Any one in the same boat with a high needs baby?

[280826Amy]

I feel like I'm losing my mind, constantly fighting between not letting worry be the thief of joy, 'what will be will be' and feeling upset and panicked.

My daughter is just about to turn 9 months. Ever since day 1 she has been a very high needs baby. Diagnosed with CMPA at 8 weeks after a start from hell, then every phase seems to just get harder. She's very sensitive, constantly whines, and only has pockets of happiness and calm throughout the day. I'm a first time Mum so obviously I have nothing really to compare my situation to, but I just feel like surely not every parent is living the same life as me. I'm constantly in fight or flight mode and absolutely exhausted.

She also has a lot of sensory seeking behaviours (hand twirling, foot rubbing, rubbing her finger and thumb together, pursing her lips, making repetitive sounds with her tongue or lips like shhh or hssss or clicking, tapping her foot on the floor, arching her back and grimacing). Weaning is also challenging, she'll only eat very few foods, HATES purees or any sort of stewed food like bolognese, curry, rice etc. I'd say she tries a good amount of things but through the day only really eats a tiny amount still. She cries being put into the car seat then when in the car, cries after the bath when getting ready, cries being strapped into the pushchair, cries at nappy change, cries when you're putting her coat on. She won't cling on to me with her legs when I'm carrying her, just hangs like a sack of potatoes. She doesn't always respond when I speak or say her name, no indication of pointing or clapping, though I think she does sometimes wave. Not pulling herself up yet to stand.

I'm trying to focus on the things she can do: constant babble (though no in context words like mama or dada), sit up unsupported, rolling, very good fine motor skills, laughing and and smiling quite often, great sleeper (not always, but since around 6.5months), not crawling yet but is giving it a go by pushing onto her knees and ending up on her tummy from sitting. But I feel like everyday I just have a devil on my shoulder telling me something is wrong.

We had her 9 month review with the health visitor yesterday and she seemed really pleased with everything baby was doing, and just said to 'keep an eye' on the stim behaviours.

Is it me, am I the problem? Should I just be getting on with things until she's older? Is any of this normal? Is this just the life everyone is living and I'm being daft assuming it was a tad easier than this? Do I just need a reality check or maybe a trip to the doctors myself? Any advice welcomed...

Some children enjoy sensory input more than others, it doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong.

Everything seems like a variation of normal, some kids just cry a lot. It does get easier!

When you say 'Should I just be getting on with things until she's older?' - what do you mean? are there things you are not getting on with?

Thank you. I think at every phase I keep thinking 'maybe this will be the one that gets easier' but most times it ends up harder.

re the 'getting on', I just meant not seeking NG any sort of intervention from healthcare professionals at the moment, because of the reasons you've mentioned - lots of this stuff is normal whilst she's still so young.

You are not the problem OP.

My high needs baby got so much happier when she could talk and walk. When she could tell us what she wanted and go where she wanted and also understand simple reasoning. This first then this etc. 9 months is a hard age, they’re really on the edge of the next stage of baby but they aren’t there yet.

FYI she’s now an easier toddler than my first born who was a very chill baby.

Baby sigh might be useful for you, giving baby a way to communicate before her speech comes on.

My DD also really enjoyed spinning and going upside down but her behaviour now at age 2 is much less sensory seeking.

You are not the problem, I’m sure you’re doing everything you can. My DD is very similar. 9 months next week, diagnosed with CMPA and silent reflux which I still don’t feel is completely under control. She screams all day, I’m utterly exhausted and stressed by it.

She's my third and completely different and much higher needs than my first two. I literally can’t put her down without all breaking loose which is very difficult with two other small children to look after.

Try to remember all babies are different and will have stages that are more difficult than others. My baby has had so little floor time as she won’t tolerate it, she’s not rolling and barely sitting. They all develop differently and some stimming is completely normal in everyone, it’s a sensory input. My eldest used to bounce his head off the mattress and all sorts but he’s a normal cheeky 6 year old now so try not to worry.

I find getting out of the house a lot really helps, visiting other people or taking her places to distract her and get a break from the screaming keeps me sane.

My DC1 was almost exactly as you describe. It got gradually easier as they got older and could communicate more and more with words. I'd say from 18 months ISH it was a LOT 'easier' but they were very verbal then (well, for their age) which I appreciate many children are not. They could speak in basic sentences by the time they were turning 2. None of my DC were saying words at 9 months btw nor doing any recognise gestures, and only one of the 3 was eating much in the way of solids at that age. It does sound completely normal what you're describing just some children are more sensitive and emotional than others. That child is now 7 and still very intense, sensitive and emotional, it's just their personality. They also have so many strengths - creative, compassionate, funny, observatant. They've always found it easy to make friends and nursery and school, they're doing well academically, they have hobbies and interests. That first year or two is SO hard but it changes so quickly. Soon you will be going for haircuts together, playing board games, watching films in the cinema, cooking and baking together, listening to them read and all the other magical things I do with DC1 now.