Screamed at my 4 year old… so upset with myself

[Cruzsteer]

I have screamed at the top of my lungs at my 4 year old this morning. I have cried and I feel so so so guilty.

he has just turned 4 and his behaviour has been tricky recently, very awkward, saying no to us constantly when we ask him to do something, refusing to go to bed and playing up etc even though we try our best to make bedtime a nice time. He is also using some language which I don’t like, for example he keeps saying ‘I hate this’ about certain things, he called me fat, and says ‘I don’t care’ all the time when we ask him to do something. We genuinely don’t use this language around him, we would never call anyone or anything fat especially not around our kids, we try and not use negative language etc, he is at school nursery and he said one of the other children called the teacher fat so I think that’s where he has heard it from. I told him we don’t call people fat and it’s mean, he said i dont care. He just seems to have lost his kindness recently which upsets me.

anyway early this morning he was asking me for a cereal bar (he’d already had breakfast ) but I was Trying to rock my poorly 1 year old to sleep, I said I will get you one in a minute once I’ve got baby asleep. he dragged his little table over to the kitchen side and started opening the tea,coffee and sugar pots. He started throwing the teabags everywhere so I said please stop, then he started putting all the washing up which was on the draining board back In the sink where there were some dirty pots so again i said please don’t but he ignored me again, so i went over and lifted him down off the table. I had stayed calm by this point. I started putting the washing up back and he stayed ramming the plastic table into the back of my legs and laughing. I turned round and said please don’t that hurts mummy. He kept doing it and laughed. I tried my best to ignore but then he rammed it really hard into the back of my legs and I span round and screamed ‘don’t you dare!!!’ And pointed my finger at him, i shouted so loud I shocked myself, the look on his little face broke my heart instantly, he ran and hid under the kitchen table. I started crying and went and got him straight away and said sorry I shouted it was wrong of me
To should but you hurt mummy. He said sorry mummy but he was so upset and hasn’t spoken since he has just sat on my knee looking sad.

I feel like the worst mum in the world

Kids learn through reinforcement. Everytime you ask nicely and he disobeys, he is learning to ignore you. Consistently applied boundaries are kind. They allow the child to express themselves within allowed parameters. Personally, I think a lot of kids would benefit from a quick dose of shock and awe, which is what you have done here. There is a level past mum asking him nicely not to do something. That level is scary. He now might listen when mum asks nicely.

Is this the first time you have yelled at him? Lol. I had a lovely childhood growing up with Indian parents so I would have loved to just be yelled at anytime I did something wrong. Usually my grandma accompanied the yelling with her rolling pin or a spanking when I tested her as a kid😂

He's fine btw.

Fucks sake it sounded like it had to be done. You do sound a bit too passive and he's pushing you seeing how far he can go. Kids need boundaries, rules and consequences. It makes them feel safe.

I’m sorry but all this “please stop you are hurting mummy” nonsense is not getting you anywhere.

A stern “We do NOT ram tables into people” should have been your first reaction. He needed to be shocked and a bit stunned/scared.

If he’d have carried on again, I’d have really shouted at him.

Is it any wonder we have kids running riot and not listening to parents??
We get parents coming on here when they have a strapping 15 year old who is rude and violent and they are at their wits end. It’s not hard to see how these teenagers get this way when they are so pandered to growing up and never given a bloody good telling off when they need it.

I think you'll love Janet Lansbury OP, try her podcast Unruffled x

My ds would laugh if you did this.

I sometimes think gentle parenting might only work wit gentle children.

We have all done it. Don’t beat yourself up about it

If someone was ramming something into the back of my legs no way would I calmly be saying ‘please stop’. Yes we make allowances because they are children, but mine are held to the same standards of behaviour I hold to everyone else and that is not acceptable! Nothing he was doing was acceptable. All this does is create kids who grow up into rude and unkind adults which I suspect you don’t want him to be!

Yo think you and his dad need to follow this up with a formal talking-to - sit him down and outline what he did during this incident which was unacceptable plus the consequences of it happening again. Not a time to listen to him at that point. Calm, firm and authoritative voices. Then a hug when he agrees and remind him of this before the situation escalates next time.

You are NOT your mother. Now, hold your head up high and parent with fairness but also firm consequences for inappropriate behaviour. Your children need this for their own good.

I don't think it's bad at all. You remained patient until he kept on pushing and then flipped (a bit). That it a natural reaction to his persistent annoying behaviour which he was definitely aware of. Everyone loses it sometimes, whether they say they do or not.

I think it's a pretty normal reaction to yell when someone hurts you. I do think you need to be more clear, you don't have to be mean but telling him to leave the clean dishes where they are and not to throw tea isn't mean. It's our job to teach our children how to behave so they can get along with others, and it would have worked better to have physically stopped him much earlier but you are only one person trying to care for more than one child , with baby not feeling well you were doing your best and he's still learning.

The child can laugh; it's one of many natural reactions in a 4 year old. It's a natural nervous reaction in adults too.

The important thing is that the behaviour can't continue because the item has been removed. That's the goal, isn't it?

Is it? I don’t know, and I don’t mean that in an arsey way.

I would say this is where a lot of gentle parenting does fall down a bit because it does rely quite heavily on being able to physically stop / prevent a child doing something. Once you can’t do that (or can only do that with a lot of difficulty) it is a struggle.

Totally! As adults we laugh when we're nervous, we laugh when we're embarrassed - either through bravado or because it's a genuine nervous reaction - I know lots of adults who laugh when being reprimanded for things; it's not ideal but totally natural.

The goal is that you do it consistently enough that the behaviours are engrained by the time they're old enough / tall enough to make it not work anymore. I don't think gentle parenting is one size fits all, works for everyone etc because all families are different (I think a lot of DD's behaviour is her generally being quite placid and sweet, and definitely wouldn't attribute all of it to the gentle parenting!), but if the OP wants to try gentle parenting, I just wanted to offer the suggestion of what worked with us, because DD definitely went through that stage at 3/4 of being an absolute terror 😂

There are a lot of reasons why children laugh, but the point was that speaking in a firm voice would not have made any impression on my ds at all, none whatsoever, he would be at best nonplussed by it.

And since I don’t want him going through life ramming tables into people sometimes you do have to come in a little stronger to reinforce that it’s completely unacceptable.

He deserved it and was frankly being a little shit!

This hits hard because of your own upbringing but this is not the same situation. You were told off repeatedly as a child even when you hadn’t done anything. This is obviously wrong and damaging.

your son however absolutely deserved to be shouted at today.

the two scenarios are very different and you need to separate them out and stop feeling guilty because you are clearly not a terrible mum but have probably gone too far the other way with the gentle parenting. Your son needs firm boundaries and fast. Not to say that you have to resort to shouting every time but when it’s called for then you must do it and not beat yourself up.

He will think twice next time and that’s what it is important here. Soon you will have two kids running around and you breaking down over scolding him isn’t going to fly. He’s vey, being naughty and needed a good telling off. He will forget by this afternoon.

Meh, he was behaving appallingly. If you just shout endlessly at a child, then that's abusive. If they behave terribly and you ask them several times to stop and you then shout after they ignore you, then I don't think it's dreadful parenting. Gentle parenting might sound nice on paper but in the real world, sometimes they need to be told in no uncertain terms to behave.

Good grief , what an over reaction. . He was badly behaving , put himself and you in harms way . You asked him to stop and he ignored you . He needed telling . Stop with this gentle parenting crap and provide your child with boundaries and that he needs to do what you tell him .

I don’t think gentle parenting is crap, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for every single scenario and situation. Just as endless talk about boundaries and consequences isn’t either.

Yes it is . Children need boundaries and respect and it must be hugely confusing for a young child to be yelled at then cuddled there there bless . How on earth to they recognise what to listen to .

That's the problem with it IMO - often completely age inappropriate. Like the post above about waiting an unspecified time to then have a retrospective chat about behaviour, which is not appropriate for a four year old.

I honestly think gentle parenting is to blame for an awful lot of the shit show we’ve got with young people, depression, and lack of resilience. We reap what we sow. Gentle parenting came from the crap that our parents did in the 70s and 80s (even 90s) just like they were the product of their parents. This needs to change. There’s a sweet spot between abusive parenting and gentle parenting.

Sounds like he deserved it tbh