Don't feel a bond or love for my baby

[CraftyHen]

I'm a first time mum to a baby boy who is 7 months old. I always wanted to have a baby and felt ready, so when we found out we were expecting we were happy.

Throughout my baby I didn't feel any different. My body got bigger, but I didn't feel any different. I didn't have cravings, morning sickness, sensitivity to sounds or smells. I didn't feel any kicks, which didn't help. I was told this was because of where the placenta was positioned. When we found out the gender, I wasn't happy or sad, I just felt kinda indifferent. When I were thinking of names, I didn't feel excited. I spoke to my midwife and she said it was normal and when I met my baby I will feel more connected.

I had an emergency C-section and even when I held him, I couldn't feel anything. My partner was crying happily when he held our son. I smiled, but that's about it. I thought maybe because of having a C-section, I might be too tired and disconnected.

When we brought him home, I felt the same way. I tried breastfeeding, but I hated it. I didn't produce a lot of milk to begin with and pumping didn't do much.

I have tried playing with him, showing him things (leaves, nature, animals etc). I take him to playgroups and playgrounds. We go swimming weekly. I read to him and do contact naps. No matter what I do, I don't feel a bond for him or love. My partner says apparently it can take time and my GP and midwife have said the same thing.

I see all these other mums and Dad's who have a strong bond with their baby and I don't feel anything. My partner is very hands on, so I don't overstressed or tired from childcare.

Most of the time, I feel happy and relieved when the baby is asleep or someone else is with him. I dread when it's just me and the baby alone.

He smiles and giggles more with other people than me. I try to do the same thing they do to make him happy, but he either smiles a little bit or turns away.

It feels like I'm babysitting a stranger's baby.

Spoken to anyone you might have postpartum

I think that's pretty normal at seven months. There's nothing to love, yet -- they're just a lot of extra work, and perennially present. (When DS was that age, I used to stare at women by themselves in bookshops and cafes, because they were alone. )

I don't think I loved DS till he was a year old or more, and had actually become a person. I wouldn't panic. The bond will come eventually.

I think motherhood only started falling into place for me once I went back to work, and reanimated my professional self.

The idea that motherhood consists of hanging, enraptured, over your baby's cot 24/7 is a damaging myth.

Maybe you are not a baby person.

It is okay not to bond yet. You haven't rejected him. You just haven't felt what most other mothers claim to feel.

I bloody loved the toddler years. When all the mums who adored the baby years started getting grumpy and tired at the battles of wills, I suddenly switched on. I found babies quite boring. And it made me nervous, not knowing what they wanted. But once they started chatting and showing personality and individuality, the connection really began. And they are children for way longer than they are babies. So it's better that way round.

Keep doing what you are doing - take him out and about. Interact with him, sing to him, cuddle him and play with him. Find what activities the pair of you enjoy together best and do those more often.

I think the emergency C section plays a part in this, do you think you might have post natal depression? I am sorry you are finding things hard.

I notice that you don't seem reassured that people have said it can take time. Like you don't believe it. Or feel guilt or shame that it hasn't happened yet.

I'd work on that. Get rid of that doubt or any shame or worry. He might be picking up on it. Train yourself to believe how you feel is 100% fine. Maybe when you have a contact nap, just take a few deep slow breaths and say very softly: 'This is fine. Just being like this is fine.' Tell yourself that at other times too. At the park or after a swim. Just scoop him up for a quick cuddle, no pressure to feel anything while you do so, and say or think, 'We're fine. We're doing well.'

Allow yourself to acknowledge that you don't need to be feeling anything specific in order to be a loving or adequate mother. You are acting in a loving manner by taking care of him. That is enough. You are allowed to just do what you are doing with him and feel what you feel and be okay with it.

I was exactly the same, had an emergency traumatic c section and post op infection culminating in re admittance into the hospital.

I had to have some counselling, this was 30 years ago now. It made so much difference.

I felt very sad reading your post because I felt like this after my first child was born. I knew I was supposed to feel love, feel happy, but I just felt nothing. I was able to look after him ok but it felt like I was observing myself doing it, sort of out of body. After 4 months I went to the GP and was told I had PND. I went on anti depressants, and after a while my feelings changed. I came off the meds about 8 months later.

I didn’t have PND after my second and third children were born.

Please don’t feel bad or guilty about how you’re feeling, but do talk to someone about it. It’s normal, and you can get help. Please don’t struggle alone.

Oh god I felt like I'd given birth to an alien, then he was a complete nightmare for the next year or more and I thought I'd completely ruined my life. Then he started walking and talking and I thought he was wonderful.

Please consider seeing someone for PND. Here's a thread from an old poster in a very similar position that might be helpful too.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/3034658-No-bond-at-12-months?page=5&reply=81048122

Hi, thank you for your kind words and advice. I did speak with a Health Visitor about how I was feeling before as I wasn't too sure if it was Post Natal Depression and she kept saying that it was normal and my hormones are just 'all over the place' (her words). I did talk to my GP and she said the same thing.

I am trying, but it's hard.

Hi there, some areas have baby and bonds teams that can help with this. Please have a google and see if there are any in your area, alternatively if you are bothered by this and feel it’s a problem for you, speak to the GP and see if there are any other teams they can refer you to, for examples talking therapies or a perinatal team - id tell the midwife and GP the wording you have used to us - it’s like a strangers baby and tell them you want the help (if you do) and ask them to refer you for support xx