Would you let your 4 year old go to a friends house without you?

[Whatthefork1]

My 4 year old has a friend at nursery, they have been in the same room since they started and I have been chatting to their parents for about 3 years now outside of nursery, at parties etc. we have also been round their house once before just for a hour. To me they seem lovely,
respectable people, they have a nice home and their children are also lovely.

The mum has invited my daughter over for a play date and I have also offered their daughter too.

My DH is absolutely set against it. He says we don’t know them well enough and he doesn’t want our daughter going round their house without one of us there also. He says that you don’t know what could happen, he is primarily talking about SA.

Am I incredibly naive? I would never want to put my daughter in a dangerous situation of course.

what are your thoughts please?

I think he’s probably being a bit alarmist - it sounds like you have got to know this family well over several years and have trust in the mum.

However, in my experience playdates at this age usually mean the parent of the visiting kid sticking around for the duration, ideally having a coffee with the hosting parent - are you sure this isn’t what was meant?

We’ve got a (just)5 year old and it’s been 50-50 whether parents drop and run or stay with kids. We’ve ‘known’ the parents for about 3 years now, through nursery pick ups and drop offs, kids parties, etc. 4 I’d expect parents to want to stay for at least the first couple of play dates, so yes would expect to stick around.

Your husband is right this is the kind of situation where sa can happen with older brothers or visiting uncles

It was definitely meant as a drop off and go. My daughter has done the same before a couple of times but the parents are our close friends of over 12 years, so definitely a different situation.

No older brothers there, but you’re right in the fact that other people could also visit the household whilst my daughter is there.

Does DH think this because she's only four? What will he think when she is six or seven or eight? I agree with him that four is quite young to be left (in my experience "drop and go" started a year or two later), but if DH wants to refuse to allow play dates all the way through primary school unless you know the parents extremely well, then your DD is going to really miss out.

I think it's a bit young. Not so much the risk of SA but things like going to the toilet (might not know if they can just go or where they are) or if they feel uncomfortable or sad and can't communicate that. I remember a friend of DS came round and cried for half hour until I called his mum to collect him, turned out he didn't like the fruit I'd put out as a snack but didn't know he could tell me that.

I did 25 years ago when mine were that age. Never stayed at parties either...no one did in our group.

Can your DD use the toilet fully independently including wiping? I know some young 4s that are still in nursery may need help and I wouldn’t expect a playdate family to have to do it. But assuming that’s ok and she’s happy to go without her then I would let. He’s being rather alarmist- it sounds like you know the family well and trust the mum. Can he give age that he would be ok dropping off? Because whilst I think the mum would understand if you accompanied when the kids are only 4, no one will want that when they’re 7 and it will cost DD socially if she can’t do playdates and drop off parties.

It totally depends on how well you know and trust the parent(s) who will be in charge. The reality is that sexual abuse can happen when they’re 9 and when they’re 15. Will you never let her visit a friend? Go for a sleepover? Go on a school residential or guides camp out? You have to equip her with life skills and resilience to keep herself safe and that happens by giving measured opportunities for independence.

Definitely not at 4. She’s a baby still. Even if they are the nicest people in the world she is too vulnerable at that age. I mean 4 year olds are just learning to speak.

I would be delighted if my 4 year old was willing to go for a playdate at a friend's house without one of his parents there, but he would absolutely freak out. His best friend will do it, and we've hosted him at our house when his parents (who are good friends of ours) need childcare. For our DS, there are a couple of his friends' parents that he knows really well, and we think we can build up to him feeling happy to be left with them. Looking at all his nursery friends, the ones who get dropped off for playdates are normally the more confident outgoing ones, and it's only ever to friends where the families already spend a lot of time together and they know and trust the adults.

Based on the OP - you've been chatting to the parents at parties and nursery, and have briefly been to their house one time - I think your daughter would have to be unusually confident for a pre-schooler to actually want to be dropped off for a playdate without you. It sounds like you know the parents much better than she does. So on those grounds (rather than your DH's objection) I wouldn't think it was a goer.

4 is young for this (although some parents would drop off at this age, you're not being irresponsible), but by the time she is in year one (so 5-6) it would be unusual to stay for a playdate. So refusing now, okay, but what's going to change for him in a year or two? Because at that point it will start to be restrictive. It needs a conversation with him about how you're going to manage this over the next few years even if it's a "no" now.

I would find it weird for anyone to suggest a play date where you didn’t also stay and have a coffee/chat when it involves 4 year olds. Thsts absolutely not the norm.

Four year olds are not just learning to speak. if you know the parents then absolutley fo for it. Take some time for yourself and let your daughter enjoy herself

Four year olds are not just learning to speak!

It would be too young for me.

Unfortunately my life has crossed paths with many people SA as children due to voluntary work I did though they were not specifically in a support service for that exact issue. It’s far more common than people ever want to think. My children went from about 6 when very clear boundaries can be explained in a safe manner to them. It’s also almost always a relative, family friend or people who get involved with organisations that give an air of respectability plus access.

we never did this until school. Playdates always involved the parent staying too

Unfortunately knowing people well does not guarantee that none of their family members are dodgy, and children much older than 4 are vulnerable. So this will continue to be an issue for a long time. But you don't want DD missing out on social contact with friends.
What would make you feel safer? Maybe if the mum can promise that she'll be in the room with your daughter at all times when there's anyone in the house other than herself and other young children?

If the mum seems normal (you should know after 3 years) I wouldn't have a problem with it. It's for a couple of hours I presume so not a sleepover.

If I knew the family, I went off how my kids felt. DS was happy to play at his best friend's house at 3/4 without me being there, or for one parent to take them out.

I wouldnt.

I would

Listen to your husband. That’s all I have to say. She’s too young to go to strangers houses.

My daughter is very confident and she is very grown up for her age, she can clearly and confidently communicate her wants and needs. When the play date was mentioned and we left the house, she immediately said to me “I want to go back to friends house and you drop me off and go home” 😅