DD5 said something serious at school! What happens next

[SpringClean101]

Hi mumsnetters,

I’m looking for some reassurance or experiences please because I’m really worried.
Yesterday my DD (5) school called me in for a meeting. The head of reception and her class teacher were in the meeting and they were taking notes on a laptop. They explained that during a PSHCE lesson about feelings and what makes them sad, my daughter put her hand up and said: “I feel sad when mummy hits me.”
I was completely shocked as I do not hit my children and never have. I don’t raise my voice and try very hard to model calm behaviour. I told the teachers honestly that I had no idea why she would say this.
They said they spoke to her again later that day and she couldn’t give any examples or expand on it at all. When I spoke to my daughter myself later, she didn’t even remember answering this question in the lesson!
In the meeting I mentioned that around 1.5 years ago there was one incident where I was teaching my older child and DD kept disrupting. I physically pushed her out of the way (not hit her) and afterwards I apologised to both children and explained it wasn’t the right way to handle it. This is genuinely the only thing I can think of that she could have interpreted as “hitting”.
Since the meeting, I’m now worried that by mentioning this example I may have inadvertently made things worse 😭or given them something that could be used against me, even though it was a one-off situation, a long time ago.
The teachers advised me to explain to her about lying and making up stories, which I have done gently.
Since then, I’ve been extremely anxious about whether this could escalate into council / social services involvement. I have nothing to hide, but I’m worried about how these things are handled and whether something like this can be taken further even when there’s no evidence and the child can’t recall it.
Has anyone been through something similar? What usually comes out of situations like this?

I am a DSL. Honestly, nothing else will come of this if it’s an isolated incident.

If it's a isolated case and usually she's happy and looking healthy they won't do anything else don't worry. Hope she stops making these stories up!

Don’t worry, a similar thing happened to me recently though my son is 11 ! And I wasn’t even called in for a meeting just got a voicemail from the school support team and no follow up. My son wrote during class that if he didn’t get a good grade his mum would hit him. I’ve never hurt a hair on his head! The teachers would be on the lookout for other signs of neglect or abuse. Kids say silly things sometimes and teachers know this.

Even if you had hit her, nothing would come of it.

TRY not to worry. 5 year olds say the weirdest things.

of course it's going to make you feel 'watched' & uncomfortable, do TRY your best to let it go & not worry ' don't let it change your relationship with DD. Xx

Often children feel under pressure to come up with an impressive answer in front of the class. Chances are, she couldn't think of a single thing she was actually sad about , so came up with something she thought the teacher would like to hear/would think was a "good" answer.

I work in a school class with 5-6 year olds. Often they put their hand up with no thought to the answer, then come up with something that is frequently nonsense when on the spot She’s likely come up with something that WOULD make her sad . It’s pretty obvious most of the time when it is although something like this, of course we will always check out in a face to face meeting. I wouldn’t worry though. They seem to know she’s made it up bu their response re a talk about lying. I’d not frame it as lying though. She’s just used an example that hasn’t actually happened with no concept of the consequences

School have to follow everything up. One friend, who is a teacher and so is her Dh we're called in because their son said that he was scared to go home. He said after (he was about 8) that he just thought it was a funny thing to say ( everyone else was saying spiders, snakes etc!).
Another home school friend heard her dc say to the home school liaison, my mum locks me in the cupboard under the stairs! Context was that they had been joking with the kids that was why the home liaison person was coming round.
Honestly I think stop stressing about it.

Schools have to take this stuff seriously but in the end I can't imagine it will go any further, once they followup it will go on file along with all the other weird and wonderful things that kids have said!

Teachers love the power of being able to summons you and make you squirm. It's a power play thing.

My 5 year old said I gave him rum for breakfast.
honestly, the teachers have heard it all before.
5 year olds have a very limited grasp on reality.

@Zebedee999 don’t be ridiculous

Teachers have to follow this up. It will be logged on their safeguarding system. If no other concerns, there will be nothing to worry about.

School staff are witness to some horrifying family situations, it is not a power play.

Well giving that smacking isn’t illegal in England (as long as it is reasonable chastisement and isn’t beating, leaving a bruise etc) I don’t think they school would do anything anyway, as long as they weren’t concerned that you were beating her etc

If it can be proven then you can be prosecuted in Wales and Scotland.

Children do hear and read stories (fairy tales and so on) where children do get hit, neglected etc. Maybe it just occurred to her as a reasonable example of something that would make someone sad, to answer the teacher’s question?

ETA obviously it would be better if she had said she felt sad when you made her sleep in the ashes and wouldn’t let her go to the ball.

DS went through a phase of telling people he had a sibling who we had left in another country! DS was an only child. We did pre- warn the teacher when he started school that she might hear this story

We super don't. Those meetings are uncomfortable and unpleasant for all involved.

When my son was 3 he told his nursery teachers daddy hits me and if I cry he hits me more. This was an absolute lie we never hit either of our children. The school didn’t discuss it with us they just referred it straight to social services and the first I knew was picking up a voicemail from a social worker who was stood on my doorstep at the time they left it. This was 4pm on a Friday afternoon. I worried about it all weekend and they came back out on Monday, spoke to me and DP together, looked at the children’s bedrooms, spoke to the children at school with pastoral support present and requested access to their medical records. Case was closed with no further action. The fact that they’ve involved you and asked you to speak to DD about lying suggests they don’t believe what she’s saying and it won’t go any further.

the only thing I would wonder is where she got the concept from and whether a friend had said it to her? maybe she has a friend who needs help?

I honestly can’t explain how much lighter I feel after reading your replies. Thank you all so much. Some of the things your kids have said really made me laugh too 😂
I’ve been a single mum for two years after leaving my cheating husband and since then I’ve basically been running on work + kids + survive mode. It worked great for a while but now apparently my brain likes to panic over things that wouldn’t normally faze me as much 🙃
Fingers crossed she doesn’t come up with any more silly stories!

I’m sorry you had to experience this! Can’t imagine how stressful that must have been. The nursery could have handled that with better communication at the very least.

Thank you so much. He’s almost 15 now and I’m still really angry about how they handled it. I totally understand they can’t just ignore things like that but he was 3 years old, a heads up would have been nice or question him further, speak to his older sibling to see if they say the same. I really hope this goes no further for you and hope you manage to enjoy your weekend xx

My eldest once gave herself a black eye when jumping on the bed. Dad took her to nursery did not explain the black eye, when she was asked about it she told them she couldn't tell them what happened because it was a secret 🤦🏻‍♀️ I went to collect and explained that she couldn't tell them what happened because she was worried they would tell her off for jumping on her bed.

@SpringClean101 schools/nurseries sometimes have to make a decision that talking to the parents first might not be the best call.

Nothing will come of it.

I went away for a funeral and DS was left with his dad. Well, he didn’t want his dad to look after him - he wanted me to look after him.
So, in his head he needed to think of a way to get me to come home.
He told the teachers his dad had refused to give him dinner & breakfast effectively starving him.
Teachers were horrified, rang me immediately and told me what DS said and asked if this was a regular occurrence.
I told them no, and to check his insulin logs to see when he last meal was. DS had not taken into account his meals are logged in his insulin app.
Low & behold, he had last eaten 55 minutes ago.

moral of the story: Kids lie for stupid reasons, don’t spend the evening beating yourself up. the fact the teachers told you to tell your child about lying says they know it was made up.