Newborn trenches advice - I am pretty desperate!

[TheCornishGoodLife]

I was just wondering if anyone might be able to help? I think I’m looking for consolation/reassurance that this is normal?! And any any would be amazing!
We have a 3 week old newborn and I am STRUGGLING with the nights. She is awake and cluster feeding/fussing every single night, non stop until about 4am when she then crashes due to pure exhaustion. She then goes down for an hour or so and then wakes again for a feed and then down again for a couple of hours and then wakes late morning.
Is this normal? Or extreme? I’m living on 1-2 hours a night most nights and I don’t think I can continue like this. I’m utterly broken.
Unfortunately we had a very traumatic birth and both her and I became very unwell afterwards. She was in the NICU and I was on a ward for 9 days in total, during which she was given some very strong antibiotics. I think unfortunately, these have badly affected her stomach and now she has horrendous gas/pain/reflux. She is breastfed and I feel like I’ve tried everything for it and nothing is working. I’ve asked the Health Visitor who is completely useless. Each night she goes through about 4 bedsheets and 5 outfit changes because she is constantly sick on everything. I sit with her for hours upright after each feed to try to minimise the sick.
Any advice/hope that this will improve soon? Thank you so much!

You poor darling, you must be shattered. I think this is all within the range of normal when they're so young, but if you have any doubts go to the GP, not the HV. GP can prescribe reflux meds if appropriate, but it might also be a question of waiting for digestion to evolve a bit. Can you just sleep late with baby?

Congratulations btw 🎉

If anything a breastfeeding specialist might be better as could be latch/baby taking in lots of air when swallowing. Trying to remember what issues I encountered in those early days. It's thankfully now a blur.

Ooooo congratulations! Yes it can be rough.

To make it slightly easier have everything organised by your bed in a box so you are not searching for sheets in the middle of the night (you probably do this)

Have you tried a swaddle? One of my kids loved that with finger gloves on too. I think they could have potentially getting slightly cold but it did help. Also one slept on a sheepskin liner in winter which made them not cold (hated cold cotton sheet)

I even used to bath mine in the night in a baby bath when they just wouldn’t settle and it helped with the stomach / gas

Watch / write a diary of your food too. See if you need to alter anything

I’d ask for a lady dr who has had children to speak to you (men / people with no children don’t understand)

Hope you catch up on zzzzz on the daytime. Enjoy the cuddles

Yes, normal for mine anyway (I have 5). You probably need to jettison absolutely everything you can and spend a couple of days in bed/relaxing. Feet up or in bed. Sandwiches or prepared lunch and snacks, watch telly, and really lounge about. You need to be really eating and resting to up your milk supply at this stage. Have a pile of everything clean and ready within reach, and a basket for all the laundry. They used to sell bottles of yoghurt drink in the supermarket that were really great when mine were teeny. I craved them. I think the easy calories, hydration and coldness was just what I needed and a friend told me it sounded like lassi which is what people traditionally drank in the early months where she was from. It will get better and you will get to sleep eventually.

Are you on your own?

I know what you mean - I have 3 dcs and I will never forget the exhaustion.

It may help to look at things from the infant point of view - a new and very intimidating "home" outside of the snug and familiar womb. Smell, sound, scary sense of space, light etc - all of it together is discombobulating.

Completely new diet.

Was separated from you for a while.

It will take a while for the infant to find their feet so to speak - it takes all of them a while, even the "easy" ones.

It helps if you get rid of any notions of routine or schedule for now. The baby is too young - that will start (gently) at around 9 - 12 weeks.

This will be the way of it for the next while - degrees of better and degrees of worse.

I really hope you have someone to help.

At this point you do as little as possible - sleep, read, rest, little walks - a very reduced life.

It is good for you and good for the baby.

It can be frustrating though - and exhausting.

Congratulations and good luck.

You poor thing, this sounds absolutely brutal, and I’m not surprised you’re broken on that level of sleep. Please know that you are not failing and this is not a reflection of your parenting.

Some cluster feeding and unsettled evenings can be normal at this age, but the amount of pain, sickness, reflux and the total lack of sleep you’re describing is a LOT, especially after a traumatic birth and NICU stay. That alone justifies pushing for more support.

I would strongly suggest seeing your GP rather than relying on the health visitor. Ask specifically about reflux management and whether medication or further assessment is appropriate. Keeping a short diary of feeds, sickness and sleep can really help them take it seriously.

In the meantime, if you have any way of getting daytime rest (even contact naps, safe co-sleeping following NHS guidance, or someone taking over for a few hours), please do — this level of exhaustion isn’t sustainable and you matter too.

This does improve, even though it feels endless right now, but you shouldn’t be expected to survive it without proper help.

Congrats on your baby and sorry it was all a bit traumatic. It does sound fairly normal to me but there might be things you can do.

My eldest also was in NICU (gbs sepsis) - you should have been given a NICU community outreach / contact once you left hospital. DD1 also had dreadful reflux and our HV was able to get her infant gavsicon which sorted it for us (it was developmental rather than allergy / cmpa related) but if your HV cant, then your NICU outreach should be able to help get you referred to someone. You can also just go straight to your GP.

I believe you can also now get baby probiotics for babies who have needed antibiotics.

Definitely worth contacting an IBCLC - you can search your local one here https://lcgb.org/find-an-ibclc/ or if money is tight, Google whether La Leche League or NCT have any breastfeeding drop ins near you. You can also ask the HV or the NICU outreach if they can refer you to the infant feeding team. Have a follow of Lucy Webber Feeding Support on insta as well - she is great and does zoom sessions if there's noone local near you.

I agree with the pp about setting up a "nest" in your room - I had a caddy with nappies, wipes, spare babygros, snacks, drinks, all my medication I had to take following the birth so that you minimise bright lights and movement at night. Do you have a DH or DP that can share the load for a bit as well? When things were really tough, DH would take her immediately after a feed so I could try and get a 2hr block. Make sure baby also gets loads of natural light in the daytime to help with getting their internal clock sorted.

It definitely does get easier so hang in there.

It sounds at the extreme end of normal. My DD1 was like this and we eventually got through by co-sleeping but that didn't work till her reflux settled down as I had to keep her upright after feeding. She cluster fed loads, spit up loads, needed loads of babygrows, muslins and bedsheets, had colic and screamed loads. I hardly slept; it was one of the darkest times of my life. It did get slowly better from around 12 weeks and she was a very easy toddler and is a fantastic child, doing exceptionally well at school. My second child was nothing like this and I slept well when she was a baby.

Hi OP, congratulations on your baby, im sorry you having a rough time with sleep! Cluster feeding at this age is totally normal as baby is trying to establish your milk supply (plus they have a tiny stomach so need to feed a lot!) Sometimes it feels constant for a few days when they are having a big growth spurt but please dont worry- it does not mean you have a bad supply or your baby is not getting enough. It would be worth paying for a lactation consultant to watch you feeding for reassurance on your babies latch/ positioning/ potential tongue tie but if baby is gaining weight then there is very likely to be no issue feeding.
The other thing worth considering if this carries on is reflux. If baby seems distressed when not feeding and is vomiting a lot they might be in discomfort from tummy acid coming up into their throat- this often presents as constant feeding to soothe the throat and not wanting to lay flat to sleep. I would go to the GP and discuss as this is really easily sorted with infant Gaviscon or Omprezole. My little boy had terrible reflux and screamed the place down for the first 3 months of his life and the only thing that soothed him was feeding. As soon as he was on omeprozole he was a different baby completely.
Good luck with everything- even just normal cluster feeding can he very hard but everything is just a phase and will pass very soon! Xxxx

Editing to say: try letting her sleep upright on your chest for 20 mins after each feed to let her milk go down. Might help with digestive discomfort/ spit up.

Yes, absolutely this kind of thing. Also, forget the day / night divide and just roll with her needs for now. Babies have no clue about day / night, or what's expected, or what your pressures are. Let go a bit. You can rein in gently once this period passes, and hopefully establish a routine of sorts. Sending you luck, love and light!

Hi
I am a Paediatric nurse and maternity nurse/newborn specialist and I wantedx to reach out with some advice and reassurance.

First, a quick reality check (so you don’t feel like you’re failing)
At 0–3 months it’s very common for babies to sleep in short bursts and wake frequently because their tummies are small and they need feeds. Longer stretches usually build gradually. nhs.uk
“Sleep training” methods (leaving to cry, timed check-ins, etc.) are generally recommended from around 4–6 months, not in the newborn stage. Sleep Foundation+1
What can work now: 8 practical tips that often extend night sleep

1. Make nights “boring” and days “bright” This is one of the biggest helpers for day/night reversal:

• Day: open curtains, normal household noise.
• Night: dim lights, quiet voices, minimal interaction, back to bed after feeds/changes. nhs.uk

2) Aim for a simple bedtime “loop” Same order each night helps baby learn what comes next: Feed → burp → cuddle upright briefly → clean nappy if needed → swaddle/sleep bag → down. (Consistency matters more than the exact time.) 3) Get the “first stretch” as long as possible Many babies give their longest stretch early in the night. Try:

• A calm wind-down
• A full feed
• Then down promptly when sleepy (not waiting until overtired)

4) Keep feeds slow and calm (reduces gulping/air, helps settle) Breast: try a more reclined/laid-back position if flow feels fast. Bottle: use paced feeding and check teat flow isn’t too fast. Combination: same principles — calmer, slower feeds often = better sleep after. 5) Burp strategically (not endlessly) Some babies do best with:

• 1–2 short burp breaks during the feed
• and a final burp after
• (If burping becomes stimulating, keep it brief and move on.)

6) Use “hands-on settling” before escalating Newborn-friendly soothing ladder:

• hand on chest + gentle shush
• slow rocking in the cot (hands on baby)
• pick up to calm, then put down again
• feed if cues are strong / it’s been a while
• This supports sleep without expecting self-soothing beyond a newborn’s ability.

7) Consider white noise Steady “shhh”/white noise can help many newborns settle and link sleep cycles (keep volume low/moderate). 8) Make the sleep space truly sleep-friendly (and safe) A firm, flat sleep surface, on the back, with an empty cot/Moses basket is safest. Avoid wedges or inclined products even for reflux. HealthyChildren.org+1 If swaddling is used, stop once baby shows signs of rolling. The Lullaby Trust Feeding-specific “stretch the night” ideas (choose what fits) If breastfeeding

• In the evening, expect cluster feeding — it’s common and can be baby “tanking up.”
• If baby is feeding very frequently, try: feed → burp → settle, and if they wake again very soon, offer settling first (then feed if needed). This can sometimes reduce “snacking” without withholding feeds.

If bottle feeding

• Try paced bottle feeding + slower teat if baby gulps.
• If baby falls asleep mid-feed, a gentle wake (tickle feet, change nappy halfway) can help them take a fuller feed and sometimes give a longer stretch after.

If combination feeding

• Consider protecting one longer sleep block for mum: one evening bottle (expressed milk or formula if that’s your choice) given by someone else can be the difference between coping and not coping.

The single most effective “tip” (for parents, not baby) Do sleep in shifts if there’s any support available: one adult does everything except feeding for a 3–4 hour block so mum can get uninterrupted rest. When “sleep training” becomes appropriate (later) Around 4–6 months, babies are typically more developmentally ready for structured sleep training approaches if families want them. Sleep Foundation+1 For now, the goal is rhythm + settling support + protecting parental sleep.

Hello love. That sounds brutal, you poor thing. It’s definitely at the more extreme end.

Thoughts:

Do you have a partner or someone who can come round and hold baby so you can get a few more hours kip during the day?

Go to GP and ask for assessment for tongue tie and reflux.

If you get to the point where you really can’t go on- formula and/or mixed feeding IS a valid choice, no matter what the militant internet may tell you, and it means other people can do a feed.

Sending you a handhold.

Hi @TheCornishGoodLifeshe might be tongue tied. Midwives and HV arent trained to check for hidden tongue ties so it could be that. She might just be starving all the time. Re the sick - cut out dairy and soya. Will take 2 weeks for it to leave you system .

My oldest was like this. She was awake every 1-2 hrs for the first two years. In restrospect I think she was allergic to milk including mine. I was so so tired and wish I had switched to formula of some kind although there weren’t a lot of options back then (late 80’s). I made it through and had two more within three years but I’ll never forget that first year of babyhood. It goes so fast. I wish you the best. I hope you can get a dr. visit and some relief for all of you.

Try giving infacol it will calm her down