Getting teenage daughter to talk to me

[VenusClapTrap]

Dd (15) has started seeing a school counsellor. This was at my urging, with her grudging agreement, after she had a panic attack during a practice gcse language spoken exam.

I wanted her to learn some techniques to deal with this if it happened again. I had panic attacks when I was young, I was taught breathing techniques and was able to conquer them as a result. I tried to teach them to dd but she was dismissive, claimed it doesn’t work for her, and so I hoped she might be more receptive to a professional and they might have some alternative solutions.

I had a phone call from school yesterday to tell me that dd has disclosed in her latest couselling session that she has had some very, very low feelings, and sometimes thinks about ending things. I was completely blindsided. I know she’s feeling quite stressed and overloaded with all the GCSE work, plus her hobbies, but I never saw that coming. Her tutor said this is very common and ‘mild’ 😮 compared to some cases she deals with because dd ‘only’ has these thoughts once or twice a month.

Her grades are excellent, she works hard, has a lovely and supportive group of friends - and she told the counsellor that she feels safe and supported at home (thank god - I went straight into ‘this is all my fault’ parental guilt mode on hearing all this).

Dh and I need to talk to her today. After school yesterday she went straight to a birthday sleepover at a friend’s, and won’t be back till this afternoon, so we haven’t had chance to see her yet.

How do we begin to talk about this? She loathes talking about herself, and feelings. She refuses hugs or any sort of physical contact. I know that going for a drive is good, but we have nowhere we need to drive to today and it feels a bit contrived to put her in the car and drive aimlessly. Plus she has a younger brother who would want to know where we were going.

I wondered about getting a jigsaw out? Some kind of prop for her to fiddle with? Seems really lame. But I can’t imagine just sitting at the kitchen table with her and saying ‘So, these thoughts about ending things; tell me what’s going on.”

Just HOW do I tackle this? Any tips/ideas welcome.

My suggestion would be that you don’t . Odds are she’ll be angry and embarrassed that you’ve been told and she’ll refuse to engage in the future/not trust them or only tell them what she thinks they want to hear.

However , you can build a foundation for a conversation to start in the future. Spend time with her , listen to her when she whiters on about whatever , be engaged but not questioning/judgemental.

Out of curiosity do you express your feelings, especially negative ones in front of her?

It’s good that she told the counsellor, the first thing I’d want know is whether the counsellor told her that she’d be passing the information to the school, sought your DDs consent to share or has told her that they’ll need to break her confidence. If your DD doesn’t know, she’ll be blindsided when you ask her about it, if she does know she may be anxious about the impact of having said something.

With my DD14 I’d be pretty upfront. Our relationship is such that she knows nothing is off the table for discussion. A jigsaw, or baking or a joint task is good because it gives you both something to focus on. Some of our best conversations have been had while cleaning her bedroom together.

I would simply tell her that they’ll school called you, that you’re worried about her and want to try and help. Then stop, give her space and if she won’t talk don’t force it - you’re laying the ground work for her to come to you in her own time. Then actively look for things you can do together so she doesn’t need to seek you out.

She has people who know how she’s feeling, you know to keep a close eye on her so try not to worry, it’s very brave of her to speak out so praise her for that.

I know as a parent it’s both a shock and a worry, but try to be a calm, accepting presence for her.

I'm quite shocked that the counsellor disclosed this, tbh, but I suppose it's because she's under 16. If you discuss this with your child, don't you risk damaging her relationship with the counsellor? She is opening up, and it's so much easier with a stranger, of course. She needs time to continue offloading in her sessions.
I wouldn't be discussing any of this with your daughter at all, at this stage, just be low-key supportive in the background.

Also, OP, remember when you were a teenager? If a parent had come right out and asked you about suicidal or other challenging thoughts, I'm pretty sure you would have claimed up completely and not trusted them any more. Lots of people have these kind of feelings, so bear in mind that the counsellor isn't overly concerned.

It is so common to feel down, that it might be considered "normal".

Some of what you wrote was about you doing the talking... not her talking.
Better that you create a quiet space that she is tempted to fill. That means quiet not you talking.

You want to be someone she trusts to bring her problems to. That means She has to feel you won't tell her what to do (about her problems), instead you'll listen & help her decide what she will do without making her feel bad about her decisions.

1. Give her autonomy to reveal at her own pace and to make her own decisions about her problems. You can ask questions that help her figure out her options, but you want to make clear that you accept she is making most of the decisions about what happens in her life. The skill in influencing them at this point, btw, is to ask them questions about what are their priorities (usually idealistic, young people are huge idealists), and occasionally remind them that they deserve to have a great life.
2. Try to drop everything else to listen in those random unexpected moments when she wants to talk no matter how trivial the thing she wants to tell you (although I used to shoo my teens away sometimes after 1130pm on a work night, tbf). Demonstrating that I will listen to their (seems like) trivia seems to lead to them opening up later.
3. LISTEN more than you talk. Ask short factual simple questions if you want to say something but can't think of anything to say, or even better, use a few words to simply acknowledge you heard her when she talks and that she has your attenion, even if her thoughts are as trivial as choosing a hair straightener or her socks don't fit or whatever.

Thank you all.

She does know I’ve been spoken to. The counsellor sought her consent to tell her tutor, then her tutor had a chat with her and sought her consent to speak to us. She asked if dd would prefer if it was me or dh, and she said she didn’t mind, but that it would probably be me who answered the phone.

So she knows that we know.

Thanks for all the tips.

I would advise you don’t both talk to her together. It will feel like an ambush. Make an excuse up to drive and just let her know that you are there for her, that her feelings are valid and it’s ok to feel how she feels but to talk to you or write you a note when she feels like this. Let her know you just want her to be ok and don’t let how upset/worried you are show. I’ve found a private therapist worth her weight in gold compared to school counsellors or nhs.