3YO behaviour - I feel so upset

[Peanutbutteryday]

My 3YO dc has had a lot of change recently. A new sibling and pre school. Routines changed as a result of baby. baby ebf so one on one time with 3YO has reduced dramatically

3YO behaviour is now really horrible. She shouts and hits me constantly. She was so lovely before. I can’t do anything right anymore. She screams for me at night wakes (I do every bedtime as a way to connect) and has a meltdown if husband goes in.

I feel so upset as I am assuming she’s acting this way because of the changes and she’s feeling lost or upset herself. No idea what to do. I assume I can’t let her shout and hit but also need to reassure her that I still love her. I feel so upset that she is feeling and acting this way. ☹️

Love her. She is a tiny girl and her world has changed. It'll pass.

Spend time with her one on one.. i know its so hard with a baby in tow, but it doesn't have to be long periods of time.. even ten minutes just doing something the two of you with no interruptions will make a huge difference for her.

You can let her shout, but not hit. Focus on only one thing at once.
When she shouts say 'It's hard feeling angry' and offer her healthy ways to get it out - screaming into a pillow or drawing a big RED scribble. Tell her you understand. Also practise blowing out anger - imagine filling a huge (pretend) balloon with anger then letting it float away.

My advice is just exactly the opposite, carry on as normal, going out of your way to spend one on one time together exacerbates everything. She has sibling now and that's the way it is, and it's wonderful! Don't do all the bedtimes, there's no need!! You've got a baby and you and your husband both need to be able to provide comfort.

Don't make the mistake of acting like some kind of life shattering event has happened. Your family got bigger and the sooner everyone gets used to it the better. Just spend lots of time all together and she will see there is no need to worry!

really appreciate your replies

@ShetlandishMum this is what I am trying to do remind her how much I love her, and I know she is underneath and was a kind girl. Thanks for the support. Thought I’d get a load of nasty messages about her behaviour.

But then of course I am conflicted as obviously I have to teach her shouting and hitting is unacceptable. She will always say sorry after (often on her own accord)

@newton I am trying to teach her that she can’t shout/hit she needs to say to me that she is cross and I can help , or needs to count to 10 etc. but obviously she never remembers any of it and just shouts/hits.

@LeedsZebra90 I am really trying the one on one as much as possible but for example this morning we had an hour together to play and she basically shouted at me the whole time. It was miserable for us both. We used to have such a lovely bond.

@molehole shes actually really kind to her sibling and loves playing (as much as you can with a baby£l) with the baby. The problem appears to be me 😂

@molehole sorry edited - also what is confusing as sometimes I ask if she wants to do X just me and her. And she asks if the baby can come too 😂 for example if I say mummy and you can do to the park this afternoon together, she specifically asks for baby to come too. Obviously I’ve said no it’s just me and you to make sure we get that one on one time but it’s just confusing

Sorry I’m also conscious I get it wrong sometimes. Sometimes the baby will be crying and dc will be crying / shouting and I find it really difficult to manage as it’s overwhelming and so loud. When this happens I tend to go quiet as I am trying to keep calm as opposed to shouting but I don’t think that is a great reaction either as just means both baby and dc carry on with their noise

"this morning we had an hour together to play and she basically shouted at me the whole time. It was miserable for us both"
I would have give her a warning-"i don't enjoy playing with you when you are yelling at me, if you can't speak nicely then i am going ti do something else", then follow through.
A lot has changed in her life and she needs you to give her the security of well defined and maintained boundaries.

@Carycach4 That makes sense I should have done that.
I am very conscious I’m getting muddled between holding boundaries vs knowing she’s upset vs being overstimulated myself so probably getting it all wrong and making it worse 😂
I will try and do that next time

i did say to her I don’t enjoy playing with her like this but I didn’t really do anything about it specifically

Quiet is fine. Just sit down and offer a hug.

Thanks for replying. I do that. Sometimes she accepts but not always. Gosh it’s so hard.

Oh I've been where you are, it's SO hard. You are clearly a loving mother who is determined to do the best for both of her children.

Lots of good advice from other posters, I just wanted to drop in something that helped me when I was in your shoes: it's easy to take the difficult behaviour personally, but try not to do that. It's not about you, it's not because she suddenly doesn't love you any more, or doesn't love her sibling.

It's because (as others have said) her little world has just turned upside down, that's scary, and she is expressing her feelings any way she can. She is also seeking some control in a world where she has very little (and she had no control over getting her sibling obv). If she's showing you all these feelings, that's a good thing (I know it doesn't feel like it to you!) as it means you have a strong bond, and she knows she is entirely safe and secure with you.

With that knowledge, you can keep helping her through this, by continuing to provide unconditional love, understanding, nurture and strong, consistent boundaries that will help keep her feeling safe, and her behaviour manageable for you.

A quiet child is sometimes a child which has withdrawn, because they have learned that their needs won't be met. I don't recommend that experience to anyone (parent or child).

A lot of the stress comes from feeling you must fix it quickly rather than just contain it while things naturally settle back down.
Focus on tackling hitting only for now.

Lots of good advice on here. One thing I used to do is “tell the baby off”. With your 3YO you’ll be asserting boundaries (don’t do this, this is bad behaviour etc) it makes them feel like they do things wrong all the time and new shiny baby is a good baby. So I would pretend to tell the baby off for “shouting” or pulling hair, whatever nonsense you can make up really. Baby doesn’t understand, but DC1 doesn’t feel like they’re not a good kid anymore.

Oh and to add - I would also make a big point of letting the baby fuss for a minute while for example helping DC1 get dressed or reading and saying something along the lines of ‘you have to be patient, I’m helping DC1 now’ ‘it’s not your time now, I’m doing X with DC1’. Babies are ok to fuss for a few mins, but you’re not always telling DC1 to wait wait wait because baby. You’re signalling you’re also doing this the other way round. When you don’t verbalise it, they don’t realise that.

Thanks @TY78910 i do this to be honest but it doesn’t seem to make any difference to her overall behaviour. Yesteday I told the baby off for holding onto DC’s hair and also told the baby to wait when we got in as everyone was crying (baby needed milk, DC needed a wee) but specifically said out loud to baby they’d have to wait their turn for milk as I am helping dc first

downy seem to make any difference to behaviour but maybe it does register with her. Thanks for your help

Really appreciate you writing this out and for acknowledging that I am trying to do my best to do what is best for Dc and baby. I really am even if it doesn’t seem to be working. Made me feel slightly better. Xx

I don’t have any advice but what a lovely mum you are. Remember, this time will pass.

You've had a lot of good advice already. What I would add is to look for 'one on one' moments as well as big (or even medium) chunks of one on one time, especially whilst her behaviour towards you can be difficult a lot of the time. The little moments of connection matter as well, and it can be easier to grab that moment – lean into whatever silliness crops up for a minute so you have that time of laughing together, make sure you scoop her up for a hug when you pick her up from pre-school, kiss her nose after you zip her coat, take a couple of extra minutes to play/read with her before dinner if that's when she asks.

Thanks everyone. We had a much nicer evening last night and morning. She seems happy again for a bit at least but for no real apparent change I’ve made. Thanks for your help ☺️

I had my second baby when my first was 3.5 years old and the transition was awful. My 3 year old completely turned on me, he took to the new baby arriving very badly and he completely rejected me. It was extremely upsetting and on many occasions I would be in tears and genuinely thinking I had ruined my relationship with my first child and that it would never be repaired. He very obviously felt like I’d replaced him and he would say quite hurtful things to me. He showed complete disdain towards his sibling and regularly try to hurt him.

The first 4 months after having the baby were extremely difficult for all of us.

However, then the need ms of the baby started to lesson which meant I could interact with my oldest child without needing to rush off every 5 minutes to do something baby related), and the baby started to develop a character which meant my eldest son found him more interesting to engage with, and things really started to improve.

By the time the baby was 6 months old my first child was obsessed with his little brother, he totally adored him and they have been inseparable since.

I understand how difficult it is OP, and how as a mother is unbearable to feel that there’s been a crack in your relationship with your first child, but it will get better. Just keep ploughing on, taking it day by day and there will soon be light at the end of the tunnel.

Can you get your dd involved in looking after the baby, ‘you’re such a help to mummy’ ‘what a good big sister you are’

Otherwise I agree with pp that carry on as normal and don’t feel guilty. Yes your dds world has changed but she’s got a sibling now so life has changed. You don’t need to feel guilty about this or try and overcompensate.

@LondonLady1980 really appreciate you writing that out and this part that you wrote summarises it exactly “how as a mother is unbearable to feel that there’s been a crack in your relationship with your first child.” Really pleased to hear you got through it ☺️

@Girliefriendlikespuppies thank you my dc is actually super helpful with the baby and does all the nappy stuff, she even literally RUNS to get me my feeding pillow if she thinks the baby is hungry and needs a feed. I love seeing that side of her come out. It seems she just directs her anger or emotions at me only. As you say I’ll try my best to carry on and feel less guilty. Thanks for writing.

You could try asking her to help with baby. Even if it’s counter productive for you, but even “could you pass me that nappy” or choose baby’s outfit etc, and then praise her and tell her you appreciate her help. Read a book together ‘for baby’ just so she can feel more involved? My son was 3.5 when baby arrived and loved being the big brother and helpful. It’s a rough time for you I’m sure but just know it will pass.

It's definitely hard. Don't take any of it personally, and keep calm.

Buy her a space hopper with a face on and let her beat the heck out of it, some kids really get a lot of emotional release from stuff like that.