Helping Ds13 achieve his full potential

[mrsbittersweet]

I’m looking for some advice please.

DS13 goes to a good state secondary. He’s a bright child, respectful, thoughtful, helpful at home and has a great sense of humour. No behavioural issues at school.

However, he has absolutely no motivation to study beyond doing the bare minimum homework. We’ve tried talking to hi , encouraging him, explaining why it matters etc, but it doesn’t seem to land. He’ll do just enough to get by and then… nothing. He just wanders around or says he’s bored.

Academically, his reports show a decline. He was well above average at KS1, average by KS2, and now he’s falling behind in maths and science and sitting at average in everything else. He’s capable of more but doesn’t push himself.

We’ve reduced screen time to 2 hours a day, thinking that might help, but it hasn’t made much difference – he’s not replacing it with anything productive.

Those of you who’ve raised motivated boys (or got through this stage!), how did you do it? Is this just age/puberty and we ride it out, or is there something we should be doing differently?

Two hours a day is still quite a lot of screen time?

I work in education ( college level). I find that the most switched on kids are ones who have interests outside their studies and who have the opportunity to explore them.

I also have a disinterested 13 yo boy. He is coasting along, not really applying himself. He does sports outside of school, meets friends, goes to the gym occasionally. He just cba with school. He doesn’t get into trouble because he does the bare minimum so he does enough to get by. He is polite and well mannered and teachers generally like him. He just totally cba. I would also love some ideas to motivate! He is a good lad at home- no issues with behaviour at all. Bit lazy at times. I’m hoping that once he starts year 10, it’ll be a bit better (currently year 9) as he will be able to drop the subjects he hates

Thank you. He does drama, tennis and swimming, although not without a lot of complaining beforehand. I took him horse riding yesterday. He really didn’t want to go but did it anyway. Afterwards he said he doesn’t want to do it again.

At the moment the only things he seems genuinely interested in are gaming and YouTubers. Everything else feels like it’s being done under protest.

That’s partly why I’m worried. It feels like such a narrow focus and I don’t know whether to push more, step back, or accept this is just where he is right now.

He does 3 activities there, that’s 3 more than so many!

One of mine was similar. Left school at 16 with poor GCSEs. A few years in a dead end job changed his attitude. Talked his way onto a HND course, did so well in first year he moved to the degree. Ended up with a first and the science prize for his year.

Sometimes they just need to mature and see reality. Try not to worry.

I think what I’m really trying to say is that he doesn’t actually want to do any of these things. He doesn’t want to study beyond homework, and he doesn’t really want to do drama/tennis/swimming either. He’ll go, but reluctantly, and would happily drop them all.

Left to his own devices he would game or watch YouTube all day. If screens are limited, he just sort of drifts around doing nothing.

So I’m stuck on what the right approach is. Do I:

let him be and accept this is a phase?

be stricter and push study, take the screen time away.

do something else entirely?

I don’t want to crush his spirit or turn everything into a battle, but I also don’t want to look back in a few years and think we should have stepped in more.

What worked for you with boys like mine?

@mrsbittersweet while YouTube and gaming are on offer, he ll never try for anything
at a minimum would you consider giving those when he at least tried to achieve something (academically I mean)

I also have DS13, no social media at all; he gets his PS5 only when he has progressed academically or he got a good great or report

And 2 hours is quite a lot, especially for someone who’s declining at school

Yes, We’ve limited screens but not really linked them to effort or progress, which may be where we’re going wrong.

Just freezes any critical thinking /motivation in a healthy brain

if you’re bombarded by YouTube shorts or TikTok for 2+ hours, you won’t go back to work to put together a presentation, will you ?

especially harmful for some kids (like ours) who are not naturally motivated anyway..

on top of that and if it’s possible at all, perhaps get him to do Duke of Edinburgh or some sort of volunteering

Yes, absolutely. Thank you.

He sounds mildly depressed. So common in gaming boys. The dopamine the games give him alters his brains response to real life.

Read The Anxious Generation book for the science and then hopefully make some changes in his lifestyle to prevent further decline.

This one. Honestly please read it, you can help him. It’s not his fault.

https://www.waterstones.com/book/the-anxious-generation/jonathan-haidt/9781802063271

You could do with finding some activities he does really want to do. In a couple of tears you won't get able to make him do anything and he'll be off out with his friends.

Although you don't mention friends. Is he playing online against friends? Or us what he discusses with friends linked to what he watches? If so you may be limiting his social interactions. If you could find him a hobby he enjoys which is also sociable he'd benefit and be more likely to keep going.

On the school front, what career aspirations does he have? It might help him to see thd point in some if what he's doing, he's obviously not motivated by good grades.

I’m a secondary teacher for 20 plus years. Most year 8/9 students don’t. Ensure he reads a wide variety of fiction and nonfiction, Does a sport, does his homework, has friends, spends time with his family and converse easily people is fun to be with and kind.

Support the whole child and the academics will fall into place

He does play video games only with his real-life friends and he’s invited out to plenty of things. He j prefers a very small circle – two close friends, one from school and one outside. They’re lovely boys and I’m happy he has good friends, but they’re very similar to him in terms of motivation and interests and gaming. I told him if wants to be a youtuber I would support him or create his video games etc… he started and lost interest within couple weeks .

At this age mine dropped a lot of previous interests.

i said to him that he needed to be doing stuff and he agreed to try a new sport each month. We tried quite a few - archery, football, riding but martial arts was what stuck.

he might be coming up to D of E age in which case I’d start working with him on doing it - he’d need to find something to volunteer at (could link it to trying out possible jobs he might be interested), a sport to do and a hobby.

it’s a good structure.

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Are there many 13 year old boys who study beyond doing their homework? I have a fairly conscientious 13 year old, who is predicted 8s and 9s, but he doesn’t voluntarily do extra school work. He enjoys scouts and theatre, plays DnD etc, but also watches too much YouTube and enjoys gaming.

Very few that I can think of unless it’s a school where private study is expected or private school.

home work and reading is enough.

No screens at all during the week until grades improve. Very limited screen time on weekends if revision plan is followed without moaning. Maths and Science revision plan supervised by parents. 45 minutes per day after school and 90 minutes per day Saturday/Sunday. If he's bright that should do. Absolutely crucial to keep up with maths and science and not fall behind as these are compulsory GCSE subjects and gaps now will have serious consequences.

Can you get him starting to think about the future? Find ways to engage him in what he might want to do as a career. Brilliant advice -“ you’ve got to see it to want to be it”…engage with other friends family in a broad range of careers? All he can see is YouTubers and gamers at the moment…. If he has a goal in mind help him explore the route to it.

Could you talk to the friends' parents, see if they have the same concerns? I went to a comprehensive that was under performing on average, but it had a core off high performing boys who were all very competitive with one another to be best at maths and physics. The competition really drove the whole group.

I don't think many 13yo boys are doing much beyond set homework tbh.

I know neither of mine were. One then worked really hard for GCSEs and A-levels and is about to graduate from his degree.

The other one though has really struggled and has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. Wish we'd realised sooner so it's definitely worth keeping an eye.