Challenging 7yo

[needtoforget]

My newly 7yo has quite challenging behavior and I just don’t know how to handle it. I’m looking for opinions and ideas. I know that parenting advise tells to always stay calm, never shame the child and all that. But that’s so hard - especially when they end up bullying their younger sibling! You have to react strongly to that, right??

Examples of his unpleasant behavior. He gets meltdowns where he fully screams if things don’t go his way. Last time this happened when he went to help himself to cake just before bedtime and I told him no. He claimed I had promised it - which I absolutely hadn’t. Variations of this have been quite common lately. Seems he won’t take no for an answer.

He also does things to annoy his sister to the point where she’s in tears. He may also slap her and such. I tell him no firmly every time and remove his screen time. Sadly I can see that his screaming and tantruming stresses DC2, and she’ll want to leave the room when it’s happening.

I just sometimes feel downright angry at him for acting like a jerk to be honest. I try my best to still talk to him calmly etc but often fail. He’ll also stick his fingers into his ears and makes loud noise as to not to hear what I say. But what should you be able to expect of a 7yo? Should you assume they can behave better and should be disciplined for poor behavior? Last night he was deliberately annoying his sister, slapped her, called her stupid, and screamed after the cake incident. His screen time is now removed. On the other hand it feels wrong to punish a child who is clearly struggling in some way - and frankly I suspect he has some level of ND.

Outside of these episodes of meltdowns and bullying, my DS is lovely. Smart, sporty does well in school, has friends.

Anyone in the same boat? Anyone has found ways to manage this type of behavior?

It doesn't matter if they are ND. Your son is violent to his sister. You have a duty to protect her. Yes of course punishment is appropriate. Sometimes reacting strongly is calmly sending to their room and not engaging until they've calm down though. There's nothing to say you have to tell off by shouting or doing it then and there.

Tbh permanent removal of the screen until his behaviour towards his violent behaviour stops would be where I'd start if you do suspect ND. He's not emotionally regulating and the screen won't help that.

Yea, that’s good advise. I just can’t imagine he’d actually go to his room without being dragged there by force. Sometimes we have removed him to another room to give his sister calm. We have had to carry him kicking and screaming. Do these challenging kids just go to their room when told so generally?? and yes, shouting is definitely not the answer and I try my best to avoid it. But I just lose my temper sometimes. I do talk to him about it afterwards and often apologize.

A meltdown is not a behaviour issue. It’s an issue of emotional regulation. He needs to be taught how to recognise his emotions and needs and respond to them appropriately. If you suspect ND then you need to explore sensory issues and how they maybe adding to overwhelm during the day. At 7 with suspect ND a lot of this will be coregulation which means you need to sort your own regulation out. At the moment you think your 7 year old is a jerk because he can’t use skills that you as an adult are also struggling to use to use.

The slapping has to stop. You say he bullies and then slaps. You need to stepping in as soon as the bullying starts as this isn’t acceptable either and leads to the slapping.

You can't ask a child not to lose his temper if you are losing your temper. It's hard, but you need to learn not to shout.

What are you doing about suspected neuro diversity?

You need to supervise more closely to prevent it being possible for him to hit his sister. Don't leave them in a room alone.

Also, assess the whole family set up to remove triggers. For example, if he has trouble around food, don't have tempting food visible in the house. Reduce screen time. Increase exercise. Increase art, craft, gardening or other helpful activities. Increase routines and stick to them. This reduces stress for everyone.

I don’t think he’s a jerk. I feel angry at times for acting like one.

He probably feels similiar about you losing your temper.

I’m currently not doing anything about suspected ND. Besides reading about it. I’m honestly not sure how for example OT would work for him. But that might be an option. I generally feel like we allow him quite a lot to express his feelings etc without shouting at him or such. I don’t usually end up shouting when he has this behavior, but sometimes I do. We often simply can’t get to him by talking calmly. He’ll continue the behaviors, runs around the room etc. In those cases we sometimes carry him to another room (not shout). Sometimes he’ll stop when I say if he won’t stop he’s screen time is over. Shouting at him is not the usual thing happening.

Probably

He does a lot of sport and is good at that. I think he struggles with impulse control
and emotional regulation mainly. And doesn’t like be told no or told what to do. He’ll quickly say “no I won’t” or he’ll try do the thing he’s being told no to nevertheless.

I also try to always notice when he does something nice - especially to his sister. I tell him how lovely that was etc. And he also does those things regularly.

You need to speak to professionals about suspected ND.
Speak to GP, speak to school.

You need to do something about your shouting.

You need to prevent the hitting, not telling him off afterwards.

You need to change things overall to reduce problems in the house.

Hitting was a hard line for me.

i’d say “no hitting” and remove to bedroom. Yes, I often needed to carry and yes they often were kicking and screaming.

then if necessary I’d sit holding the door closed.

there is probably stuff you can do to work in prevention - eg put cakes etc out of sight, have food that is freely available in sight (fruit etc).

sister - do they share toys? Is it clear whose is whose?

yes some seven year olds will put hands in ears and pretend they can’t hear you. Stick to “no that’s not ok” and don’t bother with any more words.

he’s trying to upset you.

He has no issues at school or outside home really. I’ve spoken to a few professionals in more inofficial setting, and they didn’t seem that concerned. Moreover, where I live accessing support for this type of thing is not easy at all. He has episodes of challenging behavior but isn’t like that all the time, even at home. There are certain triggers like hunger and tiredness that absolutely make it worse, and obviously we try our best to prevent those. But it doesn’t work all the time. He has easier times and more difficult phases, currently being in the latter. If someone has it all figured out, never loses their temper and is able to prevent undesired behavior at all times,
then great for them. I guess they deserve a medal.

@mnhq can you please move this thread to 30 days only

Yea, sharing toys hasn’t been that much of an issue. It’s more like he’ll for example physically stop her from going somewhere, tries to grab her hat and that kind of thing.

What you say about carrying kicking and screaming child and holding a door closed sounds familiar. It helps to know others are going through the same situations.

Also, it sounds like you are past this stage
by now. Around what age did things get easier regarding this type of behavior?

By using force and dragging him to his room all you are teaching him is that’s it’s ok to physically overpower someone who is weaker than you, not great for when he’s an adult man.

There is a huge amount of information and resources available online to help with emotional regulation for both parents and children. Lots of charities run online workshops/courses so you could start with those. Also find and book a 1:1 advice session, either find a local service or could try Contact. They’ll be able to give you tailored advice.

The primary focus needs to be keeping your daughter safe and stopping him from hitting her. Likely to be around identifying triggers, implementing consistent routines, assessing any sensory needs, sleep difficulties - all of which will help with general behaviours.

As another poster said you need to focus on prevention rather than punishment.

Also if he has ADHD it’s only going to get more difficult as he gets older, particularly once he hits puberty so much better to get a referral in now or look at private assessments.

Plus look at your own/DH behaviour and lifestyle. Is your home calm, organised, do you have good communication etc? All of this can impact children’s behaviour and can be areas you can work on to help both of your children.