Extra curricular clubs - how much do your children do?

[waitandwonder]

I have three children, the eldest two are 6 and 7. When they were 3-4 ish they used to do a few different clubs, swimming, various dance, musical instruments. But then as school ramped up a bit they never wanted to attend their clubs and eventually we stopped them. I now can't get them to do any clubs outside of school and I worry about it.

They will attend one or two clubs a week at school but they go to a small village school which has very little on offer in terms of clubs, but whenever I try and encourage clubs elsewhere (maybe if their friends go, or if it's something they are interested in) they just panic and say no.

For info, the 7 year old is autistic. Very academic but very very anxious.

I guess what I'm asking is, should I be trying to push them into trying more or is what they do enough? I hear of all these children doing clubs every night of the week, or attending things on weekends, and feel bad that mine aren't. But then I think there must be loads of children the same as mine? Part of me thinks they have years yet to find interests and join clubs, but then the other part worries that I haven't encouraged it into their routines and they'll never do it.

Every child is different so you shouldn’t put too much pressure on yourself by looking at others. But I will say that (as a former teacher) it is a great way to expand friendships beyond school, especially if it’s a small school. Because it only takes one falling out and it feels like their world is collapsing so it’s nice to have something else that is completely unaffected.

Also it’s a good way to build confidence, the reality is when they go to secondary school and beyond there will be times they have to do things that are out of their comfort zones. By having them face that on a small scale now and build the skills needed to cope it will serve them well in future. But a little bit at a time, they don’t need to do a club every night or enter a competition. Just going to a taster session, even if they say nope not going back, is a step forward

For some children, 9-3.30 is just enough "people" for the day.

Extracurricular activities are good if they enjoy them. There's no benefit if they don't.

Mine do loads but that’s mostly because they’re school clubs and I need the childcare. Outside of school DD does brownies and tennis whilst DS does swimming and rugby.

One does swimming lessons and one school club. The other does something different every night.

Very different kids so they need different activities - the first would be beyond exhausted by the number of clubs the second does, and equally the second would be fed up and bored with just swimming and one after school club.

The second does do less in the spring term as they can play outside (there are more clubs here in winter).

My ds17 did two, swimming and karate, which was enough. Anything more interfered with homework.

Swimming progressed to a pool lifeguard qualification and now he works at a leisure centre at the weekend.

My oldest did one. My youngest does 9 (reduced from 11).
It all depends on the child.
Oldest is autistic, youngest adhd, apart from that also completely different personalities.

I have 2 DDs with autism and ADHD. Your autistic 7 year old is working much harder throughout every school day than his neurotypical peers. He has to control a lot of impulses, tune out a lot of stimuli, and navigate friendships with children who, to all intents and purposes, speak a slightly different language than he does.
If you spend any time comparing him to neurotypical children or trying to encourage him to be something he is not, you will make yourself and (more importantly) him very unhappy. In time, it would probably have a knock-on effect and make him less likely to have a good day at school the next day. He needs to come home and self-regulate in a space where he feels safe to be himself and, although he can’t articulate this yet, he already knows that it doesn’t appeal to him. His social battery has less life in it than neurotypical children. He needs to recharge. And he needs to feel that you will listen to his needs. He probably already feels that he is different from the other children, even though he can’t necessarily put that into words. He needs to know that his differences are ok with you.

Yes I do get this. This is why I have been reluctant to even try going to clubs. A friend recently mentioned that I'm never going to 'break the cycle' if I let him just do 'nothing' which annoyed me at the time but left that little niggle that I'm not encouraging him enough.

For full transparency I am also autistic, and have to pace myself very carefully, so I've always done the same for DS. But then I'm an adult with very few hobbies and friends so not the best example!

Don't compare them to other kids. They are very young still and one of them is autistic and has anxiety. School is a long enough day.

I have one (also autistic) who could barely manage anything after school. And one who bounced off the school bus asking what activity was next.

They are all different.

Only do the extra if it makes sense for your child and your family. My kids love clubs so they do a few (that they choose and enjoy). I absolutely hated going to clubs as a kid and it was always such a relief when my mum would let me give them up.

After a full day at school it’s perfectly understandable to want downtime in the evening and at weekends. Would they be better with a solo activity at home, such as a piano teacher who comes to your home (no other kids involved and not chaotic). Or something to do with their special interest, if they have one.

As a suggestion, my autistic DC loves junior park run on a Sunday. While a lot of people are doing it you do run individually and collect your own run time. My DC enjoys the independence of running the course solo and also likes the statistics / scores. I like that it’s free!

Dd did a riding lesson once a week at 4-6. Then nothing until she started cubs once a week at 9. Now she’s 12 and trains in a competitive sport 3 nights a week.

Ds started Beavers at 6 and does that once a week (now turning 8 and moving up to cubs). That’s it.

I insist they have to do one sport per week. DD1 does tennis, begrudgingly, she doesn't hate it but doesn't love it. DD2 does swimming and is frantically trying to find something else!

Every child is different. I would encourage them to try things but don't push it.

My DS is 12. He just plays football out of school but most weeks that's 2 training sessions plus a match. He also generally has 2 lunchtime/after school sports clubs on the go.

DD is 10. She does violin, recorder, music theory, ensemble, Cubs, horse riding, football, skateboarding, theatre and acro dance!

Mine is 7 and does horse riding & swimming outside school, both at weekends. In the summer she will do cricket & paddle boarding, but that’s not all year round.

She finds the school day tiring enough so I keep Monday-Friday quiet. She’s at private school so they do a lot of extras there in terms of sport etc

My DC are autistic and after school clubs are just to much for them. They do a hobby on a Saturday and blocks of swim lessons during school holidays instead.

My daughter started off with just swimming when she started school at 4. She coped with that ok. In the spring there was the option to start Squirrels through the scouts and she coped ok with that. In September she started football on a Saturday and she's doing ok with the 3 activities. Only the swimming is immediately after school however. The football is at the weekend and squirrels is 5-6 so there's time to decompress after school.

Look less at what others are doing but periodically have a look at how your child is doing, what is available and whether it would suit them. Some times we do need a gentle nudge to expand our comfort zones and some times we definitely need to just sit where we are for now. It's not a one size fits all.

I'm one of the squirrels leaders and we probably have a quarter of our new starters drop out within a term as they find it's too much for them.

Dd12 does camogie and Gaelic football.

ds10 does rugby and cubs.

they are finished with swimming. Have tried several other things over the years. I think they do enough now tbh.

My older kids do two sports each, my 2yo does nothing at the moment (we may introduce one when he's 3, but not in any hurry).

You could try to find something that you could do with them. My library has Lego and robotics clubs. There is also a cake decorating club near me - it's not cheap but it's fun to do every once in a while, and parents and children do it together.

But don't stress. As an older wiser mum once said to me, parent the kids you have, not the kids you think you should have 😊

Is your friend autistic or do they have an autistic child? Even if they do they don’t have your child. Teaching your child how to manage their ‘spoons’ and make adjustments so they can be comfortable in their own live is the most important thing a parent of an autistic child should do.

School is intense and many NT adults would struggle with the sensory overload, constant demands and lack of autonomy of a school day.

I’ve taken my ds age 7 out of breakfast and after school wrap around as he finds it intense and exhausting and clubs are by experience better for him. He enjoys judo, swimming, drama, multisports and chess clubs. Often just 30 mins after school and very light hearted.

We do swap around so he will probably drop chess and drama and try athletics and science club next term.

i wouldn’t feel guilty if he did no clubs at all - these just are cheap and fit in with my work !

Mine do something every day but they enjoy it and it fits in with our schedule, some of them are at school which gives me an extra hour of childcare so that's convenient. We have a large variety of options so there is something for all interests. It's not something to get stressed about though, I didn't do any activities as a child and we don't compare who does what.

I've got BG twins who have recently turned 10.

I'd say neither have been MASSIVELY into clubs...

Both do Sunday morning gymnastics - which they've been doing since toddler age, and still enjoy and are quite good at.
DD does choir during the school day, which she likes.
DS doesn't do anything at school.

Both have tried various other clubs over the years, including climbing, rugby, football and dance, but none have stuck for long. DS is very much more into individual sports. Currently enjoying golf and cycling. He gets frustrated during casual games of football and the like at school, when he thinks others aren't following all the rules exactly. He's definitely a "rules" man.

DD is more up for trying clubs, but apart from gym and choir, nothing has grabbed her for more than a term or so.

We did push them into trying more when they were younger, but are now taking the view that they'll let us know when there's something they want to try.

I have three kids and have always helped them pursue things they're interested in but never put them in clubs for the sake of it. My eldest does two things per week, one during the week and one on the weekend, my middle one does two, both at the weekend, and my youngest does two, both during the week. Across the three of them that adds up, but each thing is something they chose and love, so I'm happy to work through the logistical gymnastics for them. Don't worry about it though. My middle one (now 10) didn't want to do anything for years and then in year 5 he found his way to some interests, asked me to find a class or club for it, and is very happy with them. But it had to be when he was ready. And they can come out of nowhere. He developed a sudden passion for rugby, a sport he'd never had any exposure to at school or home, but watched one match with his Grandad, asked to join a club and, against my expectations, it's stuck.

5 year old does swimming (non-negotiable for us) and squirrels (youngest version of scouts) - he would probably do more given the option but he needs downtime after school - at some point we might add a team sport or a martial art.