Struggling with this issue with ds(5). Would welcome help

[pizzafordinnertonight]

My ds is five, in reception. My issue is that when we’re in a shared space, with something he wants to use, he is really poor at taking turns with it and doing so fairly. I’ll use yesterday as an illustration.

We were at an event for children and at first ds was really enjoying exploring everything. But then, there was a particular game he enjoyed. At first he was the only one using it - fine, but then another girl came up. I had to get him to give her a turn which he did, but it was in a very sullen and mulish sort of way. He was trying to hover over her while she was using it - I kept pulling him back. Then as soon as she’d had one go, he was practically pulling it off her. I’m trying to say ‘look ds, you must have had twenty goes and she’s had one’ but he just kept arguing with me in a really whiny voice so I couldn’t even hear him.

I ended up having to take him away from it altogether as even when other children were on it he was standing so close to them (which I’m aware can be quite intimidating) that they couldn’t enjoy it, and even then he just kept trying to gravitate back to it. It ended with a full on crying meltdown because I made him come to the toilet with me (as I said, I couldn’t leave him alone!)

Is this normal? I tried to talk to him afterwards when he was calmer but he just interrupts and endlessly repeats things that are a bit meaningless like ‘yeah … she, she, she, she wanted a go and I said yes but then she went to the thing and she did …’

I really want him to be a bit, well, fairer I suppose. And maybe I’m expecting too much? But it makes going out with him stressful. Sometimes it’s fine and then we seem to go through a period where it’s nothing but altercations. No concerns raised at school and none at preschool prior to school.

It’s unusual that school and preschool didn’t mention difficulties with sharing. Maybe he’s better in a structured setting or finds it harder in other settings or with new toys/ activities.
Do you ever have play dates or meet up with young relatives?
You could start with teaching waiting and turn taking with you at home. You might need to use a visual timer and consistent language my turn, your turn. He needs to embed the skill before he can transfer it to other settings.
You were right to wait until he was calm to try to talk about turn taking. I’d buy him a book about turn taking and reinforce and praise when he does do it “ good sharing!” “ good turn taking” rather than well done or good boy etc as they are clearer.

I think it sounds pretty normal for that age. Doesn’t mean it’s easy to deal with though! It will likely improve with practice and that can include at home when you’re playing games with him.

@24Dogcuddler the funny thing is he doesn’t always. Sometimes he seems incredibly friendly and sociable and keen to involve other children in his play. Other times he generally comes across less than pleasantly. But it is a recurring theme with him.

He has a sister and while they bicker and argue a bit they do take turns and he often ends up ‘being kind’ and letting her have something (she is two.)

The main problem is that it’s random and when he’s in one of those moods getting him out of it is nigh on impossible … it happened at a museum a few weeks ago as well, where he was just looming endlessly (obviously I didn’t let him but it can make days out difficult!)

Thanks @Jk987 i really hope so! I probably could do with reinforcing the message because I need him to understand just because you’ve let someone else have a turn doesn’t mean you stand over them like a debt collector!

Sounds like he has the skills but struggles to transfer them to new situations or exciting environments.
Love the debt collector comment!

Sound like you are doing a good job and he knows about the idea of taking turns. It just seems that he gets excited sometimes which is normal for 5 year old boys in particular.
Just keep being consistent and talking to him. Praise when he is considerate and let's others take a turn. Praise when he steps back rather than hovering.
If you can get over the idea that " grown up boys make sure everybody gets a turn" then he might even look for opportunities to share.

Thank you: really appreciate those responses!