Dsd(13) and DD(11) hate each other

[forthenight]

Dd is 11, dsd 13. I’ve been dsd’s step mum since before dd was born and she has limited relationship with her mum so day to day I am ‘mum’ to both and they are ‘sisters’.

They have always bickered but used to be best friends most of the time. I don’t know what triggered the falling out but around the time dd started secondary there has just been argument after argument and they can’t be left together anymore.

They both seem to be equally at fault. They have both done extremely horrible things to each other, said really nasty things, stolen and broken each others belongings, sent photos and told private things to each others friends which has led to other issues. The school got involved then with the solution being to ban them from being near each other at lunch and break but others wise suggested it was normal sibling behaviour and will pass.

We’ve tried forcing them together which didn’t work and had settled on keeping them in separate rooms or banning them from speaking to each other when together which was working but now the issues have spread into fighting over younger siblings and pets and the screaming has started up again.

Is this normal sibling behaviour? What are we doing wrong and what can we start doing to try and help them?

They have both had periods of therapy in the past for other issues and know that unless they are willing to engage (which they are not) would not be helpful now, it has been offered.

It's because they are not full siblings

Do you think it could be harder now because of the ages, one pre teen, one teen.

I don’t have children this close in age but I do have a young teen and the changes in her started from her second year of high school.

If it’s any consolation she fights with her sibling who is younger by a few years and it can be very stressful at times.

But what’s the solution? They’ve grown up together, there’s no issues between DSS or other DC.

Not necessarily. I remember having similar fall outs with my sister at that age. Much of it came from the fact we were two girls, hitting different stages of puberty and different stages at school. I remember wanting her to be my friend at high school and me being her annoying little sister. That time of our life was probably when we started arguing the most. It lasted for a couple of years, my parents just left us to work it out. Were the best of friends and have been for the past 40 years so long term it did us no harm.

Our health visitor has two girls the same ages and she told us they fight like this. All her other kids are fine with each other and the two of them. She's reached the stage where she takes one to school and the other gets the bus so they don't have to be together as much in the morning! Just saying sometimes it's just a phase and pre teen/ teen girls can be tough!

That's utter nonsense. Ds1 and dd fought like cats and dogs when they were growing up. I regularly despaired of the 2 of them. They are now adults and get on brilliantly.

I think that's just a tricky patch for girls - one's fully in adolescence, the other is not quite there and I think girls can easily annoy one another at that stage, as the older one 'pulls away'. My DSis and I always got on pretty well as kids but I think even we maybe rubbed each other the wrong way at about that age (with a similar age gap), but then you sort of catch up when both in teens and it improves.

Read the book Siblings Without Rivalry, make notes and a plan, then hold a family meeting.

This will pass. When my DD1 became a teen, she and DD2 could NOT GET ALONG. I told them this is the most different they will ever be. As soon as DD2 hit teen years, they had so much to share and could understand one another. Now they are the best of friends

Totally normal behaviour. Many sisters fight like cats and dogs and then when they become adults become very close. I would try to keep an eye on the lead up to fights, are there any triggers you can diffuse e.g. does one display certain signs when getting annoyed so you can step in before it's a fight.

Rubbish.
My 2 sons, full brothers have had plenty of agro over the years.
Older , don't know about wiser now and oldest moved out , they now tolerate and even the odd chat when together.
Op, I feel for you very much , sorry don't have the answer though.

That is a tricky age gap so the 11yo will be annoying to the 13yo, who will think she knows everything and is super cool.

my identical twins have an older sister and the larger age gap has worked for us. I would say, when twins argue particularly badly we brought rules in.

1. You give space when asked for it - respectfully
2. you use kind words even when angry -we never say hate or idiot
3. we can be cross with each other but never get physical - assault is not acceptable

I doubt it, me and my sister used to beat the crap out of each other as teens

My dds are a little younger but fight equally as much they are awful to each other.

I find the only thing that helps my dds is enforced outdoors time
At least that way they can both bicker about me forcing them on a dog walk and have a common enemy.

We have even started packing up dinners to eat in the van then go for a walk after.

The worse they get the more time we spend outdoors that week and it does seem to help them get along better although it's bloody freezing this time of year

I was HORRIBLE to my sister as a teenager (2 year age gap). She and I fought a lot.

We get on great now and love each other deeply, although do bicker still!

This was my older brother and me. We got on great when just the 2 of us but 4 years after me, my sister was born. That's when my relationship with my bother collapsed.
Him being the only boy my mother treated him like a God. He was never blamed for anything which just pushed us further apart. We tended to just ignore each other as we got older. 60 years on we communicate occasionally by text, informing that an elderly uncle/aunt has died, but we are not close.
Probably best for your DD and DSD steer clear of each other, one day they might put it all aside and become.friends

As much as you are 'mum' to DSD, she'll be aware that you're not actually her mum. Your DD gets to live with both her parents, all the time. DSD obviously doesn't have a great relationship with her mum, for whatever reason, and this will be distressing for her. Add puberty into the mix and she's probably all over the place.

It sounds like you're doing everything you can. Spend time with the both separately as much as possible and encourage them to go to their rooms when things get fraught.

Oh - and I have two DSs who are three years apart. They generally get on well, but the most difficult ages so far was when DS1 outgrew the games they used to play together and wanted to spend more time alone in his room. DS2 was gutted. Things have eased again as DS2 has also matured a bit.