(Irrationally?) stressed about 6yo who can't tell me something

[ALoonIsNotAGuillemot]

I think this post is going to make me sound unhinged but here we go.

I have a huge fear, based on very little, that DS6 has been a victim of CSA. This probably stems from the fact that both my mum and my niece were, both around age 5 or 6 (by separate perpetrators, neither of whom are in this country). But there have been a couple other minor things that also leave me feeling unsettled:
About a year ago he went through a period of wetting himself after having been potty trained for a couple years.
He's in a very "bottoms/bums/poos are hilarious" phase and occasionally his body language around this seems kind of sexualised to me.
He sometimes seems to look for opportunities to see his little sister's private parts, e.g. offering to wipe her after she's used the toilet. (Which of course I tell him that DH or I can help her with that and it's not appropriate for him.)

Recently I saw online a set of questions to ask your child as a sort of bonding exercise I suppose. So every so often I ask him something like "Is there anything you wish I understood about you?" and it's been a nice way to get to know him better. Last night I asked "Is there anything you wish you could tell me but you're afraid I'll be upset?" And he said there was something. I reassured him that nothing he told me could ever make me love him any less, and he said, "I know. But I just can't tell you." Then I told him about a time I had to tell my parents something that I felt daunted about, but they still loved me and it felt good to get it off my chest etc. He asked a couple questions about that anecdote but still didnt tell me his "thing". I was worried about pushing too hard, so I gave him a cuddle and said, "Well, whenever you're ready to tell me, I'm ready to listen. Sometimes, hard things can be easier to say if you write them down and give the person a note."

I'm petrified that his big secret is that someone has touched him inappropriately. As I say, probably irrational, but also not beyond the realms of possibility.

We have had conversations about safe and unsafe touch, we use correct anatomical language, we've talked about how nobody should tell him to keep a secret and if they do he should come and tell me or DH... but he's still ended up with something weighing on his mind that he feels he can't tell me.

Does anyone have any advice as to how I can encourage him to open up about it? Any play therapy techniques or similar that can be done at home perhaps??

Maybe you are projecting onto him?

But practically speaking, at bed time with my daughter every day we do ‘best thing, worst thing’ where we tell each other our best things and worst things about the day while I tuck her in. I obviously don’t tell her any serious ‘worst things’ but she has confided in me her worst thing when he’s been upset before. It could be worth a shot, it’s not a bad routine.

I'm sure there is an element of me projecting. I'm also conscious that my mum raised me with a hefty dose of shame around my body - not her fault, but as a result of her own abuse - and that despite my own efforts to stay calm when DS is acting in ways that seem sexually suggestive to me, I sometimes get so "triggered" (for want of a better word) and overreact, which no doubt encourages the behaviour.

The bedtime routine is a lovely suggestion, thank you 😊

I understand it must be difficult, but you need to
make sure you don’t do the same to your child as was done to you. It’s great you are thinking about thinks as hopefully you can take control as
im sure you only want the best for your son

I hear what you are saying, and it isn’t an unreasonable fear. I can’t tell you for sure that he doesn’t have a ‘dark’ secret.
I can tell you that he could be worrying about the time he ‘ate the last sweetie then told you burglars must have done it’, or took a sweet from a shop without paying.

I also hear all the work you are doing to give your little boy the tools he needs to get help, and to stay safe. You are doing all the right things. Let them play out according to his time scale. It’s hard wondering and worrying, and not know8ng what he’ll say. Hold on to the knowledge you are allowing him to process what he wants to tell you, and that when it’s the right time, when he is ready, he will.

Thank you so much for these compassionate replies 💕

I don't know if this will help, but I have a six year old boy and the things you've said about his behaviour seem totally normal to me.

That does help - thank you.

There is another thread at the moment asking about a 6 year olds behaviour in this area, and there are lots of posts saying 6 year old boys are pretty obssessed with bodies.
As you say - bottoms, poos etc are hilarious. Remember that if youhave taught him correct anatomical words, and then he uses those words when talking about farts and bums, they may sound a bit grown-up and perhaps not what you expect. But that is OK if he has been taught those words.
Small kids are often also very interested in other small kids bodies. So wanting to help wipe his sisters bum sounds within normal stuff to me.

As PP said, we can't know for sure if there is a secret, but it may well be about something quite ordinary.
You sound like you are having good conversations with him about things like - nobody should ask you to keep a secret.

@steppemum Thank you - I'll look for that thread!

Bear in mind too that children can sense when their parents are worried/invested in something and can play it up. Not that this is necessarily the case, but it can happen.

My 6 year old is obsessed with bums boobs willies everything! And does very odd stuff dancing around twerking, smacking my bum, I think it’s just a phase and he’s just being silly and funny. I’d really try not to worry too much you’ve given him so many tools 💕

I also do the best and worst thing of the day at bedtime x