How much contact?

[ThatBrightTaupeKoala]

My 3x has mov3d 300miles away with my eldest child (10) and I have our youngest (6) i need to work out some boundaries with contact etc.. at the moment they'll call every single day morning and night and I get abuse if I dont answer. The problem is it ends up upsetting the youngest as she just wants to be with her sister. I need to put more control on the calls as its to much and I feel like hes purposefully doing it so my youngest will ask to go live with him (which she already is) I was thinking just on the weekends? She can call and message me whenever but the youngest is only 6 and gets to emotional.
Also connect was initially agree as half of each school holiday each, but again it upsets her whole routine as he let's them do whatever they want up there, buys them anything and everything and she then struggles when she comes home, it also means travelling 300 miles 3 times in a weeks half term 🤔 which i think is to much!
Obviously in an ideal world they'd move closer but he wont even tho its effecting their mental health so much. Just stuck on what contact I can do so my youngest can have her own life and accept the fact she wont see her sister everyday 😔

How long ago did he move away with your child? Did you agree to it? Are you happy with this decision?

I struggle to empathise with a situation of putting boundaries in place to reduce the amount of contact time you have with your your 10 year old child.

There's a lot to unpick here.

Why were the children separated? Why is your ex 300 miles away with your child?

There definitely needs to be boundries in place about the calls, particularly before school. What do you mean by you get abuse if you don't answer?

Could you move closer to them?

Have you spoken to school to see if they can offer any support to your dc?

Only in October, I wasn't happy about it but there was domestic control involved and she wanted to go with him. Im not happy with it atall and want her to come back, even him to move closer. But he wont. My 6 year old is struggling, the 10 year old is getting, new toys, a pet rabbit, late night's, trips out etc so is having the time of her life then video calling my youngest and telling her and showing her morning and night before school which leaves her in tears

Was this court ordered?

Absolutely no way a court has ordered a split in siblings imo. Op a lot of damage has been done here, but there’s still time to undo it as they are so young. Sorry to be blunt but it was dumb as fuck to let the 10yo decide to move 300 miles away with her dad, away from her mum and sibling. The siblings need to be reunited and living together for a start. They don’t get to decide this yet, how on earth at that age can they know what’s best for them? This obviously isn’t it. I’d be looking at getting a court order immediately and sorting out contract arrangements where the children are TOGETHER, whether that’s at their fathers or with you. Going by your claims of abuse, I’m assuming that will be you

Nope no court order. We separated and he lost complete control, he has a friend that lived there and within 2 months left. Told the 10year old a load of lies about me so there was no way she wanted to stay with me. If I dont answer she will message me saying she hates me, and he will get people to drive past my house and check if im in the house and who im with as to why im not answering the phone. We were both born here and both girl born and brought up here we have lots of friends and family and I have my job here so dont see why I should have to uproot to somewhere ive never even been to because of him. The school are aware of the situation and are trying to support her but she is struggling with her work now

Op, you've messed up big time here you've allowed your 10yo to move hundreds of miles away with an abusive man.

You seem so passive about it as well, more pissed off at the impact your child calling you is having on your life than the fact she's now living with an abusive man.

You need to be going to court ASAP and getting this sorted out.

As for "Why should I uproot" - because your child is living with an abusive man and because you've separated siblings and they are struggling.

I mean it does very much seem the op has sacrificed her 10yo for the sake of her own peace. Now the little girl is being brought up by an abusive man, and the ops main problem seems to be annoyance that her life is still getting disturbed by the 10yo showing off to the 6yo about her dad currently ‘Disney dadding’. It doesn’t sound like anyone’s putting the children first here. Surely all the reasons why the op listed why she gave him the 10yo should have been more reasons to do everything in her power to keep her away from him

I really think that you need to get professional advice, from school safeguarding, domestic abuse charity, social work and seek legal advice..

I regularly have to make decisions in the best interests of children. It's very damaging for siblings to be separated, a child will often choose to live with the parent who is the perpetrator of domestic abuse, especially when it's a Disney dad.

This current arrangement is going to impact your children's wellbeing throughout their lifetime, I hope that you can find the strength to reach out for support.

You are totally focusing on the wrong thing. Go to court and sort out a proper court access, this set up is stupid and you both need to do better

Your 10 year old has lost her Mother, her younger sister, her friends and her home, in addition she is having to get used to living in a new home in a place she doesn’t know and a new school - of course she wants to phone you repeatedly, she isn’t happy. What happens when you send the six year old down to visit - there’s a high chance he’ll keep her and refuse to give her back.

Go to court now before your 10 year old settles into her new home and it’s decided that she’s better off staying there.