AIBU - baby care split

[hearts1989g]

AIBU…

partner works 9-5.30pm Mon-Friday, WFH
we have a 5 month old
partner likes to start work at 8.30am and sometimes finishes at 6pm.
when it’s lunch he often eats and doesn’t take a full hour.
I get no respite in the day and accommodate the earlier work start. I also accommodate the working later (he sometimes doesn’t communicate he will be working later and I get frustrated come 5.30pm and he doesn’t come out to relieve me even for a cup of tea)
I just need 15 mins in the day to myself for a cup of tea and a recharge?

he’s a great dad, he does his fair share of chores etc.
I do find outside work hours baby care tends to also fall more on me by default (baby preference do settling as an example).

Have you told him you'd like a 15 minutes, when he's having his lunch break? Or that you'd like some more communication about when he's finishing up?

If he's genuinely working and needs to do these hours and cut his lunch break short, then it's a hard one because you wouldn't get a break if he worked in an office.

If he just choosing to do the extra time or doesn't want a full lunch break, then YANBU to ask.

It’s hard to say. He’s a hard worker but he can take breaks (I’m sure he does) , makes his tea, has his biscuits and listens to podcasts as he woke. but agreed its a hard one as work is work and it needs to get done.

i need to communicate what i need better. I adore looking after my child but i do need a break to recharge. I will say to him tonight and see how it goes.

im ok with the earlier start but need communication if he will stay later in the evenings so I can plan and manage myself and baby. I detest waiting on other people.
I will also ask if a 15 min break can be built into his lunch hour (or at another point in the day) for respite.

I am sure those breaks will come naturally when we master baby’s naps

If he was out at work every day what would you do?
Does your 5 mth old not nap during the day? If so, you could use this time to chill for a half hour or so.

I know it's hard. I had 3 under 4 at one stage and hubby was out of house but I sometimes when baby was asleep I would sit on sofa with other 2 for a while and we would read or watch something on the telly so I could "chill" with a cuppa.

Sorry OP I have been there and I think you are being unreasonable.

Your husband is at work. Accommodating his earlier starts? No, those are the hours he has to work and you aren’t ’doing him a favour’’

Having a baby is hard but surely at five months the baby sleeps? Average is like three maps a day for probs an hour.

Sonwhat are you actually complaining abiut because you do gwt breaks. Is it just your partner is at wit but at home and not with you that you can’t reconcile?

I don’t think you can or should complain about him working slightly extended hours. Contrary to what lots of people seem to believe on Mumsnet, in the real world there are very few office jobs where people don’t fairly regularly go a bit above and beyond their contractual minimum. As PP have said, pre-covid he would have been out of the house all that time at an office/workplace plus the commute at both ends and him giving you 15 min off wouldn’t have been an option. Can you have your 15 min off while the baby naps? Surely at 5 months they are napping for at least a couple of hours a day - you should take some of that time for yourself, please done be one of those martyrs who says they need to spent ever minute the baby is asleep doing housework.

All that said, communication is key here. If you need those 15 min, explain that to your partner and see if he can accommodate it. Do be a bit cautious though that as your DC gets older, seeing Dad for 15 min in the middle of the day then having him disappear and be unavailable all the rest of the day may be upsetting. Probably not at 5 months, but I have male colleagues who have massive problems with their toddlers being unconsolable that Daddy is at home but won’t come out and play with them.

Have tea if you want, the baby will stay where s/he is put.
Is there something specific stopping you from having a sit down and phone scroll/break-all day?

Sorry but yeah I think you are being unreasonable.

With WFH you have to essentially imagine he is "at work". If he worked 9-5.30 in an office he would be out of the house from 8-8.30am and not back until gone 6pm (I imagine) so you would be with the baby with nobody to "relieve" you.

Also, not once have I finished work bang on my finish time! Always end up on a call / typing an email / stuck in a meeting which runs over.

Does your baby not sleep? This is the time to sit down and take half an hour for yourself - forget about housework and chores, you are entitled to a break and they can be done later, tomorrow, next week. It’s impossible to get everything done when you have a baby so don’t even try. Do the essentials.

Does your baby not have naps? When are they awake in the morning? I always did all of the nights and DH would have time with them in the morning before work. Once he’s home surely he can have them for an hour while you have a shower, have a lie down, go for a walk by yourself, whatever you’d like.

im ok with the earlier start but need communication if he will stay later in the evenings so I can plan and manage myself and baby. I detest waiting on other people.

I've just read your second post. WTF?! He's working!!!

I adore looking after my child but i do need a break to recharge.

What do you think the millions of women do whose husbands are out of the house at work?!

Sorry OP but I think its unreasonable for DH to help during the working day. My DH is majority WFH and has been since Covid. When I was on maternity leave with our last child, I just treated him as not available between 730am and 530pm whether he was at home or not. He's working and 50% of the time would take his lunch break at his desk. If he ate with us that was a bonus and the odd time I would be able to get a shower on his lunch break. But I wouldn't rely on it.

However I don't think it is unreasonable for you to know when he will be finished for the day. I think you either need to come to some agreement that he lets you know when he is finishing for the day or you just take it he isn't going to be finished until 6pm and crack on with it.

My DH worked long hours when ours were young and as a SAHM I was home all day with babies and toddlers, no break to recharge! Getting baby into a good nap schedule is a good idea so you can sit down and have a cuppa. When DH came home, he would take the baby so I could have a bath or tidy up and sort dinner and he did his fair share of bath and bedtimes. But he was not available during the working day and I wouldn't have expected him to be.

Even if he really is busy I don't think it's too much to ask for him to make you a cup of tea for you and throw a few biscuits or sandwich your way when he's doing that for himself.

Sorry op but I do think you are being unreasonable. The fact he WFH is muddying the waters here because he’s “available” to help in your eyes. If he was in the office you probably wouldn’t be getting resentful here.

you need to work ways for a break into your day. When my kids were this age I would strap them to me in a carrier while I done chores kept them entertained while I got stuff done and passed some of their awake time. That meant when it was time for their nap the chores were done and I could chill for a bit. I also contact napped, they would always sleep longer when with me than in a crib so it was a win win for both of us. Get yourself set up on the couch with a drink, a snack, a book, the remote etc get baby on your chest or beside you (make sure you won’t fall asleep though if on a couch, if you want a nap take them to bed with you) and you will most likely get 1+ hour.

Sorry but you are being unreasonable. If he’s at work he is not available to help you. Don’t think about him being upstairs, think about him being a work.

Communicating what time he’s due to finish work is needed, but office hours rarely involve being able to leave on the dot. - that’s the same whatever location he is working in.

I think this is annoying for you because he's wfh. If he was at the office it would seem more acceptable. You need to "forget" he's wfh act as if he's not there. Unless he suddenly seems to be working longer hours than he used to before the baby was born? If that's the case then my answer would be different.

I get the frustration at 530 when you feel like all you've done is parent.... BUT he's working.

How often do you get out? I'd fill my days with being out.

I think this is key
working at home is working - if he wasn’t visible this would be a different convo
I think you need to build your day as if your DH isn’t around in office hours

Personally with a 5 month old I don’t really get how you don’t get 15 mins to have make a tea….i had twins who didn’t nap at the same time

He needs to use some of the lunch break on baby, why does he get to eat in peace and you don’t? You need a chance to brush your teeth or do a poo.
he should also do a morning shift eg 7-8 to let you get ready for the day or sleep in a little, and take over in the evening from 5.30-7 then you both do bedtime together

Does your baby not nap at all or lay on his playmat/bouncy chair and play for a bit? I'm struggling to understand how you don't have time to drink a cup of tea or sit down for a rest?

Ps what is baby nap situation at the moment? If baby naps in the cot then you should get a bit of a break, but I remember mine would sometimes only nap when the pram was literally moving and being pushed (a rockit helps with this!) or when being worn in the carrier with me moving so nap time wasn’t a rest! It’s also stressful not knowing when baby will wake up - do I have time for a shower or to start cooking or not?! So you often don’t start those activities and can waste nap time room scrolling. I was still expressing milk round the clock at 5 months (this didn’t last long after weaning started) so I used every naptime for that

Thanks all.

I have taken on board a couple of points;

act as if he isn’t at home (I try to do this for the most part) but yes I guess the WFH situation has led me to feel he should help/be involved more on breaks etc when he can. I assumed this was a benefit of working from home. I will also give Grace around start and end work day times.

we are in a renovation situation so don’t feel comfortable bringing our baby into the renovation part of the house nor do I want to leave him alone but will figure out a solution so I can make a snack and tea in the day.

naps we are working on. Day naps tend to be on the go and 2+ hours walking perhaps is making me tired and grouchy lol.

Overall I don’t think I am being unreasonable to ask for time before or after work and a little break in the day if possible considering he’s working from home and doesn’t have commute pressures etc. he does take his lunch break so on those days he can take the full hour I would like him to offer me some time in that. Understood that won’t always be the way.

I would 100% be expecting help and breaks across my day if hubbie is working from home. No working from home job is life or death, and 10/15 minutes a few times a day to help you out shouldn’t be too much to ask. I asked that of my hubbie when in mat leave and he worked from home. I asked him to get my lunch for me, a few cuppas and help with the baby on his lunch break. Maternity is a hard bloody slog , emotionally and physically draining.

Also, he should be using as much time as possible to be bonding with the baby at this stage, which it sounds like he isn’t doing much of.

definitely have a chat with him about your needs and expectations, and what help you would like. Is there anyone else locally like a family member who could pop over for an hour every so often?

it’s really hard at this stage. I was at my worst at the 5/6 month stage with both my kids, sleep was horrendous and I would spend any nap time napping myself to try to catch up & save my sanity. So doing anything in nap time wasn’t an option.

I have taken on board a couple of points;
act as if he isn’t at home.......

Great.

Overall I don’t think I am being unreasonable to ask for time before or after work and a little break in the day if possible considering he’s working from home.

Guess not.