I can’t stand the constant arguing

[mioz]

Please god someone help. I have two boys (6 & 4) who argue, bicker, physically fight, scream, etc etc, for about 11 hours of the day (no I’m not exaggerating). It’s absolutely fucking exhausting and I actually dread the weekends because I’m also just screaming at them and refereeing most of the time. It’s gotten to the point where I mostly have to keep them separate at home, car journeys are a joke because one has to sit in the front and even then they’re physically trying to kill each other. Is this normal? Anyone I speak to says ‘oh that’s just what boys are like’ but surely fucking not allllll the time?!

I feel your pain - same age gap here and it’s almost constant - two boys!

Oh god, what do you do to not kill yourself?! If one of them even walks past the room the other is in it’s bloody murder

Same here with the same gap. It’s unbelievably wearing. When they (very very occasionally) play together it’s beautiful but even that quickly escalates to chaos.

My 2 never fought. They didn't play with each other either. When they leave home I doubt they will stay in contact with each other!

I feel you got 3 boys and there always arguing or fighting over toys. All 3 have the same toys but they still fight over them.
The 3 and 4 year old are the worst.

I can’t share any truly effective strategies. The only thing that works for my two is separating them up!
I genuinely feel it’s affected my physical health - from stress.

If anyone has any advice about this then please let me know, too. Completely draining.

Similar here , either arguing or playing too loud/boisterously. I separate them and only allow them together when their overall behaviour is ok.

not effing easy !

I have two girls who were like this and still can be, but it is better. Age gap closer to 3 years and now they are 7 and nearly 10. But for a couple of years it seemed like the elder really hated the younger, and the younger would retaliate violently to the vibe she was getting. I despaired. Some of the things that helped:

Allowing them to vent to us when the sibling wasn’t there, without saying too much and letting get all their resentments out (unpleasant as it was to listen to). This led to elder telling me she thought I loved the younger more and me being able to address that.

Doing a bit of a mediation approach that I read online, saying ‘I’m hearing kid 1 saying xyz and now I’m hearing kid 2 say xyz. Must be some way you can both get what you need’. The advice was coach them to each provide suggestions on how to resolve the issue, while checking in if the suggestion is agreeable to the other. Ie kid 1 says I should have the toy, you turn to kid 2 and say ‘they say they should have it. Does that work for you?’ And they say no, so you ask what their suggestion is. Sometimes they come up with random shit like ‘I get the toy on a Tuesday and a Friday, they get it on weekends. Other days no one is allowed to play with it’. But if the other agrees, everyone is happy and it’s come from them rather than imposed by you. I know you’ll be thinking ‘who can be arsed with that’ :) but I feel it helped them develop some of the skills for sorting conflicts out. Now I feel they have normal level sibling conflict rather than worrying it’s at a pathological level…

Same, sorry for your troubles

I have 3 DC, now teens. My younger two are boys, same age gap as yours. They have always either been fighting, or not fighting but physically jumping / thumping / roaring.

It’s awful as it’s constant. At 6 & 4 I assumed they’d grow out of it. At 16 & 14, they haven’t. Just are bigger & louder.

It’s really hard to take, even the ‘play’ element of it.

I know not all boys are like this but mine are & I have no solutions. 😟

I did what my mum practiced with me and my brother.

You hurt someone- you say sorry. You don't say sorry for doing something wrong (because of course you are right). You still say sorry. You upset the other person. This is what matters. This is what you say sorry for.

My brother and I are one year apart. My mum told me we used to fight until we drew blood (I have no recollection of this). My brother and I are best friends now.

I did the same with my two boys (21 months apart). Constantly solving their fights. Then one day I heard them at it again. Here we go, I thought. Then I heard one of them saying "sorry". The conflict was over before I arrived.

They are late teens now and still do lots of things together despite being completely different personalities

Very lucky to have 3 boys who are calm and very little bickering. Littlest constantly wants affection from eldest two which they get a bit tired of but other than that theres nothing. I would say always try and be calm if possible and explain things clearly and try and do a sport together to give unity, focus and tire them out. We love mountain biking and its all they talk about.

You are lucky!

My DC do lots of sport - they train / play most days, to a high level in their sports. It sadly doesn’t help with the physicality, noise & rows. Like I say, they are not always fighting but even when ‘play fighting’, it’s exhausting to be around.

So the physical activity isn’t necessarily a panacea. You just have calm boys - lucky you!