To try for a third child or not - heart vs head

[SR00]

DH and I have two DS age 6 and 1. I was convinced during my last pregnancy that I would be done at 2 children. Since my youngest was born however I can’t shake the longing for a third or that our family just doesn’t feel complete.
DH is happy with two but is open to the idea of a third if I want to. I just feel so torn.
We found the jump from 1-2 children hard, I know I’m not the most patient but I do think I’m a good mum. Our youngest is a poor sleeper, Velcro baby, generally quite hard work. Balancing the needs of them both is hard because they have such different needs. Eldest is always on the go, won’t play alone, needs constant attention (possible underlying ADHD) but I love them both immensely. I wonder if a smaller age gap might have been better but it just didn’t work out like that.
My head says to stick at two -
financially I know it will be easier, we have a comfortable lifestyle but know cars/holidays/childcare will cost more with three
Emotionally - splitting time between children, having couple time etc, generally spread more thinly with three.
Physically - had multiple miscarriages before each successful pregnancy so I know a third wouldn’t be a given and I found pregnancy quite hard.
i have a long list of logical reasons on my “no” list but my heart just really wants a third and I can’t shake it.
I love my sons immensely but I’m not sure if part of wanting a third is that I always pictured myself having a daughter, I have a lovely close relationship with my mum and would love the same when I’m older. I know a having a daughter doesn’t guarantee that closeness nor does having sons mean we won’t be close as adults. I wouldn’t change my boys for the world and I’m not disappointed I had sons. I know we’re immensely lucky to have two healthy wonderful children and I don’t want anything to jeopardise that but also don’t want to regret not trying for a third down the line.
Anyone has similar thoughts/ dilemma?

Never had a dilemma, I just knew we weren’t done at 2. Our third is an absolute delight. Yes it’s hard, yes there’s less money but we all love each other immensely and have great fun together. I wouldn’t be without any of them. Love a big family! And these are all wonderful emotional reasons, we just deal with the practicalities as we go along

I had the exact same dilemma for many months - even 'tried' for the third a few times and eventually sent dh for the snip to take the option away. 10 years on and I don't regret it - I think if it had happened it would undoubtedly have been a joy but if it ever comes up my overriding thought is that our lives would look a lot different and my dc would have to sacrifice some of what they have now - in terms of money and time. I do admit to being irrationally jealous of those that went for 3 for the first couple of years after deciding not to though haha

I had the exact same dilemma for many months - even 'tried' for the third a few times and eventually sent dh for the snip to take the option away. 10 years on and I don't regret it - I think if it had happened it would undoubtedly have been a joy but if it ever comes up my overriding thought is that our lives would look a lot different and my dc would have to sacrifice some of what they have now - in terms of money and time. I do admit to being irrationally jealous of those that went for 3 for the first couple of years after deciding not to though haha

I saw a good quote the other day along the lines of how it's more important to show up to the kids we already than adding more to a family and we then can't cope.

Nothing in your lists indicates that having a third would be a good idea. You've already admitted you struggle to meet both their needs at the same time, are already sleep deprived, one has potential ADHD and you admit you would feel stretched too thinly. I'm failing to see how a 3rd would benefit your existing children.

Your current children need you to be present for them. The thing they will benefit from most is a mum who is present, not overwhelmed and is not stretched too thinly or struggles than another sibling will be. You aren't guaranteed a daughter as your third child and to be blunt, you need to prioritise your current children than any ones that don't exist.

I’ve had the same dilemma for a year now. Head keeps winning. Mine are 2.5 and five now and in some ways I find it harder than when they were younger (though of course some things are easier). I figure that a child is such a big decision you need to be significantly more pro it than you are against it and because of that my heart doesn’t override my head. I do have a constant worry I’ll regret it though. I just revisit how we both feel about it every couple of months.

Your youngest is only 1. You still have time. A smaller age gap is definitely not easier (I have 5 years between mine and have definitely not struggled the way friends with 2-3 year gaps have, especially financially). I’d give it a year and see how you feel then.

Saving for later 😍

I work with families around sleep and behaviour, and I think once you have your youngest sleeping well, a third child will be even more appealing! Usually, find consistency and routine will help with the sleep issue.

Good luck, follow your heart, and I find vaseline helps to counteract Velcro. ;P

Thank you! Some really interesting pause for thoughts here. I think realistically we’ll keep it on the back burner and revisit in a year or two.