Angry 7yo hitting little sister when she sings

[Glitterbounce]

DS has just turned 7 and for the past few months has been getting angrier and angrier when DD (4) sings. This Christmas, he's been getting worse and kicks off when she sings or hums to herself. I'm talking he'll start shouting at her to shut up then starts hitting her. Today was awful as we were walking home from school and she was humming and he kicked her in the shin, screamed and then ran off across the road. I had the pram with me for DD who is 2 months old so couldn't run after him but told him very firmly he must not run off across the road without me matter what.

Every time he has one of these meltdowns over her singing, or sometimes even talking, and tries to lash out, we ask him to go to his room to calm down, but he just says he doesn't want to so we remove him before he can hit her. We always explain very firmly he can't hit her, it's not kind and take any privileges like Minecraft time. He say he tries not to hit her but the singing annoys him and he can't help himself.

since starting y2 he's just become ruder and ruder at home too and mainly picks on DD who started reception. Things like telling her her reading "sucks" her maths is rubbish etc. he calls us idiots. I don't know where this is coming from.

we've told him and dd that it's her home too and she can sing if she likes and her reading and maths are great.

we praise him with his reading maths all the time too (obvs no praise when he is rude or hits) so it's not as if we are not positive with him.

dh and I try and take turns to spend one to one time with thEm but it has not been easy with baby but we still make an effort.

his rudeness and meanness, particularly towards dd is really getting me down. DS has told me I'm always angry and never nice to him but I have to be firm when he hits, I can't let it slide. How do I fix this? It's like the message is not getting through.

What do you think is causing DS's behaviour? What does he say when you ask him?

Do you think he has a real aversion to the singing/humming? If so, ear defenders are potentially a solution. Does he show any outer sensitivity to sound? Or other sensory issues?

He needs help to manage his emotions. Is he remorseful afterwards when he's calmed down? Work out a system for him to manage his feelings, do it when he's calm and ready to engage. Keep it simple and something that can be replicated anywhere (as much as possible). Then help him to put this into practise when you see the first signs of annoyance/temper.

Continue to keep a zero tolerance policy for any violence. Keep punishment as natural and as immediate as possible.

I would buy him ear defenders (is he too young for loop earbuds?) and tell him to put those on when he feels frustrated with any noises.

I’d also get some books out the library about managing feelings. And ask for a meeting with his teacher to see if anything’s going on at school.

Thanks @NuffSaidSam and @PineappleMelon we have ear defenders which we have given him to use when she sings but he says they don't block out the sound and he just chucks them to one side anyway.

He doesn't like lots of noise/loud environments e.g he doesn't like the school disco. He is also a massive sensory seeker and will often put things/his fingers etc in his mouth. The irony is he's as loud as a foghorn and talks constantly.

we talk a lot about managing feelings at home and read books on fwelinga, and they do a lot of zones of regulation at school but this aversion to his sister feels too much. He is not at all sorry he hits her and feels justified because she was annoying him. We talk this through with him every time about how it makes her upset, and how he wouldn't like it if someone hit him etc but it just doesn't seem to sink in.

I don't want DD to feel like she has to adjust her behaviour to suit him. She sings/hums quietly whereas he is like a foghorn both at home and outside and we've had several chats about volume.

I've had a chat with him tonight and said he cannot hit an if he doesn't like the singing he needs to take a deep breath and count to 10 when he feels like lashing out to calm down. are there any other strategies ? In terms of consequences I said no tv after school today and I've told him if he keeps hitting he won't get to play Minecraft again.

ideally, I'd prefer it if they were both quiet and didn't make noise when we are walking to/from anywhere as tonight it drew a bit of attention to us with this man on the street trying to chat to us when it was kicking off, and he was making comments about DD. He meant well but we live in a busy city and built up area, and I've experienced someone trying to push my pram in daylight on this stretch of road before so I just want to keep my head down and walk home without drawing too much attention.

I would take DS for a visual test. It is possible that he experiences sensory overload and would benefit from coloured glasses. Specsavers will do the test for over 7 yr olds. If they work the glasses can be like magic.

It sounds like he's potentially ND. Have any concerns been raised at school/by anyone else? He's potentially masking all day at school and then letting rip at home .

I would try offering the ear defenders consistently. For example, every day when he comes out of school offer the ear defenders. If he says no then remind him that DD is likely to hum/sing and if he is rude to her or hurts her he won't be having TV time when he gets home. Offer the ear defenders again. If he says no again then go with it. If it then leads to rudeness/violence on the way home, follow through with the punishment. Remind him again about the ear defenders 'maybe tomorrow you can wear the ear defenders on the way home'. And on and on. It may take some time, just being calm and consistent before he realises. The lack of guilt and insight into what he's done makes this much harder.

If he's a sensory seeker it may also help to provide him with some sensory toys to aid regulation.

I would make a calm down bottle/jar for each of them (with them) and see if that works. Some sensory seeking children love them, others not so much, but worth a try.