Sibling jealousy

[Cauliflowercheeseisyummy]

I have two boys- age 9 and 5. The big one absolutely loved his little brother until little one got to around 2 and then was a standard difficult toddler. Since he’s been 4 he’s been fine but the older one is constantly sniping at him, disinterested and generally unkind.

Older one gets to stay up later, recently has been taken away on his own, does get days out alone every now and then so I don’t think he’s short of one on one time.

He seems to really struggle with understanding that there are different expectations for a younger child. He needs more help with stuff basically. He always seems jealous and to be honest it’s horrible to live with.

Any ideas? For the latest episode I have withdrawn privilege of staying up later at the weekend until things change. I’m presuming it will temporarily improve and then revert back to normal.

Firstly I am in no way bashing your parenting as I don’t know you, but I have seen many times that younger siblings get away with more, can antagonise the older sibling, takes their toys etc and when the older child gets upset or cross the parents put unreasonable expectations on their maturity when really the younger child should be reprimanded.

Have you had a conversation with your eldest about why he seems to be like this? Try not to accuse him but allow him to say his truth (which you might not agree with) so you can understand.

What do you mean by he doesn’t understand that there are different expectations? Expectations on behaviour? On chores?

Then I’d put some ground rules in that apply equally to both children - no raising voices, no hitting etc. Perhaps a reward chart for this so it’s visible to both.

Yes I know what you mean about younger children getting away with more. The younger one doesn’t really antagonise the older one. It’s more that his presence alone seems to irritate him. He held his arms out for a hug goodbye this morning and older sibling just walked off. He did shout bye.

I have asked him why he’s like it and he just says he doesn’t know. He’s fine and good company when his brother isn’t around.

Different expectations would be things like younger brother gets no homework so doesn’t have to do any whereas older one does. I expect older one to sort his own school bag etc out. Neither of them do many chores and perhaps this is something we need to improve for both of them.

Perhaps try to draw attention more to the similarities. So like you said set some expectations for helping around the house with age appropriate chores for each child so it’s obvious to your older child that the younger one does also have to help.

Perhaps you can also think about pocket money and for that to be age appropriate so that the older child has slightly more. and/or giving the older child opportunities to earn more by doing extra as a way to praise maturity. So when there are arguments like younger brother doesn’t have to do homework so why do I, you have example of where being older is a benefit.

Perhaps it will take some time for older brother to warm back up to the younger one now he’s out of the toddler stage, which I imagine can be quite annoying as a sibling