I feel awful about my only ds

[crazyashell]

My ds is an only and I feel awful as the only friends he has are the ones he sees at school.
Although I have had some of his mates back after school I do find it a strain to try and keep arranging it and always feel that I am the only one that bothers he is rarely invited anywhere.

I am a quiet reserved person and not that good at making friends or conversation with people.
There are no cousins of his age in the family and I don,t have any mum friends whose children he can play with.
There also never seems to be any children hanging around by us that he can go out and play with.
I t has always been like this and I long for my ds to have the opportunities that so many children have to get together with others.
I feel so bad about it and feel terrible when I get him home from school and there is no one there for him, I feel awful at weekends and especially awful at school holidays.
I know the lack of friends out of school is my fault for being so socially inadequate.
I have tried enrolling him in clubs etc but he has never really managed to make any real friends out of them.

What is wrong with me that I can feel so bad but lack the courage to do anything about it.

Where abouts are you, maybe there are some mumsnetters you can meet up with?

His lack of friends is not your fault, don't blame yourself. Is he quite shy? How old is he? Have you discusses strategies with him for making friends (clutching at straws here, only have a 1yr old so no clue really what you should do!). Are there any groups/clubs you could go to together? What about mixed sports clubs like martial arts?

Have you tried Beavers/Cubs/Scouts, that sort of thing? Going swimming together?

Do you have a DP? Could he take DS out and do man things where they might make friends?

I am in the midlands.
He can be shy but he is fine when he gets to know people.
I did try beavers but he decided he didn,t want to go, not sure why couldn,t get a fat lot out of him, but I think somehow he felt a bit odd going there for just one hour each week and it didn,t give him the chance to settle properly.
Me and him do go swimming together I have tried clubs, but its never made him any friends out of them.

I do have a dp but he just isn,t the sort to involve himself in things he is quite solitary preferring his own company.
We sound like a pathetic lot don,t we what chance does my ds stand with us two.

My DH is the same. We share care of DD and I can't persuade him to go to groups with her or anything.

No more advice I'm afraid, hopefully some more experience MNetters will come along.

Just keep at it, inviting friends over, trying new clubs. You can't force him to make friends but if you keep giving him the opportunities he will find his niche soon.

The most important thing is does it bother him? If your DP is fairly solitary maybe your DS is too.

Is your ds actually lonely? or is it you that is feeling that you wished your ds (and maybe you) had more friends?

I'm kinda like you with an only son (5). He only sees kids really at school - and we picked a school 6 miles away ! But my ds seems to be perfectly happy with this and the school have said that he has friends at school that he plays with. So i try not to worry and let him decide if he wants more contact.

How old is your ds? I would keep trying him with different types of clubs every now and then to expose him to different activities and more children. But be guided by what he wants.

I suspect that sometimes he probably is.
I have seen how much he enjoys himself on the odd occasion he has got to one of his classmates houses.
However these have only been short visits where i have been dropping his mate off back home after a playdate at ours.
He is 7 at an age really where I feel I am not enough for him.
He loves the hustle and bustle of other peoples houses where they may also have siblings.
He does amuse himslef in his own way with his toys, computer, his cat etc.
I worry all of the time that he is not getting enough social stimulation in our fairly quiet settled family of three household.
I will persevere with a few clubs.

I ideally you need to find a friend to have a coffee with who has a wee boy too. Are there any mumsnet meet ups near you?

When my ds was 7 I was a single mum. It was a very quiet environment for him.

I recognise that always having friends round to your house, but him not being invited anywhere. I used to think this was my fault, but when I talk to parents of other only children it seems to be quite common . I think the invites don't happen because if you have a family with siblings they entertain each other, and never think about the only dc down the road.

I'm afraid you have to keep on inviting his friends round annoying though it is that the invites ar not returned. I usually had 2 or 3 a week in schol holidays, I also used to take ds and his mates on loads of trips out. They were never returned either, (or even paid for)but I did it to keep him happy.

Ds is now 14 and has 2 step brothers and a little sister, so don't feel the need to entertain, but I do understand your concerns. It is an only child thing I think

I think you do need to persevere with clubs. How soon did he bail out of Beavers? Maybe it wasn't the right thing for him, but did he stick with it long enough to get past the initial shyness or awkwardness? Could you find out what clubs his classmates go to and try out some of those?

I have a DS too and feel very much like you so you are not alone.

I do have a few friends with children DS's age (5 years) but there are lots of time DS is on his own and wanting to play with me and DP.

I do feel very much like you are feeling now. Looking for comfort about all this myself so I dont hacve any advice for you unfortunately.

Do any of his friends go to the park after school. Could you turn up too? It would give him the chance to run around with his friends and for you to chat with the other parents.

My ds has been to a couple of after school activities and he went through a stage of not wanting to go but I persevered with the threats bribes to go and he started to really enjoy them. I think he was feeling a bit nervous and that came out as him not wanting to go.

Hi Crazy,

It sounds to me that you are doing everything you possibly can to help your son to socialise -just try to persevere.

If you are having a particularly guilty day, it might help to make a list of all of the positive things your ds has due to being an only child. For example, I have days when I literally feel torn in two trying to give both of my dds equal attention. I'm def not saying that I would prefer not to have one of them, but your ds will benefit from your undivided attention. I'm sure you can think of other examples.

You could tie yourself up in knots feeling guilty!

Do check out clubs that might be run at the local leisure centre, also pop-in swimming and other sessions at the local pool, he might bump into children he knows from school and it will go from there. We used badminton club at the local leisure centre, also gymnastics and swimming too, later on archery, all were good reasons to get out of the house and I would say boys are better being occupied, rather than just being sociable in own or other people's homes.
They always have table tennis around or pool table and there might be others looking for game/company.

Hi crazyashell. I'm in Derbyshire if that is anywhere near you. My ds has just turned 9 and he doesn't have many boys to play with outside school either. He's joined a fencing club in the hope of making friends but there are not alot of kids there. I have met another mum on mn and he's played with her children. Sports clubs are good for them to make friends, ds goes to a private school so all his school friends live too far away or go on away during the school holidays so it's mostly me and him. My family live in the midlands so he has no cousins here either. Would your ds like a penpal?

Some dance centres do classes just for boys, this may be fun for him and it may help.

I would recommend trying again with Scouting and going to Cubs when old enough.

Hello crazyashell, I'm in exactly the same situation as you. My son (5) is an only and is very sociable, unfortunately I am not. I'm extremely reserved and shy and find it so difficult to arrange things with my son's friends. It doesn't help that I can't drive and am in a foreign country so don't even have the fallback of family.

Sorry not to be able to give you advice but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. I have had a bad day with this issue today!

But I have decided that I am going to do more regarding inviting his classmates over, especially as the school holidays are upon us shortly.

It is so hard and I'm constantly terrified about how he is feeling and what effect this will have on him in the future but like you say I don't have the guts to really do something about it.

Crazyashell - I have a terrible feeling I could be writing a very similar story to yours in a few years time. DS is nearly 2 and I really don't know if we'll be having another one. I have similar problems engaging with other parents, exacerbated because I'm a WOHM. I'm also pretty shy in many ways, and DH (who looks after DS most of the time) is even shier.

I don't think you should entirely blame yourself though. I have found when I take DS to places that most other parents are very unfriendly and aren't interested in engaging in conversation. This is especially the case if they are there with more than one child. This used to puzzle me until I realised that people generally are pretty stand-offish and there's no reason why this would change just because they have children.

So I'm not sure I can offer any advice, only sympathy. The problem is that other children with siblings don't need friends as much as only children do. It would be great if you could meet another mum who only has one child.

You may not find this helpful but it worked for me-and that is to get involved. Join the PTA and then you get to know other parents and it is easier to talk if you have a job to do. In Scouting the leaders would be overjoyed if you volunteered to help occasionally (just as a parent). People who appear stand-offish may just be shy themselves, if baunilha and Twinklemegan were to meet they would probably put each other down as unfriendly when that is not the case!

Thanks for your replies.
This has become a real issue for me lately. Part of the problem is that I am even terrified to take my ds to clubs as I'm so uneasy around people I don,t know.

Its just not an ideal situation for my ds for me to be like this.
Its very true that families where there is more than one child don,t feel this like us with onlies.
My dh is also quiet and unsure of places and people he doesn,t know, what a pathetic pair we are you would think as adults we wouldn,t be like this.
I do try to compensate by taking him to places he may be able to play with others, it doesn,t always go that way though as alot of children are already there with their own siblings, mates, etc and I feel like shit after.
I do know of only children at my ds's school but I do hear their parents say things such as so and so is coming to see you so it seems that they still have available friends somewhere that they can play with.
I really feel as though I am the only one with this problem.
I am thinking of taking him to a badminton club for the first time tomorrow even if there are children he sees each week there he likes its something I suppose.
Although what I would really love for him is to have his own little circle of friends in his home life, whether it be children in the neighbourhood or our own friends.
Just somebody that I could phone for weekends, school holidays, and go off to soft play the park etc.
Its so depressing feeling like this.
I just don,t have the guts to suggest someone come round for a coffee etc.

Crazyashell, just a thought but my brother teaches at a local Aikido (sp?) martial arts club and any children that go have to be accompanied by a parent who also takes part in the class, I think so that they can practise the moves with them.
From all accounts my brother says that there's a good mix of people, adult and children, at the club, and they have regular nights out for the adults. So you could perhaps look into something like that for you and your DS, as it might be easier to break the ice with other parents if they are also with their DC's?