Increasingly anxious dd7

[Moodymornings]

Has anybody experienced onset of anxiety with a child and has any advice? I feel a bit broken. For about the last year my dd (now 7.5, year 3) has been experiencing on and off anxiety. It first manifested in not wanted to go to school and crying at the school gate, despite having lots of friends and generally liking school. (This was new - she wasn’t doing it before. Nothing noticeable to prompt it.)

Then that went away but then recently it started to manifest in not wanting to go to sleepovers. She’d done them before and been mildly nervous but mostly fine, but still, she’s still pretty young so I thought ok, no more sleepovers for a while.

But then today she has had the biggest meltdown. She was invited to a birthday party, and afterwards to the bday girl’s (one of her best friends) house to play (she was also invited to sleepover there but we’d already said no to that bit). She started to get nervous about going to the after bit at the house afterwards, I tried gently to hold the line at that bit because I don’t want her world shrinking so much she can’t even go on playdates with best friends! But she ended up having such a massive panic meltdown that in the end she didn’t even go to the party at all!

I don’t know what to do. I have reassured her she’s not in trouble and it’s ok to worry sometimes. But I do worry she is making her world smaller (there are other examples too btw, this is just the latest biggest one). It’s even with best friends. I don’t know how to encourage her to keep her world from shrinking while helping her feel safe.

On top of this I do feel embarrassed to be honest (keeping that from DD obvs!) and utterly exhausted. It feels like we suddenly can’t do quite simple stuff.

Help or advice or just support welcome.

Very normal at this age - I would just keep trying to solidify your connection with her and not push her. Little and often and allowing her to be 'younger' when she's with you.

very normal to be having massive panic meltdowns at the thought of a best friends playdate?? Really?

Possibly ND.
In "my time" and another country, we were frightened for our lives and well being, if we blindly didn't tow the line as children.
I'm happy to say the bastard adults, who were all presumed a threat, mostly got what they deserved.
Back to your daughter - please don't be embarrassed, take it easy and slowly if possible.
Talk to her.
These changes in mind are a result of massive anxiety she doesn't know how to regulate, and this anxiety likely comes from autism spectrum.
❤️

Can your dd articulate why she gets anxious?

when it was the school thing she would just say she missed me. But now no not really. She just says she doesn’t want to go and then gradually works herself up more and more

I disagree with a PP and think that at 7 this isn't normal. The trouble with agreeing that she miss the scary thing is that a) it makes her fear seem valid b) it teaches avoidance as a coping strategy and c) next time she encounters a similar situation she will be even more convinced she can't do it.

I tend to suggest accept the anxiety, normalise it, and find a way to encourage exposure (as only exposure will teach her that actually her worry was way out of proportion). Example "You don't want to go to Rosie's party any more? I wonder if a worry is tickling your mind. What do you think? Is there something worrying you?
Lots of children finding parties a bit noisy, or a bit busy, or sometimes children get too excited and it can make their body feel like it's all too much. Does any of that sound like you?
Maybe we can phone Rosie's mum and find out what games they are going to play and what food they are serving? Or we could pick Henry up on our way and you two could go together?
Let's see if we can go and give Rosie her present and I will stay at the party for the first 20 mins. Then if you want, we can come home".

Yep did all of this (and have been doing versions of it over time). But it’s got worse not better

7 seems very young for sleepovers

And totally agree -teaching her that avoidance is a good coping mechanism is exactly my worry. There’s a huge difference between being a bit anxious about big parties and having extreme meltdowns about going to a best mate’s house (that has been to before!)

Would you consider play therapy for her?

I have to disagree that this is ‘normal’ for a child of any age really. A new person? A new place? Maybe. But her best friends birthday?? Most 7 year olds would be running out the door with excitement. Were you planning to stay with her?

But I am not sure you have followed through with gentle exposure (other than attending school, and that anxiety went away). She was frightened of sleepovers, she no longer does sleepovers. She was frightened of going to her friend's house after a party, and she didn't end up going to either the party or her friend's house.

I appreciate it's hard to gently expose to a sleepover - it would have to be you going out for an evening, then you and her staying with a familiar relative, then you going out for the evening while she stays with familiar relative at their house, then she sleeps at relative's house alone, then she goes to friend's house all evening and is collected at 11pm, then she does a sleepover knowing she can call you at any time.
What you actually did (understandably so, I've been there) was say ok, no more sleepovers and you had already cancelled the sleepover part of the invitation. She now fully believes she can't do sleepovers, even though she has done them before.

However I think having a meltdown didn't necessarily preclude her from going to her friend's house. I can see it could have made the party bit tricky. I would still have said "let's go and give Rosie her present and I will have a cup of tea with her mum, then you can decide if you want to stay or leave".

All of this suggests neurodiversity btw, as you may know. It's bloody hard and I know because I've been there, but not allowing that progressive retreat to safe space and equipping her with a sense of ability to feel the fear and do it anyway is really important (as you already know). The vital learning is "only genuine unsafe things need avoiding. Other things may feel scary but we can give them a try; often they turn out nowhere near as scary as our worry had us thinking".

I think break it down into chunks. A sleepover is too much but as pp says a quieter interaction to start. If she has fun say that was good wasn’t it and build up.

do you trust the people she’s sleeping over with. Are you sure nothing has happened while she’s there, as it’s just out of the blue as you say and it’s seems sleep overs are scary etc

This happened to my son, around age 8. He couldn’t articulate why but would be really scared at bed time. He’s now 10 and I think has ASD but doctor thinks it could also just be hormones although feels early

My DS9 is very similar (and got much worse roughly around the same age). We’ve just had an ADHD diagnosis for him. He finds school and social situations draining as the masking exhausts him. The anticipation of events is also a big thing for him. We make sure he has an escape plan so that he can leave if he needs to.

My DD is 7 and I wouldn’t agree to a party followed immediately by a play date. Too much stimulation.

Yes I agree is quite young even if all her friends are doing it, but that’s why I wouldn’t consider this a thing on its own. It’s the fact that she USED to be ok with that them and now isn’t, AND (more crucially) all of the other stuff all together

I know a lot of people on MN will assume this is undiagnosed ND and I’m not at all ruling it out, but to be honest I don’t think it’s likely. She doesn’t really have other symptoms

I definitely would and will be calling a couple of therapists for a chat to see. I do worry about pathologising something that might just be a phase tho. I don’t want her to look back in a few years and be like “why did my parents send me to a therapist age 7?!!” and make a big deal of it if it’s something she might just grow out of…

I guess it’s the fact that this happened alongside growing anxiety elsewhere, some new mega bedtime meltdowns, increasing anxiety about school and some other stuff…

You need to break everything down into the smallest little chunks. Everything that she does is then almost has an instant positive reinforcement that she can do it, so in terms of going to a friends house.

1. First step, let’s just get ready.
2. Let’s get in the car.
3. Let’s drive to halfway Mark
4. Let’s get to the location
5. Let’s get to the door
6. Let’s find your friend.

etc etc etc… it needs to be small manageable chunks.

Removing the challenge, just doesn’t help.

And you say there was no reason, but did ANYTHING change at all? New sibling? Did you change your working pattern? Anything at all??

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would look into play therapy for her. I know there’s a worry that you’re rushing into something but it sounds like she needs already needs the help. Delaying could only make her worse rather than better. A therapist can unpick these things way better than you can and support you and your DD. They know the questions to ask (or not ask!) and can give you strategies to best support her. And imagine her as an adult saying “I was having a tricky time and my parents found me the help I needed” - no need to stigmatise mental health! It’s just like taking her to the dr for a physical injury.

If you’re on Instagram, this dr is also a good person to follow. She can help you understand or look out for things and maybe help you navigate it with more confidence.

https://www.instagram.com/dr_stephanie_doig?igsh=MWt5YTg2YjYxbWxqbQ==

I don't know but your email reads a little over the top. You mention he world shrinking several times that's some odd therapy talk you are her mum not her therapist. Leave her, let her chose and sleepovers at 7 is not that common actually. Too much too soon. Take a huge step back and make sure to do things at her pace and attend activities she is interest in. Does she do any clubs? Have any interests? I don't quite get why you would feel embarrassed? It pains a picture where she feels pressured at home.

Maybe the early sleepover pushed her too far too soon. It sounds like madness to have 6 year year olds sleeping over in a group. Could anything have happened like she saw a scary movie or similar?