting and I’m at the end of my tether

he was 3 in the autumn. He’s always been a very emotional, easily upset little boy. I can understand the tears when for example we need to leave somewhere fun and he wants to stay, or he ask for a toy and it’s a no, or asks for endless chocolate and it’s a no - when he gets upset over these things I try my best to calm and explain and use redirection.

lately tho everything makes him upset. He must cry around 10-15 times per day. Examples just today include
me asking if he wanted a drink
me asking what cereal he wanted
me saying right time to go to the swimming pool
me asking him to select a book to read

every single one of these interactions ended in him crying.
when it’s a situation like this I’m now just starting to say stop crying, because u don’t know what else to say.
he’s very verbal, he understands everything, he’s smart as a whip. But I’m living on eggshells.

Sympathising with this. My DD is 2 and always crying and wanting to be held. It's exhausting and so wearing. In my experience with my DS this peaks between 2.5 and 3.5 years and it will gradually reduce. They are learning and experiencing big emotions and everything is so tough for them.

Have you tried giving less choices in case it reduces overwhelm? Sometimes there is no understandable logic behind it though. Last week my DS who is 4 tantrumed because i filled up his empty water bottle before his sport class!

Have you considered getting him checked out by the doctor, in case there is something going on in the background to make him overtired or feel poorly to the stage where adding anything on top overwhelms him?

My now 6yo was like this. I took a bit of a hard line that if it wasn't a justifiable cry, then he got no attention. Within 2 weeks he'd stopped. It was my mum who started it, he cried at hers and she said "watch this" and calmly said to him "stop crying, having the wrong colour cup isn't something to cry about" and walked away. 30 seconds later he'd stopped. I'd been pandering too much to the cry!

Poor thing it sounds like an exhausting phase

id give lots of praise and reward moments when he doesn’t cry and as much as possible ignore / blank the crying ,

can you find any story books about stoic children we have the Anne frank book and coco Chanel story - do you know the ones I mean of historical figures ? And comment on how they don’t cry

also give him all the hugs and reassurances as he has big feelings

do you ask him why hes crying?

Mine went through this phase. More regular and filling food helped her in addition to some of the strategies above!

He's overwhelmed so instead of asking what he wants give him a choice from two. If going somewhere give him a countdown, ie we are leaving in 30 minutes, in 10 minutes, shoes time.

Agree with pp. Walking away stops the crying sooner if he's still overwhelmed with two choices.

Sounds like it is transitions that are the issue, even moving from playing to having to decide whether to have a drink can be intolerable pressure for a child that struggles with transitions.
Try to switch away from direct questions to messages. So instead of "do you want a drink" say "if/when you want a drink, come to the table"(or whatever)
You can also include visual cues eg putting the drink out if it makes sense.
Look up low demand parenting there are a lot of ideas and it can head off a lot of these issues. But it does get exhausting, but it's better than the alternative!

So for the transitions I do the whole thing of one more time down the slide or countdown on the swings etc. helps sometimes but like I say I can be sympathetic to this as I know why he’s upset so in these circumstances I am calm and get down to his level explain i know it sucks to leave the park etc but we need to go…

when he cried yday morning about a drink we were in the house and all I said was do you want a drink now and he cried for 10 mins. Or he asked to go swimming which I was happy to do then he cried because he didn’t want me to pack a swimming bag.

in terms of choices it always 2 eg I put out 2 cereals in the morning or I look out 2 pairs of shoes or 2 jackets etc.

I think some of it can be linked back to hunger, despite the fact he eats well and food is readily available, I do notice better mood when he’s had a particularly satiating meal.

yes I ask him why he’s crying but he just gets himself so upset he’s in no state to talk.

hugs are always offered when the crying subsides.

i do think the strategy of not pandering to the cry when it is over something like asking him if he wants a drink etc maybe the way to go.

Given he's very verbal and meeting all milestones it's probably too early to query neurodiversity but it might be something to keep in the back of your mind for later on. Or he might just be a big feeler and as he grows he will gain more of a handle on his emotions and they won't overtake him as much.

It can be a strength when they are very emotionally sensitive (one of mine is now a teenager so I have seen it all the way through!) but it is tough while they are still in the process of learning how to navigate big emotions. Getting him talking about feelings and using feelings words can help. The How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk books were fantastic for me - I would probably suggest the original over the Little Kids version (unless you already own the Little Kids one, then there's too much overlap to really bother).

I also like "theteachermomma" on instagram. I don't usually rate many social media parenting "gurus" but she has a REALLY good line IMO between understanding and supporting kids who are emotionally volatile without getting sucked into anxiety-based parenting (which is what a lot of social media does). So she advocates for letting them get on with it some proportion of the time and not always trying to rescue them from their emotions.

Janet Lansbury also has some very helpful writing about this IMO. Not so much her books, which cover a different angle, but many of her blog posts (especially ~2012-2015 ish) discuss parents feeling anxious or unsettled by children's big emotions, and how to move through that to be the confident, steady "rock" in their storm (sorry I know this is very American/therapist type talk, but it was a useful visual image for me.)

Conscious Discipline is also really great for this sort of "road map" about how to stay calm yourself and not catch their escalated state, and still hold the boundary etc. You can look at the materials on their website, or there is a social media influencer Mr. Chazz who often makes content using the tools from this approach. I find it is incredibly well designed because for each concept, they have created a visual or memorable thing which you can practice in advance in order to have it more easily accessible when your brain has gone into the overwhelmed by emotion state. One of the simplest tricks I have learned from this which was an absolute game changer for me/our family was that when I notice a child is in one of these states, I crouch down in front of them and take up to three long, slow deep breaths myself. This often triggers them to copy and that deep breathing usually helps root both of you on a much calmer footing and it almost becomes an automatic reflex, which can really help.

Choices don’t work for all kids. He sounds like he’s feeling pressured by them. Have you tried just giving him one default cereal and then only swapping it if he explicitly ask. Ditto the asking if he needs a drink. Leave a water bottle in his eyeline and I’m sure he’ll drink when he feels thirsty. Transitions are tough for a lot of little kids. Snacks really help. Especially when they have to leave somewhere fun like the playground having a really yummy snack to incentivise and distract always did the trick for mine. Then yeah I’d completely ignore any crying over nothing. I used to tell mine I didn’t understand because I don’t speak whinge!

Totally ignore the whining. You know if he is ill/in pain/genuinely upset/frightened

Sometimes a short sharp shock can help. Down to his level, low voice and STOP THAT NOISE NOW.

I think some of it can be linked back to hunger, despite the fact he eats well and food is readily available, I do notice better mood when he’s had a particularly satiating meal. yes I ask him why he’s crying but he just gets himself so upset he’s in no state to talk.

To be fair a lot of adults don't recognise being hangry and when questioned would probably get even angrier so a 3 yr old won't understand that he's crying because of not feeling satiated. Now that you know it might be a cause start looking at what he is eating when he's crying the most. Being full of fruit might not be enough for him but would be for a different child iyswim.

I think you’ve had some really good advice already. If you think he’s hungry, have a look at this guide from the Caroline Walker Trust. I was recommended ot and for me it worked. I had been underestimating just how many calories my DS needed.

It is also good that his speech is advanced. I would still do this progress checker from Speech & Language UK just to check that there are no issues with his understanding.