4 year old who doesn’t like going to school

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Just looking for some words of wisdom / support / advice…

4 year old just doesn’t want to go to school, she would rather stay home with mummy. I find this absolutely heartbreaking. It’s been a very difficult term as obviously she only started in September, and it’s been painful.

Previously attended preschool and nursery, with definite up and downs in terms of wanting to go, kept hoping it would get easier / better, but it is incredibly difficult.

From the moment she wakes she will say she doesn’t want to go in. I’ll add that she is absolutely fine once there, enjoys it, has friends etc. but almost every morning is a battle, and it’s draining and emotionally difficult. Sometimes she is ok, but obviously after the Christmas holiday I feel she’s back to square one…

Is this ever going to get better? I know nothing is forever. The school have been amazingly helpful. She is end of July born so she’s younger, but not the youngest and others younger are fine and no issues like we have.

She also hates specific clothing items (like seams on tights etc), but this presents difficulties too.

H won’t entertain reducing her days or anything like that, I’ve even considered home schooling but just wouldn’t / couldn’t work for us.

How can I help her? How can I help myself cope with this? Is anyone else going through this, or been there?

Does she feel ‘fine’ in school or does she appear fine? Can she pin point any physical places or times in school she finds difficult?

Are school allowing uniform adjustments?
I would ask for a meeting with the class teacher and SENCO, raise all your concerns and tell them you’re concerned about ESBNA - see if the LEA has an ESBNA tool kit and read that first.

Is she a summer born child?

Sometimes we need to be fair, understanding but firm. Eg appreciate she loves being with mummy but remind her that she’s big and goes to school and mummy works/has things to do. Don’t give in because that makes a rod for your back in the future. We have to be the parents here.

advice given to me was to set firm reasonable boundaries and stick to them, going to school is one of those things, end of. I have an autistic dd diagnosed at 2 so we were given this advice very young and it proved invaluable across all parenting (and in many ways I’m a lax parent, I’m certainly not strict but we have things that are important and we do. End of)

I followed all that advice and now I have a child who is in autistic burn out and is quiet unwell. OP child may or may not have an additional needs but at the moment is sounds like no adjustments are being put in place for her child and this may have a negative emotional impact on her child.

It's a leap but sensory issues like not coping with seams could suggest ASD - just a thought, especially if you have neurodiversity on either side of the family. Struggling with transitions is also common.

One of mine turned out to have ASD although we didn't know at this age, but he found school a lot when he first started. What i did for a while was bring him home at lunch time, breaking the day into two shorter chunks, really, really helped him. School weren't hugely keen on the idea bit it made a big difference to his happiness and his ability to cope.

The other thing i would do is talk really positively about school in any way you can. Remind her repeatedly of anything she enjoyed, tell her how proud you are of her and if her teacher says anything good keep reminding her that her teacher was really pleased with her too. Just to try to get her thinking more positively about it. I would also look to be having anyone she likes round for tea and a birthday party when it's her birthday as having friends makes going to school much nicer! You can then also remind her that her friends are there waiting for her.

Has school put anything in place to make the transition easier - her arriving a little earlier, her having a special job to do as soon as she gets there or anything like that? That might help. You could also try a hanky with your perfume on - although there is the possibility of that becoming a distraction rather than a help so it depends on the child.

We had a horrendous Reception year with youngest DS (suspected neurodivergence of some kind), crying at dropoffs etc. Nursery had been up and down. He's now Year 1 and is fine with school. We have a very predictable morning routine with no surprises and plenty of time (DS gets anxious when rushed). But fundamentally I think he just matured a lot in the summer between YR and Y1.

Does she settle once she's there? If so then I think reducing hours would be counterproductive at this stage. For us it wasn't an option as we need both our salaries so no one could be at home with DS and we were concerned it would be the start of a slippery slope to full-on school refusal (as happened with my nephew).

Good that school are supportive, keep working with them to try different things. They will have seen lots of kids with anxiety and school avoidance and will have plenty of things they can try. The school should allow reasonable adjustments on uniform as well - several kids at my DCs school wear PE kit every day for sensory reasons. If she hates tights, can she wear trousers?

When things were tough DH and I used to take it in turns to do dropoffs just to give each other a break, are you able to do that?

Does she need to go in? If you’re in England I’m not sure how it works but we’re Scottish and my son won’t be starting until he’s almost 6. 4 is so little. Can you keep her at home/nursery a while longer?

Keep her home for an extra year.
Listen to her.

I agree with @user1492757084
Is there any way you could keep her home for an extra year? Four is so young and she may just not be ready for full-time school yet.

Reception was awful for my DS and I do wish now that he hadn’t had to go through that. DS is September born, but had he been born in August things would have been even worse I think.

By the way, it is a good thing that she’d rather be at home with you - that’s how it should be.

My nearly 7yo is like this. Enjoys it once there it seems, doing well, friends, glowing reports from teachers. She would just rather not go every morning and if school is ever cancelled she’s delighted. It’s tough and now someone has told her about homeschooling! So she keeps asking about that 🤦‍♀️

She started at 5.5 too (Scotland).

She’s very young to be in school full time. I would be looking into reducing hours/deferring and homeschooling for now.

We have this with our youngest. I'm almost certain she's neurotypical too but she is shy. Her autistic sibling actually loves school! We are talking positively about school. We did worry aboutbher socially but I observed her at a birthday party and she was confident and chatty with her favourite kids so I think she just prefers home.

Thank you all.

@Clutterbug2026she appears absolutely fine in school, and has made friends. She really doesn’t like being outside due to the cold at the moment, I am doing all I can to help her with that - she has scarf, gloves, hat, thermal underlayers too. I think I probably need to speak to school again, and will look at ESBNA as you mentioned. Yes she is summer born.

@Allout123I have suspected she may have some sort of ASD, due to a range of little things… I think a few play dates might also be positive for her. Thank you for your suggestions, that’s helpful. I feel a bit burnt out myself from the emotion of it at the moment, but I know I need to maintain my positivity else she will just pick up on it. … I know the teacher has given her special jobs to help with but I don’t know if she still has that.

@ImFineItsAllFine thank you - I think having plenty of time is also key here actually, she hates being rushed and so do I actually. But it’s so slow in the morning we are often late! Good to hear of improvement for you with DS though, it gives me hope. Yes she does settle once there, in fact a lot of the time it’s the worst before leaving the house, but at times she has refused to get out the car. This is only for me though, for DH she’s generally fine. He does take her at difficult times which makes it slightly easier for me. I will see if I can get her in trousers, it’s a gamble if she’ll wear them as she’s so picky about all clothing now, but worth a try!

We are one year in the future of you, and in our case it has got better, he even said that he likes school which is unbelievable when I think back to two years ago in nursery.
My advice would be to make bast friends with your senco and teacher, talk to them every day if needs be. Even things like "we got home and he lay on the floor and refused to do anything for an hour" are useful information for the school (generally he is "fine at school/nursery/childminder")
From that school have got a better handle on what helps and put on reasonable adjustments, which have really helped.
Diagnosis is in the future, the list is long, but school can and should meet the child's needs regardless of diagnosis or ehcp. But communication is everything, if you keep quiet school only put in place what they see, but if they have the whole picture then you can work together.
In our case it's got better, but you do have to listen to your child. School ultimately are legally obliged to get children physically in school, but your obligations are wider than that. You can arrange a part time timetable for a limited or indefinite period of time if you think it would help.

There will also be support from the LA, they should have support groups and you should be able to make appointments for a chat with an educational psychologist and other professionals. Don't struggle along on your own
Good luck, it's hard work but you get used to it.

@johnd2thank you. This morning has been worse than ever, as she was expecting to have the day off because of the snow.. but no, schools are open, and husband said she had to go in.. I appreciate your reply, it gives me some hope, and I think I do need to speak to school again.

Unfortunately part of the issue here I have realised is that my husband has zero tolerance for her, just thinks she is being difficult, and that it’s my fault for “mollycoddling” her. The issues with him as mentioned are another post / separate issue, but feed into this. It makes it feel impossible to parent with him at the moment.

I would also consider asd with what you've said.

From your updates a couple of things jumped out - if you are often late for school, how late are you? Is she missing the normal process of going in with her classmates? If so (and I know it's really hard) you need to try and get her there at the same time as everyone else so she sees everyone going in with less fuss. We had to get up really stupidly early for a while and then we ended up being the first people at the school gates. But I think it really helped.

The other thing is obviously you not being on the same page as your DH. I think agreeing your 'non-negotiables' is imprtant. Then beyond that it is ok to have different parenting approaches.

For us on school mornings the non negotiables for DS2 are:

Must go to school
Must go in on time (we had to be hardline on this as DS1 has ASD and gets very distressed by lateness)
Must wear seabelt in car
Good road safety between car and school

DS2 knows those things are going to happen. Anything else he is struggling with, we do our best to accommodate/work around.

Add I agree with @johnd2 , every time you've had a shit morning getting her in or a shit evening after school, mention it to the teacher. It helps them build up an evidence base for applying for more support in the future if needed.

Thank you, we aren’t hugely late, not late enough to miss the register other than once. She actually prefers being late as she (a) goes in a different door, that is quieter maybe, and (b) goes straight to the classroom and doesn’t have to go outside first. I can understand both those things, and on a bad day by telling her she can go in the other door makes her better. If we were early she could do that too, but I have no idea how we would ever get there early.

Ah OK, in that case later sounds like it's working better for you so just ignore me 😊

My aunt had this with her son. He basically had a fear of missing out on fun at home so she would tell him she was outside the school in the car all day and that if he needed her, he could come out and sit in the car with her for the day too. I think he tried it once, hated sitting in the car for hours and happily skipped into school believing his mum was outside waiting all day from then on.

My son sounds very similar. He is 4, started school in Sept, recently diagnosed ASD (we suspect ADHD also/ on the waiting list, awaiting EHCP) and some of the behaviours / preferences you've mentioned resonate.

Can you get an agreement in place with the school that she can always go in slightly later than the typical time and always go through the quieter door? If she knows that's what will always happen, having that expectation and surety might ease any anxiety she might have on this specific aspect? I have this arrangement in place for my son and he's so much better for it. I also pick him up slightly earlier (10 mins) to avoid the rush out the door at the end of the day too. It's a reasonable adjustment so they should accommodate.

Also, have you tried seamless tights? Most supermarkets sell them I've found - not an issue for my son but I personally hate seams on tights too and always have done.

In terms of her not liking being rushed etc, my son is also similar. He really drags his feet getting ready because he doesn't want to go to school but he also struggles a lot with working memory and following instructions is hard for him. I found if I was saying things like 'hurry up' or 'we're late' it would make it worse, so I've really had to change the way I communicate with him. I use a lot of visuals to help him remember what he needs to do, simplify my language when I'm making requests so he understands better and use of 'now' and 'next' statements / visuals board.

If a different door helps then make it official, it can be a reasonable adjustment.
Last year our senco was running a nurture group in the morning so all the children who needed it could have registration elsewhere away from the bustle. But our son had on his ep report a suggestion to go in 5 minutes early or late and sit in the reading corner, in the end the teacher found a slightly different solution.
But you have to notice what works be observant and turn it into a reasonable adjustment.
I know of a child who arrived at school 5 minutes after first lesson started, was dropped off to a named ta and taken to class then the reverse at the end of the day. Any change eg a different ta and they would refuse and end up having the whole day off, whereas that way they only missed 10 minutes of the day. You just have to be imaginative as does the school.

In our case the solution for now is allowing ridiculous time for everything, alarm is set for 7am and the only tasks are getting dressed, cleaning teeth, having breakfast and walking to school. Keep an eye out for which transitions are hard and go big on the time. For us we have 15 minutes to put shoes and coat on and walk out the door(!) and 35 minutes to walk a bit more than half a mile. But it works and it's consistent.

Just tell her all children have to go, otherwise mummy and daddy will get into trouble. Dont even mention home schooling.

I would keep sending her Definitely look at different school uniform, she might prefer leggings or trousers

I had one that would get on the bus howling and I’d ring up about 8.45 and they’d be fine, chatting away to staff or friends

I was a howler going into school for the first year My parents were at a lose as to why, because I had friends, was doing well and years later I could tell them it was the toilets, after reception the toilets were different ones and the problem stopped So it could be something similar but she can’t verbalise it