Screamed at my 4 year old… so upset with myself

[Cruzsteer]

I have screamed at the top of my lungs at my 4 year old this morning. I have cried and I feel so so so guilty.

he has just turned 4 and his behaviour has been tricky recently, very awkward, saying no to us constantly when we ask him to do something, refusing to go to bed and playing up etc even though we try our best to make bedtime a nice time. He is also using some language which I don’t like, for example he keeps saying ‘I hate this’ about certain things, he called me fat, and says ‘I don’t care’ all the time when we ask him to do something. We genuinely don’t use this language around him, we would never call anyone or anything fat especially not around our kids, we try and not use negative language etc, he is at school nursery and he said one of the other children called the teacher fat so I think that’s where he has heard it from. I told him we don’t call people fat and it’s mean, he said i dont care. He just seems to have lost his kindness recently which upsets me.

anyway early this morning he was asking me for a cereal bar (he’d already had breakfast ) but I was Trying to rock my poorly 1 year old to sleep, I said I will get you one in a minute once I’ve got baby asleep. he dragged his little table over to the kitchen side and started opening the tea,coffee and sugar pots. He started throwing the teabags everywhere so I said please stop, then he started putting all the washing up which was on the draining board back In the sink where there were some dirty pots so again i said please don’t but he ignored me again, so i went over and lifted him down off the table. I had stayed calm by this point. I started putting the washing up back and he stayed ramming the plastic table into the back of my legs and laughing. I turned round and said please don’t that hurts mummy. He kept doing it and laughed. I tried my best to ignore but then he rammed it really hard into the back of my legs and I span round and screamed ‘don’t you dare!!!’ And pointed my finger at him, i shouted so loud I shocked myself, the look on his little face broke my heart instantly, he ran and hid under the kitchen table. I started crying and went and got him straight away and said sorry I shouted it was wrong of me
To should but you hurt mummy. He said sorry mummy but he was so upset and hasn’t spoken since he has just sat on my knee looking sad.

I feel like the worst mum in the world

Maybe it’ll make him think twice next time. Whh are you doing this gentle “please stop” crap when he is being disobedient, misbehaving or deliberately hurting you? All of that is run of the mill toddler behaviour pushing the boundaries but a “please stop” isn’t going to cut it to show him firmly that’s unacceptable. You need to be firmer and explain to him that if he continues then there will be a consequence - and follow through with that consequence

Agree with pp sorry but sounds like more gentle parenting crap. Be a strong parent & assert boundaries, be strong and firm with him so he knows what is acceptable and what isn’t not soft and gentle and it wouldn’t get to that stage. If he starts to make a move to open the tea and coffee you say in a authoritative firm voice “don’t you dare!” and give him a look. Not “please don’t do that..”

Tbh I feel you did him a favour. If you push people hard enough they will eventually snap. It's better to find that out now rather than as a adolescent interacting with strangers in the big wide world. I think an awful lot of children these days are going to be getting a big shock when they start experiencing the wider world.

Yeah I'm not surprised you snapped. Sorry you feel awful though. I'm amazed you lasted 4 years before shouting!

I don't think begging children to behave is helpful. They're egocentric at this age so basically and developmentally don't care that they hurt you.

You can be a gentle parent and still firm with boundaries.

Tell him no and if he carries on say "stop that or I will remove x" and if he doesn't, you follow through - every single time. It is exhausting but they need it.

I actually think the problem is that you didn't go in hard enough, soon enough. You don't have to go immediately to shouting but I would have physically stopped him at the tea bags.

If you keep asking nicely, with no results, you push yourself past what you can tolerate and that's when you end up shouting. Draw your line quickly and effectively for your own sanity.

'I will not let you do that' put the baby down, take him off the table, put it away. Redirect, timeout, whatever you do. But do it straight away. The consequences of a unruly toddler are much greater than a grumpy baby

He wasn’t listening to you so yes a firmer voice needed

you said no - don’t - stop etx

he ignored

shouting mean you lost control but maybe he will think twice now

his behaviour is unacceptable and can’t go on

Yeah you sound like you're being too passive here i used to start with please stop Then crank it up a notch with a louder that's enough Then raise it to I said no while removing them usually it didn't get beyond the enough stage and for dangerous/hurtful behaviour it was a no and simultaneously removing

Also, you need to deal with the nasty mouth or someone at school will and in a less pleasant manner children are free with their fists at that age

It's fine for him to see the impact of his behaviour on you. Stop the gentle parenting crap and be more firm from the start.

And yes I know some posters will be along stat to say gentle parenting is about being firm blah blah blah.

Don’t feel bad - we all do it.
I would however agree with others that maybe he would go well with a little more firm discipline in general especially when you have a baby to look after.

I dont think this sounds bad at all. Asking him nicely repeatedly obviously wasn’t working and he needed a firmer tone.

Agree with all pps. He is 4 and full well to understand consequences of actions. He was testing you to see how far he could push you. Now he knows. Be firmer.

Kids need boundaries and discipline. Sounds like he had finally had some. This ‘gentle parenting’ nonsense needs to stop as we all have to live with the consequences.

You were asking him nicely, when in reality, with that behaviour, he needs telling firmly. Asking nicely clearly isnt working.

Don't be too hard on yourself OP, we have all been here.

Proper gentle parenting has gotten lost in all the permissive / passive parenting advice being thrown around.

It is gentle parenting to assert firm boundaries in a clear way. "Please stop" is passive - it's a request, something he can choose to ignore.

The very first time it happens, get to his level and say "I'm not going to let you hurt me, I am taking this away so that you can't hurt me with it".

Take the item away, he might get upset - that's ok, he's experiencing the logical consequences of his behaviour. (Logical consequences are good and important in gentle parenting alongside natural consequences).

Then you can have a conversation, without the temptation of the item, about why you took it away, and set a short time frame for when he can have it back and try again. If the behaviour repeats, the consequence repeats.

He won't be irreparably harmed by one instance of shouting; I think he'll think twice before doing the same again - but for sustainable gentle parenting that preserves your sanity (and voice!) and your relationship with him, it has to be firm boundaries, clearly enforced every time, with explanations and rebuilding afterwards.

Agree with this.

Oh well he won't do it again will he!

Putting a toy up high and sticking to your guns works wonders. Give him a warning or two. Then ignore the tantrum that follows. Remember too that simple phrase at this age work best, no need to make it too complicated or emotional. Follow through always after a few warnings. I'm a mum who has regrets of her own how I handled that age. I have a memory of me dragging them back into time out by the feet after they had run out a million times. I was adamant they were going back on the naughty spot. I had been watching supernanny. Time out worked but I wouldn't do it again personally. Id stick to taking a toy away and sticking to your guns. Don't be too hard on yourself. It wasn't ideal but it's a tricky stage

You’re not a bad mum for yelling. I discussed something similar to this incident with a therapist recently and she stressed that parents yell and that’s okay. Kids will face conflict in the ‘real’ world and so seeing how conflict can be resolved in a safe home isn’t the worst thing. The important thing is to repair - say sorry for shouting but reiterate that you won’t let him hurt you.

Next time, rather than ignoring the chair ramming situation, just take the chair and say “I know you want my attention but I won’t let you hurt me”. I think there are some boundaries (like causing harm to others) that need a very clear, immediate response and sometimes to be physically stopped (removing the object or the child). He clearly wanted your attention and it escalated from there. You dealt with it as best you could. Say sorry and normalise/model that key stage of a conflict. And don’t let your toddler hurt you!

Im pretty sure toddler boys get a testosterone surge around 4 and that means lots of boundary testing. The best thing you can do for them is show them clear and consistent boundaries so they know that you’ve ’got this’. It makes them feel safer. That doesn’t mean saying no all the time (like he is!), it’s more showing him the real red lines (hurting people) or non negotiables (bedtime, teeth brushing etc.). This may mean more battles in the short run but if you deal with battles consistently, he’ll get the message!

It sounds like he needed to hit a boundary which he did 🤷‍♀️

Don’t feel guilty, hopefully he’ll think twice before banging a table into your legs next time.

Better to learn from you that hurting people is not on If he tries that at school he'll probably get thumped by one of his peers.

He is walking all over you. He would have been firmly removed from the vicinity the first time he ignored me.

Thanks for your replies everyone. I have read every one of them and I appreciate your advice.

I have raised my voice a few times before but this morning I’ve never shouted so loud before ever, and that’s why I was so upset and the look of pure hurt on his face.

Fyi, I grew up in a household with a mum who shouted all the time whenever I didn’t immediately do what she wanted and she would use emotional blackmail and guilt to keep me in line. my earliest memories are of exactly that. She was a very manipulative woman and would cry whenever I was ‘naughty’ and tell me how depressed I made her. looking back, I wasn’t naughty at all. I have ended up a very anxious adult scared
to make mistakes. My dh also had a shouty dad so we both promised we wouldn’t parent like that.

we are the first to admit we are too soft at times. I just don’t want my kids to feel the way I felt growing up. But I understand every point you all make, think he would definitely benefit for more firm but fair boundaries and much more direct language from us.

Raising voice obv wasn’t working

hes 4 and this will hopefully stick in his mind and he will start to listen

is he like this at pre school ? Do teachers say he didn’t always obey /listen

or he saves it all for you and therefore a shout may make him think

Good grief - at 4 he’s old enough to understand what he was doing. To have deliberately rammed a table into you is not acceptable and I don’t think you over reacted at all. He might think twice before behaving like they again.