I feel so sad and desperate

[NotABanana]

My DS1 and DD have just completely ruined DS2's birthday.

I am off to eat my dinner.

Have you had any counselling for the bad things that happened to you? Because it does sound like you have an awful lot to deal with, both sad memories from your own childhood and the struggles of being a parent.

Sending lots of hugs!

My eldest DS (13) has ADHD, dyslexia and Asperger's syndrome. Although his biggest problem at the mo is being a teenager. He has been a worry for years.
DD (12) also going through teenagerism. She backchats me on everything I say, and I am wrong in everything I do.
Youngest DS (9) Asperger's syndrome, but is the sweetest child ever.
I love them all dearlly and I too have gone through the "I am a failure" phase. It is just what I now refer to as a bad day. These days pass and are soon forgotten.
Also, my poor mum is dying of cancer. All this shit going on and it is just "life".
You can either let it get to you, as sometimes I do, or you can make the best of it and focus on the positive.
Generally, I like my life, life is what you make it.

NAB
I have children the same age as yours. They exhibit similar behaviour - they fight, squabble, shout, can forget their manners, can get angry for no reason, and some days they make me really cross, sad, frustrated and disappointed, and I cannot wait for bedtime.

However, I know that I am a good parent. They are lively, clever, interesting, imperfect children. Other people may have got better behaved children - lucky them. I got live wires (well, 2 out of the 3 are). However, I don't see their behaviour as a sum total of my parenting, and I know they would be ten times worse if I was a worse parent.

Some children are just hard work. I do envy parents whose children are easier to deal with, but I know that they were lucky rather than better than me.

So, I agree with the PP. You need to allow someone to help you see this. It also sounds like you expect yourself to be a crap parent as your parents were too. The fact that you care so much shows that you are not like your parents.

Please see your GP about getting some counselling. It is not an admission of anything, other than you saying that you want to improve your life.

Seriously, you have a lot to be thankful for, but aren't in a mindset to be able to enjoy what you have. Some talking therapy may be painful, but could do you the world of good I am sure.

Yes kids can be a PITA and cause you to question yourself, but if you can build up your reserves a bit, you will find it easier to deal with the crap and get some more joy into your life.

Please takes all the suggestions here seriously - you are not crap, you just think you are, and you can change that

Thanks kerry

just waiting for ocado to come so will read and respond properly later

xposts

dh wants to watch 24 but i will be back

thank you

Smile.
You're not alone.

I have had some counselling when I was dx with depression but I didn't find it helpful and I could never just say what had happened as I didn't want to say it out loud and make it real. I would always try and make a joke of it.

NAB, try another counsellor. You need one where you feel safe enough to start opening up about your feelings.

The way I see it is that you can either choose to continue as you are and for life to feel a battle with everything kept closed in. Or, you can reach out and try to improve things, while recognising that it will be hard path, but surely what you are living with at the moment is hard too, but with no sense that things will improve?

Set yourself a deadline. If things aren't feeling better and you aren't feeling more positive by other means (and by this I would recommend cutting down (or out) alcohol and sugar, plus do some exercise every day - enough to make you puff), cut down screen time, try to see the positive - give youself a challenge every day), then go to your GP and see about outside help.

It sounds to me like you will need to do this sooner or later. Be strong and make the move yourself. Of course there will always be reasons and circumstances which may make it hard, but it really is the key to life getting better....

I am scared to open up but I do so desperately want to be a better parent.

Right, well to be a better parent you need to get yourself straightened out a bit. If you are desperate for things to improve, make Monday's challenge to make a GP appointment.

NAB, some kids are a pain in the bum, some will not be told, and will still do exactly what you have told them not to 20 times. Some peoples' children fall into line at a serious voice and a raised eyebow. I actually have one of the latter and two of the former, so I am sure it is not my parenting that makes two of my children the way they are. They just need more training than others.

I am sure that my children recognise this confidence I have. They push and push, and get into trouble and can't help themselves, but ask them in a calm moment and they know I am the boss and that I have their best interests at heart.

I know that they feel secure and loved, even though I do lose my temper with them. I would be a saint if I didn't. I have resources to draw on when they are driving me mad, and I may go to bed regretting shouting at them, but I never go to bed thinking I am crap.

You need to find your inner resources. I think until you resolve things within yourself you don't have enough to be able to cope with the daily crap. However it is down to you. You need to be the one to reach out - no-one else can do it.

When I was a nanny I only had to look at the child for them to know.

I made the mistake when DS1 was 2 of giving in when he cried when I told him off for all sorts of reasons.

You are right in that when I feel confident I do get the desired response and actually I am mush better dealing with the 3 year old than I am with the 7 year old. The 4 year old is somewhere in the middle. She is a completely different child to the other two.

I have no faith in my HV and she has already told me she won't help with the older ones as they are at school. I could go to clinic on Friday and see if there is another HV there.

My GP is okay with helping me with depression but doesn't have a lot of advice for dealing with the children other than put the youngest in playschool and get a job. The youngest is starting playschool in Sept.

My 7 year old tells me he doesn't know I love him and that breaks my heart as I could never explain how much I love him and how much he means to me.

I have planned to send 2 of the kids to inlaws inthe holidays and each of them will get a turn at a day alone with me. Other than that it is hard to do unless we split up at the weekend. I do it when I can though but today we have just been pottering around. A better day though DS1 went on the step 5 times this morning to calm down. None this afternoon.

NAB. It also doesn't hurt to split up a bit at the weekend.
This morning DH drove DS1 to his cricket with DD and I was able to take DS2 to the shops for an hour of his fav things.
If we all try to go it becomes really fraught because DS2 has to do things his way and can't cope with anything spontaneous.
Every other Sat DH takes DS2 out to his riding lesson and I get to do something with the other two.
We all get together for lunch and it works really well.
Sunday morning we all go for a long walk in the woods and the kids burn off some energy before lunch. And DS1 is oldwer so he sometimes has supper with us and watches some tv after the others have gone to be.
If they each feel attended to they tend to stop competing for attention so much