Feel bad for being firm with toddler

[Loulou94xxx]

Hi ladies

might just be a case of mum guilt but having a bit of a wobble.

im a single parent, relationship with ex is difficult not someone I can really rely on but he does have LO once a week.

LO is a very happy toddler. Very cheeky and loves pushing boundaries which at 2 years old I know is normal. Not a fan of being told no and is the first child and grandchild in the family so is a diva & princess rolled into one to say the least.

I do gentle parent as best I can however I’m pretty strong on children need boundaries and routine, so I go with the firm but fair approach. I definitely pick my battles but I do feel sometimes I’m on her case a lot.

saying no to slamming doors, no to flicking switches etc. I am trying to set boundaries but feel whilst doing that I’m constantly on at her. My parents actually think I’m really soft and don’t do much to discipline her but I feel she’s young and doesn’t need discipline just needs redirection and attention.

i guess I do just feel guilty as sometimes I feel I get quite short with her - if it’s the third time of me saying something then I do give quite a stern tone. Or if I’ve asked her 3 times and she’s ignored me then again I do give a stern tone. I don’t shout or swear or anything on the kind but can definitely be a bit short especially where we’ve had a week or zero sleep as she’s decided she doesn’t feel like sleeping in her own crib anymore.

sorry rambling now but definitely feeling a lot of mum guilt. I see a lot on social media about parents damaging their children, giving them trauma and projecting their emotions onto their kids so I suppose I am just a bit worried that im going to dull her sparkle or that she’s going to grow up and be short tempered or something.

has anyone else experienced this feeling?

Ignore the nonsense on social media. You sound like a great mum. Children need discipline, love and discipline. As long as they're getting both you can't go far wrong.

@DeepTealCat lol that made me laugh. Thanks so much

It’s all fine, OP.

You might be interested in reading Alfie Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting to get some support for the years ahead

Sounds like you're doing fine, it's good to have a little healthy worry about your child (but not too much of course)
I would say getting used to setting boundaries is a great thing, but watch out for repeating yourself ineffectually. You might need to have a "one warning and then remove the child/item" so that they get the message in the longer term.
You can also try to let her get what she needs other ways. Look up "yes spaces". Eg for the switches thing, you can shuffle around the things that are plugged in so there's a free socket where she can get to it then if she plays with a switch that you need to be switched on, redirect her to the one that's not in use. Or you could even buy a loose board and a selection of socket/switch/etc from b&q and mount them up and put it in the toy area. You can also get "locks and latches" play boards which are similar.
Good luck, it's exhausting!

I dibt think you are setting the firm boundaries you think you are!

You sound like you’re doing fine, 2 year olds can be little terrors.
Some things to consider would be are you telling her no too much maybe so she’s not listening when you really mean it? Like flicking switches could be dealt with by distracting her rather than saying no, but doing something like running off near a road needs a firm no and for her to listen.

Also what consequences are there when she doesn’t listen? Have you tried a sticker chart or similar for rewarding good behaviour?

You do have to be stern sometimes with toddlers. Now that they're mobile, they need to listen to you for their own safety. I have 4 so have had to develop a 'mum means business' voice that has them freeze on the spot and has on a few occasions stopped them doing something really dangerous.

Don't feel guilty for raising them with boundaries and discipline. Children need this to thrive. It makes them feel more secure knowing exactly where the line is and will shape them into decent human beings.

Eg for the switches thing, you can shuffle around the things that are plugged in so there's a free socket where she can get to it then if she plays with a switch that you need to be switched on, redirect her to the one that's not in use.

She should never play with switches, whether in use or not.

Stick to your firm but fair approach. There’s a thread at the moment with the OP allowing two 8 year olds to pester her constantly to get up early in the morning and that’s what happens when you aren’t solid on boundaries.

Saying no over and over again shows weak boundaries though. Notice when you’re saying no too much as, without action to back it up, kids just tune it out as meaningless. Which it is. Say no once, remove her from the thing if she does it again, and distract onto something else or model how we should close a door with lots of praise. Stick to your guns.

Try also to figure out which things don’t matter too much. Kids do need to learn what things do after all. Slamming doors is dangerous- a wee experimental flick of the lights for a few minutes? Maybe not. I have a video of my child at 2 standing on the couch and dimming the lights up and down. He was just learning how it works. Now he’s 4 he doesn’t play with it, he just switches it on and off when he needs to.

Maybe lift her up and have a wee play for a couple of minutes together with the light to give her what she needs- she’s curious about how it works. Then get her a torch. everything is play and experimentation to her, as it should be.

I feel really angry with stuff on the internet and social media that makes parents think they are going to damage their child if they use a stern voice, or tell them off, or do some gentle sleep training.

You sound like a lovely mum and you will not damage your child by using a stern voice where needed and setting boundaries!

I occasionally used to have to scoop mine up bodily and remove them from the situation when they were being particular horrors - leading to a lot of howling of course - I don't think I have damaged them for life.

I used to invent rules just to teach them they couldn’t have their own way all of the time!

I was a SAHM and things were all lovely and calm a lot of the time and I didn’t want them to start school thinking they could do what they wanted. For example when one of mine ran ahead to press the button for the crossing I told her she couldn’t press it until she was five. That way she would be able to do it without running and any card coming that saw her would see she was old enough not to run under the wheels.

Look into Kate Silverstone - Instagram and her book there's no such thing as naughty......great tips for pate and understanding what's driving children's behaviour!

Kids definitely need discipline and boundaries, that does not mean shouting or smacking of course but there is a world between that and nothing at all. My husband's therapist actually said his parents were negligent for not setting boundaries as it's given him a lot of anxiety, because he felt no one was in charge growing up and he needed to be the adult. You're not their friend, you're their parent and your job is to give guidance and keep them safe.

I read "how to talk so little kids listen" and that was great for giving a lot of strategies that aren't shouting. I also have a 2 year old and I redirect a lot, and if I say no then I don't give in to the tantrum I just stay calm and around and understand feelings but we still do what I said, and I'm not afraid to physically remove her from a situation if needed. I also give choices and try to make as much a fun game as possible (we sing a a lot of songs for when she needs to do something like brushing teeth). I don't shout and I don't punish at this age because it wouldn't mean anything. I'm trying to go for authoritative parenting, loving but with boundaries, which is what gentle parenting is supposed to be, but a lot of people get it confused for permissive parenting which is no boundaries. It all seems to be working for now. Sounds like you're doing a good job.

I’m sorry but kids need boundaries. I don’t recall shouting at my kids more than a couple of times (excluding when teens have been asked 94 times to leave the house for school) but I was very firm with them and some things were non negotiable. This included playing with switches, and no giving them one to play with is not good. As was holding hands, car seats, sitting at the table to eat. Children are not damaged by hearing the word no, and being allowed to do what they like.

Teaching her not to be annoying isn’t dulling her sparkle, it’s turning her into a decent member of society 😊

Chuck the phrase mum guilt into the bin, you’re doing just fine.

Yes I felt like that! Thankfully despite or because of me they are lovely, well balanced, hard working, sociable, kind adults who are liked and respected. I wish I had had a crystal ball to know this!
You sound fab!

The issue is the gentle parenting. I’m not saying scream at your kids or hitting them. However, you’re not being firm enough, you aren’t setting appropriate boundaries or punishments. If there are no consequences, then children will keep repeating behaviours.

Raising a toddler alone is bloody hard! You need the patience of a saint on very little sleep.
Boundaries at this age are crucial IMO and will stand you in good stead in the future.
I did cringe at diva and princess, you're not doing your DD any favours using that language. She's not a princess or a diva, just a normal 2 year old.