I’m ready to face the consequences, but I also need some support. I already feel guilty as it is.
DSD lives with us full-time (the last three months) and we also have a five-month-old.
With the lack of sleep and just getting used to our new situation, my partner and I have been arguing more than usual. We usually keep it to text messages so no one knows what’s going on, but recently, there have been a couple of clear disagreements. I am the default parent, and I feel so overwhelmed with everything I have to do. I feel like I am the project manager in my home when it comes to housework, cleaning, washing, trying to get DSD (teen) to take over washing, feeding, food shopping, weaning, making sure the uniform is clean, making sure we have everything we need to take everyone out and dealing with teething.
The mental load feels astronomical compared to four months ago.
Anyway, the other night, I snapped. I didn’t shout or scream, but we had a disagreement in the kitchen after dinner because my partner made a silly comment about leaving a bowl somewhere instead of just putting it next to the sink (unintentional, I might add, and considering I’m picking up after everyone daily). This led me to go through all the things I do on a daily basis and the constant need to pick up after everyone (really shouldn’t tit for tat, so not my proudest moment). However, there were raised voices, and I ended up walking out of the kitchen through the living room (past DSD) and to bed. Not long after, my partner apologised, as did I, and we went to bed.
The following day after school, DSD asked if everything was okay between me and my partner because the night before was ‘a lot’. I hadn’t even given it a second thought because it all got resolved, but now I have this horrible feeling of guilt that DSD heard our whole conversation and it unsettled her. I was also caught off guard and didn’t know what to say, which led to a really unprepared conversation where we said we had a misunderstanding and annoyed each other but said sorry to one another and now we have it resolved.
I just feel terrible, and now in my head, I’m going through all the frosty moments she may have witnessed over the last few months. We are trying to adjust to having her full-time as well as a new baby, and I feel like we are traumatising the poor girl.