Just so tired of missing time with my kids.

[NeedingASafeSpace]

I’m a single mum with x2 children DD -& DS. I bought some cards the other week to ask DD age appropriate questions to get how she feels and thinks out of her so I can work harder to support her and a question was “what do you wish mummy did less of” and she said work😢. my son is 2 so is quite young. I can tell he misses me when he’s back from nursery and it breaks my heart. He’s so young. My working hours are 8:30-5:30 Monday to Friday and I do school drop off and pick up twice a week which is heartbreaking. I always prided myself on being there before and after school. It’s important to me because it builds her trust in me and also… well… why wouldn’t I want to do this? I have had this new job for around 4 months and before this I was always able to do the school runs with the work I did.
I need to get back to being able to spend more time with my children, while they are young but the job market is scarce! This job does provide brilliant money but what do my kids care about money? We never went without, anyway!! I always made sure they were taken care of and they’re not materialistic kids, anyway!! I suppose I was hoping for some guidance on what I can do for work please? I don’t want to come out of work as i do need some form of income other than UC and plus my kids have always seen me work and so will know we always have to work for money….

TIA

I’m sorry OP that must have been hard to hear but I would honestly say I don’t know of any single parents who are able to work AND be at every pick up/drop pff- 8:30-5:30 is pretty good time wise in the grand scheme of things.

Your kids might not care about money but they do need money for clothes, food, trips out, having a mum not worried about paying a bill etc. Money isn’t everything but it is important and your shift times don’t sound too bad, there aren’t many jobs that would allow you to work solely between school times.

I suppose you are right. It could be a lot worse. I just feel dreadful I can’t be there more for them while they are so young it really is terrible.

I think you should take pride in the fact that you are able to financially support yourself and your children. It’s my strong belief that when they are young they can be comforted by any care giver. They need more of your time and counsel as they get older. When she is older your DD will appreciate that you are providing for your family. In the meantime, make sure your DC are your priority when you are at home. Best wishes.

Can you see if you can drop a day at work? Or cut your hours and finish at 4pm?

Could you perhaps ask for an early finish on a Friday?

All children would say they'd rather their parents work less. But working pays for necessary things like the mortgage and food and electric, and nice things like holidays and toys. It's good that they learn you have to work to earn money, and sometimes it's a job you don't like or hours that aren't ideal.

You're not working excessively, it's a shame you can't do school pick up anymore but neither can anyone who works normal job hours - presumably they're at after school club? I'm sure they're fine.

I think you’re being too hard on yourself. If you asked them would they rather not go to school and eat ice cream all day they would pick that! You’re working hours seem very reasonable, better to have a stable job and miss a couple of hours a day (mine have an absolute blast at after school club, I’ve been told I pick them up too early before!), and have fun weekends. It’s not about quantity but quality.

I know you say the job market is scarce, but if you do look, try looking at remote work. I’m fully remote with flexible hours - I work 8-4 but do school drop off and pick up within those hours as they take approx 15 mins each and I just skip a lunch break. My work don’t police this, they fully support it in fact - as long as my work is completed on time and to the quality they expect (which it is), they are happy to allow flexibility like this. It’s definitely worth a shot if you are looking to change jobs.

I worked 8:30-5 from when DD was newborn (after mat leave) until she was 4, as a single parent, and it was tough so I absolutely understand where you’re coming from but we spent plenty of time together at the weekends to make up for it and were as close as ever, she’s 6 now, so try not to worry too much. As PP said, all kids will say they’d rather their parents didn’t work as much but needs must.

I think you're being too hard on yourself. A lot of working parents would wish they could be there for every school drop-off and pick-up but it's not the reality, hence after school clubs exist.

It's not great out there for jobs right now; so if you have a secure well paying job I'd keep it and try and push the mum guilt to one side. Make the most of the time you have together - you don't sound like you're working excruciating long hours so just be fully present for them when you're not at work.

A non materialistic 2 year old 🤣

Anyway OP, it sounds to me that you're doing a stellar job of being a parent, have a good stable job, and your children are loved and you make great efforts to understand them and know them.

All children probably wish certain things but, as the saying goes, you're the adult, so you make the decisions. It seems sensible to me that you do what you do, and when they are older they will understand how phenomenal you were at doing all this by yourself when they were young.

I think you need to figure out a way to work less. You will regret losing this time with them that you will never get back. It’s not forever.

Don't be hard on yourself. My dc say exactly the same thing "I wish you didn't work so much mummy" but I wfh and do 80% of drop offs and pick ups. I stop work at 3 and start at 8 just to spend time with them and they STILL go on about how much I work. They never really even see me out of the house or working! Moral of the story is that they are probably picking up on your anxieties around this rather than their true feelings about you working.

If I were you I'd make clear space whenever you can for them. Keep them up half an hour longer if needs be to read that story. Make time at weekends to spend real time with them. Outsource cleaning, gardening etc with the money you earn to make it work for you.

Also fill your social circle with parents who work too so you can see how normal it is.

Could you also look into compressing hours or working around their schedules more (I work 5-8am, 9-3, 8-11 every day for example)

The question you asked was always going to have a negative answer. So don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answers to.

You get all weekend with your children aswell as school drop-offs some pick-ups. Plus, you’re there for bedtime everyday and on top of that you are providing for them financially. You’re doing great!

I’ve always worked full time. And I’ve never asked her if she likes it because she hasn’t got a choice if she likes having a roof over her head. Do not put yourself in positions where you are heaping guilt on yourself- life throws enough of them at you anyway.

I’ve always worked full time since children were 20 weeks old - at first because I was the main breadwinner and then because ex husband decided parenting wasn’t for him and left when twins were babies. I feel incredible mum guilt and yes they ask all the time why I have to work when other mummy’s don’t and why I can’t do drop off/pick up daily or attend every school event. The trade off is that the bills get paid (ex husband pays £0 CMS which is another story) - I don’t really think there is an answer TBH and I think women being able to “have it all” is a myth.

Maybe you should have got a card that said ‘Would you rather have food and clothes and a roof over your head or a working mummy?’

I’m not being mean, OP, but every child in the world would have answered that question the same way. Most parents don’t suddenly discover that their jobs are optional when they have children. You’re not doing anything anomalous.

I've cut my hours since having children to 4 days pw and I don't think I'll ever go back FT. That day is so precious, I treasure it and left a job last year because they wanted me in FT. Could you do similar?

The thing is children don't understand the link between mummy being out of the house and the lifestyle and opportunities you can provide them with the money you earn. It is a very difficult balance. Four months isn't very long and she may still be getting used to after-school childcare. I was full-time when my older child was young and part-time for my younger one and I can't say it's made any difference between them.

Don’t ask a question you don’t really want to hear the answer to! Young children don’t really understand or appreciate that your job provides stability, a warm home, food, clothes, toys, days out etc. etc. etc. You work normal hours and your kids don’t want for anything. No need for the guilt trip, be kind to yourself!

Aw OP, while that working day is perfectly normal for an adult it is of course very long for a small child - but you're a single parent trying to juggle everything.

The obvious thing to me is - can you go back to your old job?

Can you WFH??

Any child is going to say they want their parent to work less. They see life as fun and playtime and want to do that with you. It’s not realistic for thousands of families. I’m a single parent and have been since DD was 3. I had to work full time to keep the roof over our heads. That’s life! What you can do is stop feeling guilty and make weekends special. That’s it. It’s shit that many parents don’t have the choice to spend more time with their children. But you’re doing what you have to do.