Feeling so low after birth of second baby

[aftermidnightz]

I have recently had DC2, I have a toddler who is 20 months. During the birth of DC2 I have suffered a birth injury that has left me temporarily with a urostomy bag.

I feel so so low. I have spent 2 weeks in hospital and was discharged at the weekend. Initially I was so focussed on getting home that it was a relief but now I’m struggling with my feelings. I knew 2 under 2 would be tough but with getting used to my bag it’s 1 million times harder.

Im struggling physically to do much. I’ve overdone it today and I’m in pain. My toddler is acting up. We tried to do a family trip to soft play to wear him out and he screamed so much that we left. My baby is quite easy but I can’t enjoy him. Thinking about the birth or anything related to it makes me hyperventilate. I can’t stop crying. I’m not sure how I will cope and I’m constantly worried about infection, convinced I’m going to die. If I ever feel happy it’s overshadowed by the fear of infection and ending up back in hospital or dead.

My midwife has referred me to the mental health team but they haven’t contacted me yet. I’m not sure what I really want from this thread but I need to let it out somewhere.

Oh bless you. I hope you will get better soon and take all the help you can get for now. I've no useful advice but wanted to let you know I'm thinking positive thoughts for you x

If thoughts of the birth give you physical symptoms, you may have PTSD or similar. So feeling low is completely normal. I’m really glad you’ve been referred and hopefully you’ll get some effective help soon.

For now, lower your expectations for you and your toddler. It’s a lot of change, it will take time.

Thank you the wait for the mental health team to get in touch is agony. Everyone I speak to is mostly just horrified that I’ve ended up like this and that makes me feel 10x worse, that everyone feels pity for me. My DH is trying to help and doing a good job practically. My family seem to think I’m ‘fixed’ now I’m home but I will need more surgery.

It Might be better for your husband to take your toddler out to wear him out without you so you can rest more? Can you draw on any other family support?

That sounds too tough, OP. You shouldn't have to deal with so much. You are recovering from quite a serious medical issue, so someone else needs to take over caring for the children for a while.

Can you ask a trusted family member to come and stay for a couple of days, then get your partner to take over at the weekend. If you can afford it you could hire a nanny for a short term booking. If this is not possible, do consider a mother's help for a few hours a day. They are not trained nannies, but they could play with your toddler, help you with shopping and cleaning etc. If you have no one nearby who can help, and no money, call Home-Start which is a charity (I think) that places experienced volunteers with new mums who are struggling for whatever reason. Given you have two children, a physical and a mental health issue, you should be high priority. The volunteer comes once or twice a week, I think, and helps with things like shopping, trips to the park - anything where a second pair of hands makes life easier.

Are you looking after yourself physically - eating well etc? Local churches sometimes offer a food rota. If you are not connected to one, maybe spend some money on having Cook frozen but fresh home-style cooking delivered.

When DS2 was born with numerous illnesses, I had chronic sleep deprivation which led to severe PND and no help from family. With hindsight, I honestly would insist on remortgaging to afford a nanny to take some of the pressure off me. It's too easy when babies are born to put ourselves last, and sadly, even good partners are useless and clueless when it comes to giving sufficient and appropriate support. You and your health, both physical and mental, are so important. Put yourself and your healing first above all else, in order to get well enough to parent for the next two decades!

Do you have any friends who are practical and will listen to what you need. Like “Fran, I just need a shoulder to cry on right now, but everyone is horrified by the details and I feel awful about that so if you feel like making a joke or hand-waving it away, go ahead”.

People don’t talk enough about birth injury so finding women who can and do is important. There will be communities, maybe online.

https://www.birthtraumaassociation.org/what-is-birth-trauma

Also, I know this sounds daft, but do take vitamin B complex, Magnesium, herbal iron supplements (not the awful NHS ones that cause constipation, but the tiny granules in a capsule made by Feroglobin, or Floradix liquid iron) and vitamin D. You have just had a baby, you are dealing with birth injury and you may be very depleted in these key nutrients, which can really impact on mood.

My iron is low as I also had a haemorrhage, I have been having daily blood tests and it’s around 80 currently. Think it’s adjusting to the whole experience that was so totally different to what I expected or imagined.

My toddler goes to nursery 3x per week which helps. We usually have MIL to help but she’s on holiday currently.