How to raise confident daughters

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I am interested if anyone has any tips on how to raise daughters that have good self esteem and genuinely like them selves. I have two daughters age two and four and would love some recommendations on books or things your parents did that have helped.
I am definitely going to encourage sports, maybe a martial art would be good?
My elder daughter already does dance classes and next September we will let her pick another activity too but I’m wondering if their is anything else I can do to help them feel secure in themselves.

Hard disagree. I felt constantly on edge and anxious at a girls secondary school. I was in a popular group and had lots of friends but I was always worried about being dumped from the group and trying to keep up and fit in. It was fiercely competitive and bitchy, unfortunately conforming to the stereotypes. I went to a mixed independent school for sixth form and it was a breath of fresh air having friendships with boys and I felt so much more secure and confident. It won’t be PC to say but so many of the girls at the girls school were obsessed with boys and there was some very promiscuous behaviour going on at a young age. Boys were this mysterious entity held on a pedestal and it was all about who had done what with a boy. Pretty gross and not what I want for my DD.

I never found physical activities were good for my confidence, they were just opportunities to be humiliated and I would probably be much more confident today if I'd never had to do them! It must be different for people who aren't useless at these things, however.

I don’t know. My DD14 is very confident in some ways, she has a job she’s reliable with, she’s aiming high academically, she has clear expectations of others. I think she has a deep sense of attachment to me, which doesn’t waver - whatever we might irritate one another about. My DH and I have always given her a lot of praise and encouragement and said yes to pretty much what we can - child led I guess, in terms of her interests/the clothes she wears/choices. Shes sensible and bright and has chosen good, solid friendships that seem to last.

Im quite an anxious person, certainly wasn’t confident when younger but I’m very straight forward and say what I think. Maybe this helps?

Oh and to take a different view point from lots of posts on here, I often tell my DD she looks beautiful or I love her hair, or compliment her outfit. I never say anything negative about her appearance (except she draws all over her hands and she knows I hate that! But this is the one appearance thing I am trying to bite me tongue about)

Shes 14 and has insecurities like all teens, she’s trying out new looks and you have to be quite brave to change something and go to school where everyone will notice, she compares herself to her friends but don’t we all sometimes? Their world now is very looks based, it’s grim but it’s reality - she’s not on social media particularly but watches you tube and has favourite music groups etc.She’s well aware of fashions and brands etc.

I think so long as you don’t link appearance to value or success it’s also helpful to be told you look great. I love that my DD is confident for example to wear her really big brows with pride, I spent years over plucking mine - she’s stunning and very natural and I think that takes some inner confidence to be yourself.

I completely agree. Some of the girls my daughter knows at an all-girls' school are completely obsessed with boys, so much so that one of them wants to switch to a boys' sixth form (that just started taking girls) where she will be one of the only girls in the year. Whereas my daughter has been at mixed primary and secondary schools and is quite nonchalant about friendships with boys.

Thank you everyone, this is such a supportive thread. Some great advice from everyone that I will be taking on board. I really hope by the time my children are teenagers there will be age restrictions on social media.
We live in a very sporty area so I’m sure we will find something my children enjoy doin but also open to the arts as extra curricula activities too, it’s one thing that was never an option for me as a child

Try not to rely on their activities to give them confidence- being really good at something often does not a confident person make

My daughter has ASD1 and severe anxiety; that's the way her brain is wired, so as you can imagine, confidence is in short supply.
But she knows to focus her efforts on

• close friendships - she doesn't need loads, but she knows how to treasure and nurture the ones she has, and they are her safety net and her cheerleaders
• stepping out of her comfort zone - she hates it, it can bring her to tears, even at times vomiting, especially when she was younger, but at 17, she knows she has to (and actually wants to) find ways of coping. She volunteers in a very deprived area; her sense of doing right helps her overcome her fear. Every time she goes, she is utterly terrified, but she forces herself to do it and comes home happy to have gone.
• self-care, even if she can't manage self-love. There are times she hates herself, but she knows that even in those moments, time to herself, a long hot shower, binge-watching TV, or painting D&D figures all bring some stability.

I guess what I wanted to say is that life, and indeed your parenting, might not give you confident kids, but you can focus on what is best for the kid you've got.

I always say ‘In our house we reward effort not achievement ‘ so trying things , even if you fail , is praiseworthy. And model a confident assertive woman who is not a doormat . Put your own needs ahead sometimes .

Much of this applies to all children irrespective of sex. Not all boys are naturally confident.
I wish I had known how important it was to teach self esteem. Neither of us parents are particularly good role models for confidence and self esteem and both DSs were lacking, at least until their 20s. A combination of genes and lack of teaching perhaps.

Following with interest - I think my 4 year old daughters confidence has taken a dent since starting reception and I'm really keen to build her up again.

we Have a jar where we write compliments on every week of things they done or how they’ve behaved and pop it in as and when. Share with them once a week Reaffirms they’re good people

Lots of lovely ideas. I don’t think my daughters lack confidence and are certainly more social and confident than I was at their ages but I think a sense of self belief is so important.
I run a small business from home so the girls do see clients a few times a week and I am always impressed how they are so comfortable around adults.
My four year old does seem to deal well with adversity, she has started a preschool in a language she didn’t speak, learnt the language then moved to another area with a new preschool within a year. She seems happy with plenty of friends, I just want to do right by her.

Absolutely agree with this. Never telling your child that they're handsome/beautiful can be really damaging. My parents never said anything positive about my looks and I grew up thinking I was ugly. Even on my wedding day they didn't say anything like "you look beautiful".

Looks shouldnt be centred on but I let my kids (of both sexes) know thay I think they are beautiful/handsome. I'll never forget the day my daughter came home from primary school saying that a group of girls had called her ugly and she had just shrugged it off and said "I know they're wrong because you tell me I'm beautiful and I know you don't lie to me".

So don't be afraid to tell your children they are beautiful - they are!

I would say you’ve had some great advice here op. I would focus on making sure your girls know they are loved.

After some damaging teenage years, the thing that grew my confidence the most was getting a job and working with the public in retail. Was invaluable.

When one of my daughter's moved into her own flat, one of her flatmates appraised her and said: "I can tell you come from a Naked Mom house."

This comment made me laugh but is true and very telling! I'm not saying that you should wander around naked chatting to your children if that doesn't come naturally, but I've always been very confident myself and that was a part of it.

I've always told them they were brilliant and also beautiful (I know this is controversial on MN but I've always said it, and flattered them about their eyes / hair / style).

And just be very confident yourself, even if you are an absolute drowned hound. I always tell myself that being hot is a choice. ;) Exude that big dick energy!!

I will say though that after years of being independent and confident, having kids has reversed everything i worked for and i am almost back to square one.