Teens and sex

[FringeTime]

What have you said to your 16yr olds with boyfriends/ Girlfriends who you think are DTD?

I mean beyond use a condom and make sure everything is with consent?

Nothing other than what you’ve already said to be honest. Asked if they wanted me to take them to the doctors to get any hormonal contraception as I had girls. That was about it. I was quite lucky that my children were really smart and I actually just knew from who they were that they would avoid pregnancy as much as they possibly could whilst being sexually active. But I did have a serious chat about never sending nude images because it was at a time when this sort of thing was rife.

That every single time there is a risk of pregnancy.
That they need to think that they might be tied to the parent of their child forever - and a child isn’t the worst thing they could end up with.
And it shouldn’t be you ‘saying it to them,’ - if they’re old enough to do it then they’re old enough to have a proper conversation about it.
Saying this as someone who had a baby at 15.

And should add there was no way I could ever have had a conversation with my parents about it at all. From their end - not mine.

Thanks for your comments. I just want to make sure they have all the info they need. I know when they decide to do it, there’s nothing going to stop them. I just want to make sure I’ve shared the right information and thoughts with them to be as helpful as I can.
I can remember being that age and my parents never talked about it. I could so easily have ended up pregnant.

@twinkletoesimnot will stress the point about “every single time” !

I think that’s the bit that probably goes over most teenagers’ heads!

Yeah
They definitely think it’s harder to get pg than it actually is!
For me a condom broke and I took the morning after pill within 12 hours - no sickness or anything…..
We say our ds must have been meant to be!

💛

I have DDs so would probably get them on the pill/implant - but advise condoms as well

DH had a vasectomy a few years ago after our last DC. Great decision for us.

I do still get very disturbed when people tell me their youngest were the result of a Vsec that came undone! 😳

Mine is the DS. So can’t really tell his GF to go on the pill.

I bought him shit loads of condoms and told him to use one every single time else he’d end up with a baby, like I did when I was 16. GF is on the pill now but from what he’s said they use condoms too, so I don’t worry as much as I did before. They’ve heard enough stories from DH and I about how hard it was having a baby so young, so they take it seriously

I had a lot of chats before they got to that age/stage about consent, contraception, abuse and what’s appropriate within a relationship. It’s vital that they can spot the signs and not end up in a coercive relationship. They need to know the level of commitment acceptable for their age. The condom situation is the tip of the iceberg.

As the parent of a gay teen, pregnancy isn't something that's likely to be an issue. However, we have always been open about the need for contraception in straight relationships, and about coercion and manipulation in any relationships.

It has helped DC to help friends.

Abortion?

We started talking about contraception and consent once DD started senior school. Had a discussion with her and her BFF about the need to use condoms all the time, even if on the pill. Talked around consent etc.

Once she started having sex, took her to the GP and left her to have a conversation with them about the best options for her. Luckily she’s v v career focused so she and her now long term DP are careful. They’re in their mid-20s now so I’m no longer involved.

Missed out 'consent' - we had a huge discussion about that as something happened between one of DC's friends and someone else that really blurred the line, and they were concerned as the friend had shared with them about it.

(The friend ended up going to the school safeguarding person having talked with DC and others, and got the situation resolved, having realised that things weren't quite right)

Consent.
Location / privacy - and the interaction with consent.
STDs and contraception. STDs being spread through more activities.
Not. Sending. Nudes. Apart from anything else theres the child porn legal issues if they’re under 18.
Good sources of info / support that aren’t you.
Emergency cash available for getting home / getting contraception / getting to a suitable clinic.

It really depends on the relationship you have with them .
My son is 19 and in his first year at university . He's never had a serious girlfriend (one that's lasred more than a couple of months) . I've always drummed it into him about STDs , how it only takes sex once for a pregnancy to occur . His aunt (my sister) used to work in a clap clinic and has told him and his sister so many awful stories I'm surprised they're not traumatised .
There are always condoms in his wallet and his dedside cabinet !
My daughter is 17 and has been with her boyfriend for 13 months .
Back in the summer I went with her to our local sexual health clinic . They spoke to her alone initially (she wanted me in there , they wanted to see her on her own initially which I think is very sensible) . Called me in . She made the decision to have the implant (we had discussed it in advance) . For both her and her boyfriend it was their first time but he wears condoms too . They're both really sensible . An unwanted pregnancy is the last thing either of them want .

Isn’t something to be considered lightly imo.
Always (hopefully) an option but still not a wanted consequence I shouldn’t think…

And I have stressed to DS that if he accidentally gets a girl pregnant the decision as to whether to keep the baby or not would be entirely hers. So best avoided until he wants to be a father!

talking about consent is very important I believe. Also the dangers of sending nude pictures or sexting.

I asked DD this a couple of days ago after a similar thread. Her take was that 16 was a bit late to be talking of contraception for the first time and the most useful issue to her was that no one should feel pressurised into doing something that they don’t want even if it is considered a normal sexual practice.
So to her, the consent issue was the most important.
She is however a younger DD and had heard plenty of tales about photos circulating in school from her sister. There was a big event in the local boys school with her sisters girls school and police called in and examining phones for photos and messages.
She had also overheard her sister insisting that a new boyfriend sent of an STD screen before they DTD.
So it also depends on what point they are starting from

I also have boys and my eldest is now 18. He and his girlfriend have been together for 4 years. I explained everything about how having any pictures that could be considered nude or sexual of her on his phone, before she was 18 - even if she willingly sent them, would be illegal etc and the reasons why. I had told him from a young age all about the birds and the bees, but when discussing consent, I let him know that many of my friend group had sex before they were really ready to, as they were pestered and pressured to say "yes" or did so, for fear of getting "dumped" and i explained how that is not real consent etc. I've found that the most important thing I could have ever done, is foster a really good relationship with them, where they feel able to come to me about anything, without fear of judgement. As a result, he came to me at 15 to tell me that he and his girlfriend had had a discussion about sex, and they both wanted to. He told me that when having the discussion, he told his girlfriend that he didnt think it was the huge deal that people make out, and he wasn't sure if he was ready - he then told me that he does feel ready, but did not want her to say yes because she thought that was what he wanted. I was then asked to purchase condoms, and in the last couple of years, I have been approached to support with getting a morning after pill, and have had them come to me for advice on other, more long term contraception. I have been asked to purchase a pregnancy test, for a late period, and further conversation about contraception when his girlfriend wasn't getting along with the one she was using. So I definitely think out of everything, working hard to make sure they can come to me has paid off well. They know that I will always have their best interests at heart, they know my decisions wont be clouded by my own emotions and feelings about things, and they know, that I know, that they are autonomous human beings, separate of me, and I expect them to make mistakes along the way, as that's what we're built to do as teenagers, to learn lessons and grow. My parents have always considered me a "soft parent" because im not a shouter, im more a - let's sit and have a chat parent, but so far I think it's the best thing I could have done.

You sound like a lovely parent 💛

Thanks @FringeTime! I definitely have my flaws, im frequently told I needed to be better at 'remembering stuff' and reminding them to do something that I've asked of them (when they've yet to do it) makes me a nag, apparently! And they feel i ask to much of them, when insuring everyone can make basic meals and use the white appliances - but are generally amused and agreeable when I tell them, as a mother of boys, it's my job to ensure they never leave my house to be some other woman's child to look after! (Like their dad - said only ever in my head) 😂