Talking to a 5 year old about death

[Allme501]

Please help, looking for some advice please.

My 5 year old, who has separation anxiety, has recently started asking about death. He mostly asks about what age we will be when we die, where do we go, do we come back and also where older relatives parents are and why they are not here.

I have tried telling him the truth in the gentlest and briefest way possible but any notion of us leaving him and not coming back just makes him cry!

I’m temped to lie and say we will be here forever just to save him the upset right at this
moment but I don’t want to do the wrong thing.

Any advice?

'usually people don't die until they are very old, so old that their bodies are worn out and can't work properly any more. Me and Daddy aren't very old are we? Look, our bodies are working just fine! When we are so old we are nearly ready to die you will be a proper grown up man, just like Daddy. But that won't be for ever such a long time.

You don't need to worry about it, we will both be here looking after you for as long as you need looking after'

Please don't lie to him

Definitely be honest, don’t lie, but can do it in a reassuring way - we will be very very old…his focus on it will lessen over time but it’s overwhelming as a concept as he first gets his head around it. There’s a good book called why do things die - my 4 year old really likes it (got it when both her grandads were ill, one has since died) www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/first-questions-and-answers-why-do-things-die-book-katie-daynes-9781474979887?sku=NGR9781474979887&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22656538464&gbraid=0AAAAADZzAIDhJMoCvBTQRtOfCLq6xrKtr&gclid=Cj0KCQiAyvHLBhDlARIsAHxl6xoisFZ7Sg4JbaG8ztJCz6JRfr1K24dcHNc-BuzNLiCrNZBEJU2ArZIaAolfEALw_wcB

All the kids in my son's preschool room talk about death all the time. The other day DS asked me how you get to heaven when you die. He thought maybe on the bus. I think they're all just interested, but it is quite abstract to them as mostly it is something that they understand to happen when you are very old.

This.

Our ddog died when my DS waa 3. Someone told him he had gone up in the sky! We then had a month of nightmares and looking in the sky for Ddog whenever we were outside!

Eventually I just thought sod it and said the person who said that was wrong and that ddog isn’t lost in the sky but he was poorly - very very poorly and died. He was old. I explained things don live forever. We picked some flowers at that time aswell and we put them in a vase at home and each day I pointed out they were getting old and eventually they died and I showed DS and we talked about it in detail. Now we have another dog, and we’ve already had a chat about him being old (rescue) and that one day he will die too but what’s important is we have a lovely time with him now and we are all kind to each other whilst we are together. I also use it as an opportunity to talk about health and looking after our bodies eg ddog can’t have (a lot of) cheese because it would be bad for his body etc etc and we want to look after his body so we can all have walks / fun etc etc. Not easy but I think honesty is best policy!! x

yes, gone to a better place/is sleeping/watching you from heaven etc etc all very unhelpful

Just answer him honestly and simply. If you have a faith based answer then use that.

When are you going to die? 'I don't know, nobody knows that'

Where do we go? - 'Faith answer' or 'We go into people's memories and our bodies go back into the earth'

Do we come back 'No, dying means you can't come back, even if you really want to, which is sad'

It's okay for him to cry - thinking about this means dealing with difficult emotions - sadness and fear and it's okay to name them/talk about them.

https://winstonswish.org/how-to-talk-to-children-about-death/

This charity has some great advice.

It is OK for him to be upset at the idea of death. Now, whilst you are here to help him with it. That’s why he is asking now.

The alternative is that he finds out about it when you are not here to help him with it.

My DC had all lost multiple close relatives and much loved pets by age 5 (two had seen the actual death process and all had seen someone who was dead or a pet who was dead by that age).

It’s the circle of life - do not lie to them and do not say they are in heaven/in in the sky/and never say they are asleep!

The invisible string book might be good for him.

I like the picture book 'No matter what'

Small said, “But what about when you're dead and gone – would you love me then, does love go on?” Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night, at the moon in the dark and the stars shining bright. “Small, look at the stars – how they shine and glow. Yet some of those stars died a long time ago. Still they shine in the evening skies - Love, like starlight, never dies'

IME this is the age where many children go through this phase. My children had the example of their cousin’s parent (my in law) who died suddenly in early 40s (before my DC were born, but talked about a lot), so they knew it’s not just old, but also sick - even if nobody knew and it was sudden. I think it’s hard for them to get their head around it at 5 but gentle honesty is the only way. In our family the cousins who lost their parent had to be told very clearly that they were not in the sky/looking down/gone to sleep etc etc as they had to understand at very young ages that it was irreversible.

We always talked about how although you die you live on in the people you love. I gave the example of my father and how I am the person I am because of what he taught me. That love carries on. There are books that can help. We had one called The Paper Dolls. But we did always stress that you only die when you are old and your body wears out.

It’s also important to stress that when we die we live on in the memories of our loved ones.