Deciding on a second child

[noramoo]

Hi,

As the title suggests, I am really struggling with the decision of whether to have another child at the moment. Everyone around me is saying "you'll know when the time is right" but I just don't think I will, and can't wait for this "moment" endlessly.

Some background: my DD is 20 months old and is a wonderful toddler. Pretty much as "easy" as a toddler can be - minimal tantrums, eats well, sleeps well, fun to be around, very verbal. Of course there are challenges but these feel manageable. However, she was a VERY high needs infant up to age 12/13 months. Cried constantly, struggled to feed (I had a traumatic experience with BF), slept very poorly, hated pram, car and classes so couldn't leave the house without it turning to chaos which made me super isolated. My mental health plummeted and I don't even like to think about those times. She was born via C-section after a difficult pregnancy so this was also quite tough. I am relatively young and had no issues conceiving.

In all honesty, I am terrified at the idea of going through that stage again, or possibly worse with a toddler to think of too. I am feeling like myself at last, and have time for both my family and the things that make me happy on a personal level (doing yoga, seeing friends etc). In terms of childcare, my lovely DM looks after DD twice a week whilst I work, and I look after DD the rest of the time. My DH is very hands on. This works well for everyone - I feel it would be unfair to ask my DM to look after 2 kids (even though she says she wouldn't mind) so there would be a childcare issue to solve.

Both me and DH are only children and neither of us were bothered by this growing up. Perhaps some times where we were bored but overall happy enough. We do both however feel some pressure now as adults and our parents are getting older. My DH would ideally like us to have a second, but has also said he is 100% happy with whatever I choose and is content with our family. This is obviously great, but does leave me feeling a bit burdened by the weight of the decision. So as not to drip feed, we also take an annual trip to East Asia to visit DH family and although not a major factor, there is the cost and practicality of this to consider.

Apologies for the long post. I am just going in circles and would love to hear some stories from others who are in/have been through the same. We would ideally like a 3/3.5 year gap if we do go ahead.

Thanks so much for reading.

Personally speaking if you will have issues with adding the 2ns think very carefully. It is so much more work than I imagined and as an only child I have very limited help and a tiny family circle of just us and my mum basically.

Just to give you some positivity although I know everyone is different, my second is 8 weeks old, my oldest is 21 months, and my first baby was quite high needs, contact napped always, hated sleep, needed a lot of entertaining, couldn’t be put down, had some issues feeding. My second baby could not be more different already, everybody told me you don’t get two the same and I didn’t believe them but it is so true for me so there is no guarantee you would have the same again x

If you are young I'd go for a 3 and a half year plus gap. Waiting until the older one is in school maybe. It's only anecdotal but myself and many friends found no 2 much easier. Even if no 1 had been tricky as a baby. I also had an elective section second time and that was really calm.
Whatever you decide to do is fine though. Lots of people have one child only these days.

I felt the same as you, so we have decided not to have another. The first year of my son’s life was the hardest of mine, and I don’t want to put myself through it again or put my son through me feeling that way either.

We did go through a phase when he was 2 of thinking we would just power through hell and have a second. We would have aimed for a 3/3.5 year age gap. But when it came time to try, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I vehemently didn’t want to and was relieved the test was negative. So we decided to take it off the table until I felt ready, and that time has never come. The idea of going back to babyhood is awful to me, now we have a much more engaging and lovely child and a bit of freedom on the horizon when he starts school.

He’s 4 now so I can’t speak to long term regret but we are focusing on all the amazing things we can do with one that we wouldn’t with two. A 3 year age gap makes things more manageable I expect, but it does also mean resetting the clock on some experiences or doing them at times that aren’t ideal for either child.

How having a baby affected your mental health really resonates with me OP.

I miscarried my second, planned, pregnancy when DS was 2. Thinking about it once he was 4+ I think it wasn't a bad thing as I'm not sure how I would have coped with 2.

The pressure you're feeling to help with your parents now is something you can avoid for your DD by the decisions you and your DH make.

Our DS is 12 now and I strongly feel that sticking at 1 was the right decision for us.

Lots of people struggle with this decision, more than you think. Leave it for another year I think.

Second babies can be easier but they can also be harder. My DH's younger sibling was an absolute terror who didn't sleep for 2 years.

Personally, I really want a second child but not a second baby 😆 as our experience was similar to yours (and a horrific disabling pregnancy to). If someone could deliver a 1 year old to me, I'd have 5 more.

They are babies and children for a short time. What family do you envisage in 10 20 30 years .

why do you need to decide now . Everything gets much easier when they go to school / pre school . A 4 year age gap would make things much easier and is very common for this reason

Thanks for the replies so far - it's reassuring to read this is common. As a PP said, if I could pop out an 18 month old I would probably go for it. I know the baby stage is short relative to a lifetime, but it just feels daunting now we are finally out the woods. There is the fine balance of allowing enough time for it to feel more manageable, and not wanting to reset the clock too late with too large of an age gap. This has come to a head recently for me as 3 out of 8 mums from my NCT group are now pregnant!

I have exactly 2 years between my two children and although the first 4 months were hell on earth, it's much better now that baby is 8 months and toddler is approaching 3.

My first was a lot like yours and I expected the same this time around, but he's totally different. Very chilled. Obviously there are no guarantees but I'm glad I got the "difficult" baby first!

My mum left it 7 years between me and my younger brother and I think she had a harder time. I think she expected a 7 year old to be more mature and helpful but I was not.

I do think it's a mind over matter thing though and you kind of have to "resign" yourself to things being difficult for a couple of years.

I went for the second . You go in with your eyes open this time and it’s a choice you face into . You’re an experienced mum and you know how to manage better than the 1st . You can get ahead of all of it and when you’re up at 2am you know it doesn’t last forever. You can build your support network and you won’t let breastfeeding dictate your happiness again. Highly recommend a bigger gap. You can do it if it’s what you want .

If you're happy as you are why change things? As you're still young I would leave it and see if you develop a greater desire for another child further down the line.

If your young give yourself time! I just had my second (& third - we ended up with twins!) with a two year old and it is madness. However I always knew I wanted more children even with the mad baby stage so it wasn’t a question, I’m also not the youngest so felt the need to go for it now.
You have plenty of time to decide, so don’t let the pressure if what others are doing make you decide now. Just wait and see and time will likely decide for you or you’ll know!