Shared leave

[Ag00se]

So this is a bit of a weird one...

I am an anxious ftm. I was pretty chilled before baby!

Currently on maternity leave. I'm taking shared parental leave with my husband so we have a few months off together then when baby is 8 months old, I go back to work full time and DH will stay at home to look after dc alone for another 2 months.

My DH had a pretty rubbish childhood, his family are far from nurturing, possibly bordering on neglectful, and had the total opposite experience to me. I grew up in a big multi generation household, the only child of my parents but always surrounded with attention and needs always met. My mum is a teacher so I got a lot of focus on learning and building foundations since day 1.

My worry is, because my DH has no experience of what we want for our child, how will he know what to do?? Is it instinct to care or is he more likely to repeat his own experiences (even though they weren't great and he openly says it's not the kind of dad he wants to be) because that's all he knows how to do?

For example, if he thinks baby is crying because baby is hungry and I'm busy, his default is to just leave baby to cry and not comfort because baby is breastfed and husband can't "fix" the issue. I have to prompt him. But he says he wants baby to have a childhood like mine, not his.

I guess I'm just after some reassurance that this will work out fine! And pointers of how to get my husband's thoughts going in the right direction instead of defaulting to no care when he doesn't know what to do. Is it a case of building his confidence and relationship with baby during the months cross over?

To be honest I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving my baby with a father who I already could see wouldn’t comfort the baby when they cried. Why are you sharing your leave in these circumstances? Baby could have more time with you if you weren’t sharing those initial months, too. I would want him having therapy and parenting classes if his natural instinct veers towards neglect… tbh. I wouldn’t be happy with baby being cared for by anyone who just left a baby to cry when upset, even if my husband. Also why is on you to fix his crappy parenting? I’d be telling him what’s wrong with it, and then HE needs to fix it. Does he recognise it’s a problem that he basically just tunes out the baby’s distress?

I'm not saying husband is neglectful towards our baby, I'm saying that was his experience in his own childhood.

I think he leaves baby to cry (only for a few minutes) either because he doesn't know what to do or thinks any efforts will be futile.

If there are such a thing as parenting classes, he would be happy to go!

We are sharing the leave because he wants to be a hands on dad. He had one month off when baby was born and he was incredible, literally doing everything for our whole household as I recovered from a traumatic birth. I guess baby's needs are different now and because he's out at work 12+ hours a day and only gets a few hours with baby they have to get to know each other again.

How old is baby? It is concerning that he leaves them to cry no matter what age. What does he say when you point out he needs to be being responsive and not just ignoring the baby?

Suggest when the baby cries to pick them up and walk around? (If it’s waiting for you to feed for a few minutes). Give him a few suggestions about what he could do. You are both navigating this new baby with no parenting book, you have breastfeeding to default back on to and he might feel hopeless if he can’t soothe the baby. My husband did. It does get easier though and the baby becomes more interested in the world and toys. Then it becomes more obvious the crying is for hunger, tiredness or nappy change.

Prompt him to check the nappy, to walk around and see if it’s tiredness and the baby might fall asleep on him. Go for a walk outside. If it’s hunger at the minute then you will likely be near by.

I guess 8 months old they typically still like to feed a few times in the day. So maybe consider what to do about milk by that stage.

Parenting classes would definitely be a good idea.

But he'll also learn as he goes along.

As long as he's open to instruction, that's the key bit!

Leaving a baby to cry for minutes is a really bad sign. And sorry to be doom and gloom but 8 month olds can be 100 times more frustrating than a small baby. They want to move but can't. Weaning is hard work. Teething. Need entertainment but because they can't move you need to be creative and patient (and out and about a lot). Separation anxiety kicks in and it's a killer.

I was 10 times busier at 8 months than at 3 months (although better sleep meant i was a bit less tired).

As a minimum, you need to discuss what he expects of these couple of months.

And lots of dads are incredible* in the first few weeks. Most of the ones I know, both mine and my friends'. The real test is months and years down the line when life is still hard, baby still doesn't sleep (most babies don't sleep uninterrupted every night even at 12 months), life is boring, baby is frustrated etc.

*re the incredible comment- he just did what he was supposed to do. Don't give him too much credit because he managed to step up for a grand whole month.

Ia with @Blue2020. Give him suggestions, encourage him to try different things. My husband was a bit like yours early on - uncertain, perhaps a bit reluctant to try and fail. I think my most commonly used phrases were "it's your baby too" and "there's more than one way to skin a cat". He'll work out his own way of doing things.

Definitely have a conversation about red lines though - e.g. you both agree that it's never acceptable to leave baby crying for longer than a minute, if you need to run the loo or whatever then baby has to be left in a safe space like the crib, etc. The crossover period sounds like it will be helpful, as long as dad takes the lead and doesn't just default to leaving everything to you.