3 year old aggressive

[FJR1008]

My 3.5 year old has a really aggressive streak, which I thought he would of outgrown but unfortunately hasn't. When we go to soft play, he will often push/shove/hit the other kids, with gritted teeth and in full aggression mode. He doesn't particularly like other children, and I dont know how to deal with it.

We have tried the 'we will leave if you do it again', doesn't work. We have tried removing him to help him calm down, doesn't work. We have tried talking to him, doesn't work. I don't want him to become a bully but today I turned my back for 2 minutes and another parent was shouting at him for pushing their child. Please help!

What happens if you actually follow through and leave?
What are you saying when you’re talking to him about it?

Is there somewhere that he is seeing aggression?

Never issue an empty threat! Befire he starts playing, Tell him that if he pushes/hurts someone he will have to go home and make sure that happens. Keep reminding him "kind hands" and every few minutes, say "well done, you have kind hands" while he is playing.

If he doesn't like big groups of children that he doesn't know, then as a first step, stop going to softplay. Avoid places that trigger this behaviour.

Work on socialising him in small groups or one-on-one and in calmer, more structured settings. Watch him closely and see if you can pick-up on his triggers. Once you know his triggers you can start to help him manage them better. Step in when you see it starting to build rather than when it's too late. Have a routine to help him calm down, something that you guide initially but that he will be able to do by himself as he gets older (e.g. count to ten or think of something that makes you happy).

Most of this he will just grow out of. He will develop better emotional regulation as he gets older. In the meantime, avoid places that he can't cope with. Start building language and habits that will help him control his temper.

I have seen a number of dc like this locally at this age and they are all now teens. With consistent clear boundaries you can stop them if no underlying issues / SEND. One who was a nightmare with this at this age is now a delight!

Things that seemed to work from what I saw - marking the child constantly (never be more than an arm’s length away) so intervening can happen early and really consistently. A one strike and out rule. “You hit we go home”. Kind hands and praise when achieved as pp says.

Keep a trigger list - is it only in over crowded spaces, is sharing a trigger. Is it certain children? Try to get to the bottom of causes.

When you say he doesn’t like other dc have you done the MCHAT checklist on him? Worth checking for signs of Autism as overwhelm with other dc can be part of that.

How is his speech? Can he communicate his needs clearly to tell you what triggers are?