Relationship with 6.5yr old DD - advice?

[10dalmationshort]

I'm the breadwinner in the house, i went back to year after a year maternity leave and DH became the SAHD for 5 years due to my earning power vastly outearning his. All stable, fine, wanted/planned. I work Mon-Fri normal office hours, but WFH 99% of the time so am around a lot/only occasionally travel 1-2 nights away every couple of months. We have 1 DD who was very much wanted and planned.

I'm struggling with elements of my relationship with her, and how to navigate it/or if i should be doing anything different. It seems to be getting worse, not better.

e.g. She left something she needs for school in her room today so I went to look for her, and couldn't find it. I went back to tell her i couldn't find it, and my husband heard her saying "God, mummy is so stupid" on the way into her room. He told me afterwards because he thought i'd heard it (i hadn't) and told me to not take it personally. He told DD to apologise for saying that and to come over and hug me to say sorry (i had no idea what was going on as I hadn't heard it).

I'll be honest, I'm sitting a bit upset and this happened over an hour ago! (And it was on the back of telling her this morning that we've booked a really amazing day out next month that she'll love - a very expensive awesome trip that she seemed so excited about). It made me feel really awful on the back of a few other things she's said/done recently.

She often runs over to hug and tells DH "I love you daddy" when I'm standing there, but she often looks at me first before saying it (even when it's not practical i.e. he's carrying a load of stuff in his hands!).

When we mentioned that she couldn't do something earlier this week, and my husband said something like "I'm sure some Daddys would let their kids do that, but i won't" she said "I'm going to go to a shop to see if they sell you" and when we asked what she meant, she said "actually I will go to a mummy and daddy shop but i won't replace you, i'll just buy a new mummy". She was looking at me when she said this and my husband pulled her up on it by saying it was quite a mean thing to say, and we left it there.

I don't know what's going on here. I'm present, i do a lot of her personal care (e.g. I'm the one who bathes her, does her teeth morning/night, helps set out her things for school the next day, practical basics). DH now only works part time so is with her between 3.30pm-5.30pm daily. I know "my" part of duties interrupts her a lot i.e. she gets TV time between 5pm -5.30pm daily while he makes dinner, then when I come out at night, she has to turn off the TV and we wash hands together to eat etc.

I used to think these were just cheeky things designed to test my reaction, or that she'd grow out of it, but this has been going on for about 2-3 years now - it really started happening when she was about 4 ish (not suddenly or explainable).

I don't know how to improve things from here, or if i should be more deeply concerned about all this - or if it's just an age thing/testing boundaries?

p.s. it might be relevant that my mother died very suddenly when she was 3.5 years old, and we never got to see her 1 last time, so Grandma Dalmation just went away, but it's not beahviour that i can attribute to suddenly kicking in as starting then. We bought her a little teddy which we explained as Grandma's gift to her, to tell her that grandma loves her and that Grandma wanted her to hug it any time she felt sad or missed grandma - we did this on the advice of my sibling who's in education and had some advice on how to best explain/deal with the loss. I'm not sure if this is relevant though.

Most kids have a preferred parent, almost all of them at least for a stage, it's not always going to be the mother regardless of whether you work or not and might switch around depending on life stage. You sound like you're doing a lot for your child, family and house. That's great. Your husband also sounds like he's supporting you and not encouraging that behaviour either. Your goal shouldn't be to your child's best friend but their parent anyway. Sounds like you're doing most things right, just need to ride it out and not take it so personally (way easier said than done). Good to get some practice in now, before the teenage years lol.

You mention your husband telling her off on both occasions, but not what you said/did. What did you do? Don’t let him be the mediator in your relationship with her. I also wouldn’t take it too seriously though; children say things for reaction/attention, and if you’re mulling it over and are deeply wounded, she’ll feel that. If it were me, I would immediately briskly say something like “how rude!”, and then move straight on. Be confident in your relationship with her, and if you don’t feel it then fake it till you do.

She sounds as though she feels a bit insecure in her attachment to you and is testing this. This is not a blaming thing but instead of feeling hurt I would lean into it and be more present if possible, reassure her about how important she is and how much you love her etc. If you withdraw (understandably) because you feel hurt then it will reinforce the distance. Get your husband on board to reinforce your love for her and importance to the family as well (try not to emphasise your role as the provider - I only say this as you mention the expensive day out - and more as the loving and nurturing caregiver).

Fundamentally remember that she is 6.5 and coming from a very childlike perspective so although it is tempting to see her behaviour through a persecutory lens or as her being manipulative this is not the case. I hope this is helpful - you sound like a lovely, engaged mum who is totally on it so I have no doubt you can resolve it soon.

6 year olds do say these things. The other day I witnessed my daughter's best friend tell her perfectly nice mum that she was "the worst mum in the world!" with accompanying foot stamp. So I do think you're taking it a bit personally.

When my own daughter comes out with stuff like that I simply tell her that's not how she should speak to me, point I don't speak to her like that, ask her to apologise and then we move on.

You say you do a lot of practical things with her and are taking her on an amazing trip out but are you doing nice things with her every day? Are you reading a story to her every night before bed are you playing a game with her every day after dinner? Maybe you already are - but I wonder if it's not amazing/expensive days out with you that she's looking for, but your time given to her consistently every day?

I think you really need to build up your connection with her and just 'being around' isn't enough to do that.

My almost 9 year old much prefers her dad and I would class myself as the primary parent although we both work. I WFH and can take her to school so there’s that element of dad is more exciting because he almost never does this. She definitely has some tantrums over it and it’s hard not to feel hurt. She feels secure enough with you to express herself which is a good thing.

Thanks, all - this is really helpful to hear different perspectives. To answer a few quesitons:

1. yes i used to try a few different things (turning it into a joke, saying "that's really rude" and making her apologise, explaining that it's very mean and asking her to empathise or re-stating the "imagine someone said that to you"). these days i just sort of ignore it and my DH has taken to stepping in. I think i'll try and get back to the "that's rude" correction and swiftly move on to see if it works better now we're 2 years later.
2. I'm definitely seen as "the provider", but i do make time for "nice time" too - we have "Mummy Daughter" days where i take her for a "fancy" (cafe!) lunch with just us, and she gets to order sweet things from the menu,like having a pudding at lunchtime. i also play a game with her most nights of her choosing after dinner while DH is away doing jobs outside/locking up external buildings (he's away for 20mins so we get started with a game and if there's enough time we do a 2nd one with him involved). so we get plenty of mum/daughter time most days.
3. We do read stories as a family together before bedtime every night. it used to be always me reading, but she's got into a kids' comic my husband liked as a kid so he now reads every night with me supporting, pointing to words and being there - that changed about a year ago too.

I'll see how changing my reaction works to test it more, but i definitely thing "testing attachment" rings quite true. that, and the fact that i'm the "provider" for the family is a big thing too (she is very aware of this as my husband has always tried to make sure she understands why i'm not there at 3.30pm, he has been the champion of me when she says "why can't mummy play now", he says "mummy has to work but will be out at 5.30pm, she's working so that we can have a lovely warm house and buy games and eat the nice food we have"). maybe that's been pushed too hard though?.

I would search for preferred parent. It's a thing in child development/psychology, and it 100% mirrors what you are describing. It's quite normal development wise and they will likely grow out of it, but there are things you can do to try and guide it a bit, although to be honest seems like you're already doing most of the recommendations. Sometimes you just have to wait these development phases out.