Does the relentlessness get better?

[SendHelpandSnacks]

I'm a first time mum, my husband and I very much planned to have our baby. He's an IVF baby after 5 rounds... So we knew what we were doing.
However since our gorgeous son (now 21months old) was born, we have been STRUGGLING with the relentlessness of it all! It's just constant! From the moment you wake up to the moment you fall asleep, and even then, you might not be able to rest overnight. We struggle with anxiety and we're very big on wanting a calm, relaxing existence. Obviously a toddler is the total opposite to calm and relaxing 😂 so I think this is where we're struggling. The worst part is, our son is amazing, so happy and easy, and yet we find it all so exhausting. The battles, the tantrums, constantly catching colds and bugs, sleep going out the window, juggling your day around his naps, not having any time for ourselves anymore, hardly having a conversation because we're so overstimulated by the evening. I just want a bit of consistency... I miss my husband, I miss our time together. I keep fantasising about our son being older and independent and my husband and I getting our time back, being able to sit and relax and not worrying about our son waking up... but is that a reality? 😭 It feels so far away... The last 21 months have felt like years! I need to know that it gets better 🙏🏼 how do people have multiple children? 😭 I wonder what life is like with older children... children that can communicate, and don't scream at you for giving them the wrong sippy cup... is there light at the end of the tunnel? Any advice would be so appreciated ❤️

Posted before I was ready! Brb

Hello from a mother to multiples!

If you can bring multiple mum energy to your first then you are winning! Generalising here but:

We don't care as much about when or where they nap and certainly don't plan the day around naps.

We don't play with our kids, that's what siblings are for. Harder to do with one kid, but you can definitely work on independent play.

We're so busy keeping everyone alive that the kids know we are getting on with jobs and they can't just keep asking, whinging, demanding because they are going to get (kindly) palmed off.

Attention is divided between kids and therefore they find other ways to entertain themselves, figure stuff out, and they lower their expectations for your attention.

The family is a whole ecosystem with mum and dad at the top, and everyone else has to fall in line. This is REALLY hard with one child because they can so easily become almost like an equal part of the equation.

LEAN IN, the more you try and 'get back to how things were' the more you will suffer. Life is different now and it always will be - but you can make changes, prioritise yourselves, find a way to live that feels good.

And yes, of course it gets easier when they sleep through the night, can dress themselves etc. But there's always a challenge of some kind round the corner!

I agree with a lot of what@remotecontrolcrane says.
I had two with a two year gap.
The first year of a baby is a lot of drudgery but it gets better. Having a sibling takes away huge pressure from parents partly because you are too busy to pander to every whim but mostly because they entertain each other.
The relentlessness eases by age 5 and it all got easier after that for me. But what you describe is to a certain extent family life. It's just busier. As they get older your time is still in demand but for other things such as sports, lifts, activities.

I think it's easier for older parents who have had plenty of years as a couple beforehand.
Also the saying little children little problems is very true.

I could've wrote this...for the past 2 years 😅
My LO is almost 3.5 and is still very much full on, and I am at breaking point some days... but there are now breaks. There are great days and rest and quiet. You are in the trenches and its normal, even after IVF it's allowed to be hard. It is hard!

My only tip is splitting the time. We have a deal in our house that as I stay home with our son on Friday (cue overstimulating 😅) my husband takes him out Saturday mornings for a good few hours, which may mean I just clean.. or go to the gym/nap/wander aimlessly around shops. Similarly my husband then goes out on his bike for a few hours over the weekend for his break. We also split mornings on the weekend, its rarely a lie in for me but I stay in bed with a cup of tea while my husband goes downstairs, and vice versa.

Its very much a stage of tag parenting I'm afraid, we're lucky our son goes to bed ok so we share the evenings and once or twice a week we'll eat dinner after hes gone to bed so we can have a conversation! But we've decided we need to get out more this year and 'date' so have just asked one of the ladies in his nursery to be our babysitter 🥳

It will get easier and you will genuinely miss some of these days, but it is hard... good luck!

I don't think it gets easier, but it does change. My two are 6&8 because of a mixture of disability and sen, and maybe just how it is (but no one tells your), it still feels pretty relentless.

At 11:30 last night, for example, both me and my husband are trying to get both children back to sleep. The 6yo was on her second wake up of the evening, and the 8-year-old had only gone to sleep at 10:30. The 6yo is also awake during the night for a prolonged period a few times a week. So we don't get much of an evening still, and sleep is rubbish.

But, they're currently downstairs playing together with minimal involvement from us, whilst my husband finish off work, and I've gone for a rest upstairs. We couldn't have done that a few years ago. So swings and roundabouts really.

Sorry not to have good news - but I am finding tween/teen ages much much harder than any previous ages 😫

Honestly you have 1 child.

You arent outnumbered or man marking.

It sounds really obvious but take turns

You go out on a thursday for dinner and drinks and leave DH to do bedtime....
He goes to the pub on a Wednesday.

Weekends you both can have a hours to yourself....no big deal.

We have a 3.5yo and 22m old and still manage a gym class and night out

Add in 2 x FT jobs and I am totally knackered but hey ho...

Also I think by 3 its a lot easier!!! And more fun!!!

Yes, it very much does get easier. It sounds like the anxiety isn't helping the feelings of overwhelm - is there any way you could both get counselling, maybe online so you can do it from home? Totally understand anxiety after a lot of time and effort TTC, it would be very reasonable to seek some help after that.

I could say things about the ways it get easier as they get older but I don't think that's what you need currently - as people have said, accept life is different now. We have two (teenagers now) and I have to say I didn't find two to be extra taxing when they were small - the newborn/pre-schooler bit was maybe toughest with two but after than not much more tiring than having one.

Do you have any help locally to look after DS, or can you afford a babysitter now and then? It doesn't sound like he is super-duper challenging and I would recommend trying to get out with DH once a month - even just to the cinema or a local restaurant. If you have the capacity to do this, please use it - it's not being selfish, it's actually doing right by your child to carve out space for yourselves if possible.

There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel! are you currently working? Is LO in nursery? at around 2.5yrs I was able to put DD in nursery for just half a day when I wasn't working and managed to claim back a little bit of me time- it worked out well for everyone! I found things have got much easier and more fun since around 3yo, of course there are still moments of overwhelm but it's not the same as the baby days!

Do you think you are both a bit anxious?
You describe him as happy and easy but then describe battles and tantrums
What are the battles about?
I didnt have battles with mine, I had a few solid non negotiable rules ( teeth. Holding my hand near the road,no violence, sitting nicely at the table,bed time, please / thank you,car seat )
No negotiations on those, just tune out the screaming because its happening

Why and what,are you battling?

Why isn't he sleeping at 21 months?

Tell us more!

I absolutely think its pointless both of you being tired and we ensured that we had breaks and me time

Kindly, I think you need to adjust your expectations of life with children.

Hi @Echobelly thanks so much for your positive response. I have been to therapy on and off for anxiety most of my adult life, I've only been a few times since my son's been born but I think I could benefit from going again. I think I get overwhelmed with the feeling of being trapped in the relentlessness of having a young child. I love him to bits, but I find it exhausting. It has me thinking that I'm not cut out for motherhood. I just hope as he gets older, things get more enjoyable and things relax a little bit

Thanks @Dramallama24 I really appreciate your response 🙏🏼 I work 3 days a week and my son's at childminders for those days. It doesn't feel like much of a break, as I'm working and my days off are with my son 😂 but I'm planning on putting him into preschool in a few months, so I will get a Thursday to myself 🤗 hopefully having a day off with help relieve the pressure. I'm so glad to hear you found things to be easier and more fun from around 3yo. I do feel like I'll enjoy motherhood more as he gets older. Thank you for your support

You need some time off. Tag team.

DH takes our toddler out of the house for a few hours every Saturday and (most not all) Sunday mornings. It feels amazing.

I agree with the others, tag team with your husband to get a break!

But I really disagree with people saying it never gets easier - I have a 20 month old and a 4 year old and honestly I much prefer spending time with my 4 year old. Yes there are still challenging moments but he's a proper little person who says funny, clever things, has a full personality and an attention span for fun activities. As opposed to just constant damage control with my 1 year old who has limited language and understanding. I'd also say the shift happens from about 3 years old.

Hi @Plantlady10 I really appreciate your honest response and thank you for saying that your 4 year old is much more enjoyable, as I think that's exactly my issue, it's just all damage control, can't take your eyes off them for a second, unable to properly communicate with them as they can't understand. When I imagine being able to talk to my son and for him to understand me, I feel instantly relieved that things will get better (no guarantee that he'll listen 😂) but at least you can have conversations with them and your day feels more fulfilling, rather than just survival. So thank you 🙏🏼

Definitely, it really does get better - I have loved getting to know my eldest as he has developed his own thoughts and opinions. And in addition to loving him 'just' because he is mine, I now love/feel proud of who who he is as a person too. He is so generous, sensitive, curious, understanding. I am starting to see who my youngest is (he certainly seems more energetic, fearless and stubborn!) but he is still quite a 'baby'. Like you, I am also awaiting the days we can communicate a bit more! It will come

@Plantlady10 I love that, it really resonates with me as I am so looking forward to having a relationship with my son once we can communicate together 🥰 so thank you for that ❤️

Mine are about to be 7 and 5. I’m still often knackered by the time they are in bed between 8-9pm. My stb 5yo still wants (and demands) help with a lot of things. And my 7yo still has pretty violent outbursts of meltdowns over seemingly minor things (possible adhd or similar). And omg the bickering and competing. In a way I’ve grown less patient the longer I’ve been on the parenting journey. I’m longing for the years ahead when I get to wake up at my own pace on the weekends, leave the house to go to gym or whatever without having to agree with DH or arrange a babysitter, and on holidays I can actually relax and read in my beach chair. When do those things become possible again??

On the other hand, of course things are also easier compared to when they were toddlers. I think my 5yo (who is clearly neuro typical) had her most challenging behavior so far at age 3-4 and since she’s been closer to 5, it’s been pretty easy. She still requires a lot of attention and I need to be available and at her service constantly though. As in, she’ll surely yell me to help in the toilet as soon as I’ve sat down. 7yo otoh can help himself to a lot of things and needs much less help, which is great. But he still has challenging behavior and tantrums, which can get exhausting. So - a lot depends on what kind of child you have!

Thanks @needtoforget , I feel exactly the same as you... I wake up most mornings wondering when I'll be able to wake up and not have to do everything for my son, and just get up whenever I feel like it 😂 so maybe early teens 🤣
I also want to enjoy holidays and relax!!
Hopefully somewhere in the near future 😂🤞🏼🤞🏼