Older children’s behaviour & how to address?!

[Mummyoftwoplus]

I’ve recently become a mum of 3. My baby is 7 weeks old.
We have two older children 6, almost 7 and 4. They’re both doing well in school, clever, well behaved and polite, have lots of friends.
They have a good life - days out, nice toys & happy home life.

My eldest has always been a laid back child, easy going and kind to us, although sometimes quite wild, but always thought it was part of his nice character.

My middle child has always been feisty, but again part of their character. Struggled with tantrums but nothing unusual given the age.

since having the baby, my middle child’s behaviour escalated with tantrums and the way they spoke to us, but I knew it was because of the baby, as it was a big change. My eldest dealt with the new baby fine, and is a very caring sibling.

This week, their behaviour has taken a turn for the worse, they are so out of control. Speaking to us like crap, telling us to shut up, eldest winding up the middle child, screaming, fighting constantly, trashing the house. They are just unbearable. Won’t listen, brush teeth, wash, get dressed! Just making life hard in general.

We have tried taking things from them, they don’t seem to care. We’ve minimised screen time even more than it already is. Made sure they’re in bed on time, nothing seems to work!!

Im just looking for some suggestions on how to sort out their behaviour. On the whole they’re ok, it’s just recently they’ve changed with the attitudes!

I raise my voice, doesn’t seem to do anything and I’m not a shouter as I don’t feel it helps anything!

Thank you!

You ride it out as you know exactly why this has happened. They are testing boundaries because they are put out that your attention is on another child who currently has zero value to them aside from competition.

Probably Christmas has been a bit chaotic, and they've realised that baby is here to stay.

I think I would ease off punishment as much as possible. Obviously she needs to be told that hurting her sibling isn't on, and the way she speaks to you as well.
I would try and find time to spend some one-on-one time with her.

Definitely Christmas hasn’t helped! lack of routine with being off school etc.
We’ve done lots of one on one with them both, each doing something special with them so they know they’re both still very important, but god they’re hard work at the moment!
Spent ages over Xmas building Lego, doing all the things they enjoy but it never seems enough! Hopefully they’ll chill out again soon!

They need more time with you and more down time. They need patience, understanding, calm parents, put their emotional needs first, so if they’re refusing to brushing their teeth, give them a few minutes, give them a cuddle and then brush their teeth - you maybe late for school but that’s OK, it’s short term At the moment their so dysregulated that they need you to coregualte them. Divide and conquer, don’t try and brush their teeth at the same time so they can’t bounce off each other. More praise, I love you and random cuddles. If they do misbehave consider time in rather than time out.

Remember they’re having a hard time rather than they’re trying to give you a hard time. It will get better.

For me whenever we got into these occasional behaviour spirals the key thing was switching somehow from negative response to bad behaviour, to positive response to good. Sometimes I had to be really determined to find and praise a tiny good behaviour! But if you can find and effusively praise the good thing and say something like "I'm glad your behaviour is back to lovely today" or even "I'm impressed you are working hard to behave better today" it seems to help flip it back to the more usual behaviour again. Feels very hard to find that positive thing when you really want to tear your hair out and yell wtf are you doing! (Obviously never would).

Thank you!! Will try some different techniques and approaches!! ❤️

I came here because I am also having a very similar issue with my ds. He has just turned 5 and we welcomed a baby in May just gone. Prior to baby’s arrival he was our angel child, so fun to be with. Summer was hard but we put it down to the new arrival. He started school in sept and has done amazing, good as gold. But at home, completely different. We are at our wits end, he was spoilt over Xmas and bday (as always) but is acting so ungrateful and bratty now saying things like ‘if you had got me xxx I’d be better behaved’, he is wild out in public, kicking shelves in shops, running around screaming etc. we have also tried early bedtimes, minimising screen time, running about outdoors to burn energy off etc nothing is helping.

I hope this makes you feel less alone! And I will also take note of advice already given! We are trying to ‘ride it out’ but my god it’s hard, and worst of all, just makes you not want to be around them 😔 sending strength to us all!