Rude friend and my DS

[Timetogetgone]

Hi

I’d love everyone’s opinion on this.

I want to preface this by saying I’m not a mum who thinks my son is the most innocent child in the world and can do no wrong, but I do know my boy. He’s well liked, kind, exuberant and funny and whilst he has lots of friends I’m really stuck as to what to do with this one.

This 6 year old ‘friend’ is vastly different to my son. His mum even calls him overly sensitive and slightly on the spectrum but I have heard him cry over the wind blowing too hard.

I don’t know why but he’s really taken to trying to bring my son down.

The usual 6 year old drama:

You’re not playing right (when my son is)
You didn’t win (when my son did)
You can’t play with us etc

But it’s everything my son does. He follows my son around just criticising everything he does. Even I find it exhausting and I know my son is tired of it (my son is 5).

After school on Friday the kid came up to me and said to me, when his mum wasn’t around ‘your son is a liar’. Obviously I just said, no he’s not (I didn’t even care if he thought he was or if my son had lied because at this point I just can’t keep giving this kid attention). He then said ‘he doesn’t play right and he’s too rough’.

I explained to the boy that my son had been hurt by two separate children that week who were essentially, picking on my son and said, so no, my son isn’t too rough, as he’s always the one getting hurt’.

He then said ‘you’re kid is mean’ and I just said ‘don’t play with him then’ and ended the interaction.

What’s so annoying is this kid AND his mum will approach me practically everyday for a play date. I’ve made so many excuses up as to why we can’t to be polite but I’m thinking I’m just going to have to bite the bullet and say the truth.

I’ve told my son not to play with this kid anymore and he said he doesn’t ’but he just follows me around and says I’m not doing everything right’.

I know I’m over thinking this, I have high social anxiety and a massive people pleaser (trying to stop this) but what would you say to this kid/mum.

The kid always says rude things about my son to me and I’m honestly sick of it!

What would you do in this situation?

Speak to the teachers to understand their relationship better. At that age one will say one thing and the other another. It’s an issue for the school to address (if there even is one).

Make excuses for the play dates - the mum will get the hint eventually.

What an overfamiliar and unpleasant child

Speaking to the teacher about the dynamic in school is a good idea. Don’t get involved in a back-and-forth with the child if he approaches you - your response ‘maybe you’re better off not playing together’ is good - keep repeating it.

Talk to the teacher. Make excuses for playdates. Redirect him back to his mum when he tries to talk to you in the playground.

The child and his mum are not “ slightly on the spectrum “ they are dancing a jig waving flags up the spectrum !

poor mum is in denile and I’d tell her what he is saying to you so she can use it in her EHCP paperwork

Tell the kid not to tell tales and to leave you and your son alone or you will tell the teacher.

Some kids get lots of attention from their parents by telling tales on other kids. They also think it makes them look grown up to the adults.

Just tell mum that her son does not actually care for your DS and so it's not a good idea for them to do a play date.
I'd just let the teachers know that there's a lot of one way criticism against yoyr son and it's not justified. They should be aware

Thank you, I will do this and speak with his teacher

My mum said exactly the same thing!

Thank you, you’re spot on. I’ll just keep redirecting.

Thank you for this. I will.

This made me giggle! Yeah I haven’t said a word but I think if she says anything I’m just going to let her know.

You’re so right and I think that’s what’s happening here. He gets lots of attention saying mean things about other children and it seems non stop!

Thank you, I’m going to message the teachers in the morning.

It is annoying - I actually clicked on this thread because I had a slightly similar experience with DD and her friend. But they actually are friends - maybe a bit too much and when I spoke with the teacher she advised that they have their little spats but it’s mostly because they’re up in each other’s space a lot. But she made it clear that its normal and not an issue - if it was an issue she would be calling me. So I left it at that.

I did contemplate speaking to her mum, because the child made similar comments to the boy in your OP (she’s mean, she doesn’t want to play with me), but I decided it’s not worth making it a thing. This was over a month ago and I’ve not heard anything since. It might just blow over.

I can see why the belief is that the child is autistic and probably the things he is saying (eg your son lying etc) are almost certainly true to him. Your responses to the boy won’t be helping the matter.

Speak to school and tell the mum that your son doesn’t want any play dates at the moment and you’ll let her know if that changes.

Don't get over involved talking to him about who has fell out or hurt your son etc! Seems weird to give a child that much info and overly argumentative.

Just be neutral, oh ok, you guys need to work that out between yourselves, perhaps you need a break from each other then etc
Disinterested
Say to his mom if she asks about a playdate that you're sorry but you think it's best they had a little break from each other as there seem to be some squabbling at school, you know what kids are like blah blah

Perhaps you need to come up with strategies for your DS eg holding hand up and saying "stop I don't like that" or stop following me/saying that etc. "I'm not interested in talking about that now"
Buy some books on self confidence and bullies and fake friendships and talk a lot about what true friends act like and how friends should make you feel etc
Encourage play dates and friendships with other children and perhaps some other hobby clubs

Tell him to stop snitching and get lost
Your son needs to say that to him as well

You don't have to be polite to some bratty kid . Just tell him to Go away or I don't want you to talk to me or Go to your mother or I don't care . What can he do ?

Make it clear to DS that he doesn't have to play with this child to ’be nice' and have some replies ready for when the boy is following him around trying to nitpick him. Simply saying over and over to the boy and his mother that he and DS don't get on and should concentrate on other friendships.
Alert the teacher and the school to what is happening and you would appreciate them not being grouped together just because the child wants that.
It does sound like his autism is shaping his perception and he simply won't change as he believes your DS is doing the wrong thing as he decides what is right. I've had to distance my DC from similar.

I dont think your overthinking this at all.
I woukd ask the teacher to keep them apart wherever possible and deffo no more playdates.

To the mum - "Sorry the boys don't gel well at the moment so best to avoid playdates for now. Maybe when they're getting on a bit better."

Then ask the teachers to keep an eye at school.

I've had a child follow my child around the playground the entire time we were there pointing out everything he was doing wrong. Very irritating, especially as the parent was just sitting doing nothing. I eventually asked the child if my own child was allowed to breathe or whether he should just hold his breath indefinitely.

Tell him no. Whoever is lying it doesn’t matter. It’s not fun so knock it on the head. Ask your ds who he wants to spend time with. Teach him he doesn’t have to tolerate people who aren’t nice to him or about him.

theres is clear bullying going on and it’s causing problems for your son. The playground assistant can redirect them away from each other at playtime, distract the horrid wee boy, and separate them in class till it all dies down. Keep them apart at meal time too. Ask them for proper assistance
To help with this they have a duty of care to keep your child safe and think includes bullying at any age.
the parent on the other hand is your problem and you will have to be assertive and say jack and John are not playing nice together at the moment so I don’t think a play date is appropriate but maybe in the summer when the better weather comes and holidays we can arrange something if their behaviour improves. If she still asks after that you will have to simply ignore her.