Feeling overstimulated and overwhelmed

[Judyhops]

I have been finding that I get overwhelmed and overstimulated really easily which is leading to me shouting. I have always disliked people touching me (not a hugger), I don’t people standing to close to me, I don’t like it when I feel people breathing on me, people asking loads of questions (struggle at work particularly with this), people eating loudly, big crowds, lots of loud noises or repetitive noises and sounds. Things like the supermarket tannoy, I get irrationally annoyed over. Other people’s children screaming especially goes straight to my bones.

Ever since having kids nearly 5 years ago, it’s gradually got worse and worse. I have a 4 year old and a baby. 4 year old doesn’t stop talking and asking questions - from the minute he wakes up to the minute he goes to bed it’s constant chatting - it feels like a lot of it is just for the sake of talking. He also makes alot of noise in general, either repetitive noises to our baby (like peekaboo - he can’t just do it a couple of times and move on, he will carry on saying it for 5 minutes straight to make him laugh. It’s very cute and I don’t want to discourage him playing but it really annoys me) or when he empties his Lego or hot wheels onto the hardwood flooring, the sound goes right through me. He’s always fidgeting, can’t sit still which I can see from the corner of my eye and it irritates me, he rubs his feet on me or touches my feet which makes me feel like I need to get up and move. Sometimes all of this is going on at the same time. I know alot of this is normal 4 year old behaviour but it’s the repetitive behaviour that I just can’t deal with and it makes me so overstimulated and/or overwhelmed. I actually have to almost run away at times to try and take a break but then I just get followed and it continues. I don’t get as overwhelmed with my baby when it’s just me and the baby together for some reason, but if we are together as a family I’m finding myself resorting to shouting as a way to get people to leave me alone because the combined noise is too much. It’s getting to the stage where I dread going out for family days out, because the constant talking from my son along with everything in the first paragraph like crowds of people etc just makes me want to come home. My husband doesnt get like this at all. There are definitely times where he will tell my son to stop talking but it doesn’t affect him, like it does me.

I’m not blaming my son for this although I appreciate the above reads otherwise. I’m just using the above as examples of what I find difficult. This is my issue and I’m hoping for some advice on how I can deal with it going forward so I don’t have to shout. I don’t want my little boy to think I don’t like him.

I will just add, im not screaming at either of my children or husband. I just feel like unless I raise my voice they don’t seem to understand I need a break.

And apologies for the length of that post!

Hello OP. I have the same thing. I feel like I’ve become more sensitive to noise since having kids. Mine are 5 and 2 and there is lots of noise - competing to get my attention etc. I find the mess annoying too. In all honesty I wonder if I might be on the spectrum. I get overwhelmed too and need to be alone for a bit in a dark room.

Can you have a code word or similar that your partner understands that means that you need a moment alone in peace?

What about Loop earbuds?
Also, is it possible for you to take a night/weekend away to be alone in silence?

I have always disliked people touching me (not a hugger), I don’t people standing to close to me, I don’t like it when I feel people breathing on me, people asking loads of questions (struggle at work particularly with this), people eating loudly, big crowds, lots of loud noises or repetitive noises and sounds

Parenting must be…. Bloody awful for you

You’re my husband and I’m your husband. I just let the noise and mess wash over me. And then deal with issue eg tidy up or break up the fight.

my husband immediately tenses up, sweaty, heart rate goes up and he shouts or either leaves the room. This happens multiple times a day at some very normal parenting things. I find it draining and very lonely to be the only one who can hold it together. Imagine if we both just tapped out when things got hard? Boils my piss. I choose to be calm when there is chaos.

following with interest.

If you are not Autistic I will eat my hat.

Hi OP, I feel for you. I am autistic and my sensory sensitivities have definitely factored significantly into my decision to only have one kid. Whether or not you might be neurodiverse or not, I think it can be really helpful to think of it in terms of "what are my sensory needs" and how to help 'reset' yourself and calm down before you feel so overwhelmed by all the sensory input you're receiving.

Figuring out what is most overwhelming to you (noise, light, touch?) and setting yourself up for success by limiting stimuli - for example, could you wear headphones for 20 min while your 4yo plays? Or would it feel more tolerable to listen to him if the lights were dim, or is there a blanket you could wrap yourself in so touch won't be so stimulating? (Personally, I find skin to skin touch the most stimulating and enjoy touch if I have a soft thin blanket in between.) You can also reset by having calming sensory experiences (i.e., having a few minutes in a dim room, as another commenter mentioned, or music that calms you down).

I would just encourage you to treat yourself with compassion and curiosity to let yourself understand what overwhelms you the most and what can help restore you. Prioritizing that for yourself and communicating those boundaries to your 4yo ("Mummy needs to wear her headphones for a little bit to help herself reset and then I will be available to play with you more") is not selfish and will help you be a better mum (and serves as a great model for your children for self-care and how to calm themselves down)!

Sending lots of compassion your way (and apologies for the length of my response).

I get completely like this; used to get it sometimes before I had my daughter but it’s like x1000 since. Was at a kids thing in a community centre at the weekend and I was SO frazzled and over stimulated within about 15 mins of arrival cos it was a lot of people in a small room and lots of background noise and potential to spill / break things (which then happened) and my OH interfering too and speaking at the same time as my daughter and then I was past it. None of the other many (!) people seemed bothered and loads actively relaxed. I was so short with my poor daughter for no real reason just cos I was past coping. I would not have got like that pre-kids and wish I could stop it. Loop earplugs don’t help at all cos you can still basically hear everything 😂 I have some proper workmen ear defenders I wear sometimes at home which do help but my daughter hates me wearing them and tries to grab them off. For me it’s sound and CONSTANT touch; someone talking at the same time as the telly or two people talking over each other and I’m past it in literally 2 seconds, 0 tolerance. No idea how to sort it as it must be horrible bless her

This.

I don’t think anyone enjoys constant noise and mess but it is largely part of being a parent with young children and we can’t both tap out, you have to do the work yourself to find coping mechanisms here.

I think it’s clear that those of us struggling with this are trying to find coping mechanisms. Sometimes I can let it wash over me, sometimes there is absolutely no element of control or ‘choosing’ to be calm.

Did you want children @Judyhops or were you pushed in to it by your husband / society pressure?

Sensory overload is so stressful, and parenting is one great big sensory nightmare at times. I'm autistic and had a similar experience when mine were small.

Obviously, kids won't stop being kids just because you're overwhelmed, and it's not nice for them to be shouted at when you feel panic. They won't understand and it will just look like anger and emotional withdrawal, so you need to find things you can control to lessen the impact on you.

• Flare or loop ear inserts were excellent for me at taking the edge off noise.

• Getting outside as much as possible so the DC's focus is not solely on you and any noise they make isn't magnified from being in a confined space.

• Regular time to yourself once your partner gets home. My Ex would take over for 40 mins to an hour so I could lie down with ear plugs in and ground myself. Grandparents taking them for a few hours at the weekend etc.

Sorry to be deeply unhelpful OP but if that's how you've always been, why did you have children?

it's a stage and it will pass - the constant chatter, clinging on you etc - but kids need calm and hugs and physical expressions of love and that's on you.

I think some people (my DH for example) are completely oblivious to both. He can sit in a sea of mess and noise and watch a football match on the TV while I can't stand to be in a messy room with children shouting. He, however is very sensitive to the level of artificial light in the room and will adjust the lights lower when they weren't bothering me at all.

I think everyone is sensitive to certain but DIFFERENT sensory inputs. So to say "nobody likes noise and mess" might mean that nobody would actively seek them out, it overlooks the fact that for some people they're less than optimal while for others (OP) they make them want to crawl out of their skin/scream/die (not really)