How do you give attention to older child with a newborn around?

[tornmama]

I realise this is 101 of being a mum to more than 1 child but I just can’t hack it.
My older baby is 3yrs old. I’m a SAHM and I’ve spent all my time with her, we’ve been on some amazing days out and trips as a 2, every day we’d basically do whatever we fancied. Now I’ve had a baby and, although I try to make time for 1 on 1 activities with her, it breaks my heart that 90% of her “can we play, mum?” Is met with “sure, once I’ve fed your brother” and then at times (more often than not recently) even after I’ve fed her brother / changed his nappy the playing won’t happen because he’s either cluster feeding and it’s her bedtime / dinner time after, or he won’t settle, or it’s now too dark to go outside because the feed took longer than planned…
My husband is very supportive and offers to stay with the newborn or give him a bottle in the evening whilst I have some 1 on 1 time with my daughter, and we do, but realistically I don’t want to leave a newborn without mum. He also cluster feeds in the evening so I feel like it’s best for my supply if I breastfeed in the evenings.
She also loves to spend time with her brother so when I offer to leave newborn with dad for bedtime she’ll say that no, she wants her baby brother with us in the room, but then sounds really sad about not getting a cuddle as I’m holding the newborn. The newborn is refusing to be put down in his cot so if he’s joining us for bedtime he’s on me.
Im so torn. Want to give 100% of my attention to each child.

It's really tough, but it does get easier. I've got a similar age gap between my two and things that worked for me were getting my eldest involved - asking him to help out with little tasks like fetching wipes or a nappy really seemed to make him feel involved and bond with his brother. He also started pre-school shortly after his brother arrived - is that something you would consider? He went for three hours every morning and it meant he always had time to do his own thing and play with other kids and he loved it. Once my youngest was a few months old that's when we did our baby groups too. I also have very fond memories of the afternoons we'd cuddle up on the sofa and watch a movie whilst the baby cluster fed. Or we'd bring a pile of books to the sofa and look at them whilst baby cluster fed. Or we'd bring the duplo box into the living room and I'd try to take part whilst baby cluster fed. You see the theme developing? It is tough, but you will get through it and it will get easier to have quality time with your eldest and both kids will really benefit from having a sibling too.

Is DH home when it’s DD’s bedtime? I used to feed DC2, get DH to take DC2 out for a walk or a drive depending on the weather and have a nice peaceful bedtime with DC1. Then when DC2 wakes up you can carry on with the feeding?

There are a few things you might be able to do with DC1 whilst BFing? How about setting up some playdoh? Like most 3 years olds though, it will only probably keep her entertained for 10 minutes .

Do you have a nice stretchy wrap too? I found that DC2 didn’t like being put down but having them in a wrap freed up my hands to do a bit more with DC1.

You might find this article on juggling a newborn and a toddler helpful and congratulations on your new LO

My best advice is to put the baby down. If she wants to do something together, the nappy change can wait 5 mins. That, and get her involved. Get her to pass you the wipes, take the lid off the cream, hold the nappy bag open like a net. You can make most things into a game.

We used to play hide and seek with the baby 😊

3yo hides and me and baby look for them. Then baby “hides” (in their cot or their bouncy chair or with dad) and me and 3 year old look for them.

I’m not usually a SAHM but I’m really struggling with this on days that my 3 year old is home from nursery. The last few weeks baby has been refluxy and screams every time I put her down and my 3 year old refuses to play independently for longer than a few minutes. Watching for any further tips.

I know it's always said but slings! Slings are your friend! Also church toddler groups with nice volunteers who will hold the baby.

Is the 3 year old at home with you all the time? I know its counter intuitive maybe but could you get her into preschool part time so you have a bit of a chance to catch your breath? Then it might be easier when you do have them together. I also just leant into DH being with the older one more to begin with and it was absolutely fine, once baby is older you can switch more.

You've got this!

Slings. Games you can do with one hand while supporting with the other. Getting them involved
re cuddles I had newborn and 3yo on my knee at the same time sort of folded together and they still do it two years later!