Obsessive behaviours and anxiety DD6 - at wits end

[MudandParsnips]

We could really do with some help with our DD6 in yr2 as we're at our wits end... Long story short, she has always been an anxious soul; she was a difficult and very whiny baby but she has bloomed into such a kind, lovely person. That said, she is SO sensitive about everything and fearful of so many things and it can be so difficult to help her or manage these things. A few examples:

• She is obsessed by the idea that her knickers are wet, she will change them constantly or start panicking and crying if she thinks they're wet, even if they're not (e.g. they could be cold), but also hates the feeling of her private parts, thinking they're wet all the time. We have to cut labels out of clothes and she'll only wear soft leggings and t-shirts. Consequently, this whole Christmas break she has spent with her hands in her knickers (!) and also has started sniffing them afterwards. I'm absolutely exasperated. I'm constantly taking them out, telling her about hygiene, will make herself and others sick, but she is so compulsed to do it it's really hard to get her to stop.
• She also has a habit cough, which we've been ignoring as advised it will go away but it's been nearly a year.
• Other than this, she has started jumping obsessively on top of drain covers when out and about and completely freaks out if she misses one.
• She's a scared to be alone in the house, won't go on lifts or escalators, I could go on and on.

We took her to a psychologist earlier this year and it was mildly helpful but she basically said she was sensitive and got us to read The Whole Brain Child. We tried a daily journal but she got bored of it after a few days and now she won't do it. The other thing to mention is that this all really exacerbates during school holidays, it's so much worse when she's been away and come back, hasn't got the routine of school etc. there'll be whole periods where she'll just be the perfect child during term time - no issues at school except wet knickers and secretly changing them. It's difficult to get her to sleep, she'll often not actually fall asleep until 10pm and she can call down/mess around a lot at bedtime. Sorry, this is a poorly constructed stream of consciousness but I feel like we're sleepwalking into her having serious OCD/anxiety issues when she's older and I don't know what to do to help her. Anyone had anything similar? Will she just grow out of it? We just don't really know what to do but it's so exhausting. Thank you if you got this far 🙏

Could you pop a little pad in her knickers so it absorbs any dampness/wetness? I know as a child, I had very juicy bits (mum took me to the dr as I had discharge from a similar age which wasn’t infection, just natural).

and I know it’s a bit of a cliche, (and I have an ND child myself), but could she be ND?

This sounds really difficult. The only thing I have specific experience of is the habit cough, which my ds had at a similar age. The doctor sent me a pdf leaflet about habit cough that included some advice to count to three before you cough each time and that actually did work for him to stop it. He's had various other weird habits as well like a really big slow blink.

My DD is an anxious person so some things that have helped her are children's mindfulness meditations, we had a cd, found some on Alexa, and got the headspace app. Yes to a journal but really that didn't help until she was older than your dd is. A worry monster that you zip worries into - pressure on the parent to remember to empty them! A weighted blanket, red night light and audiobook helped her at night.

Did the psychologist mention anything like neuro diversity? I believe OCD can cross over with autism. Not saying this is OCD because I don't know. My relative with OCD it's more intrusive thoughts rather than external habits.

Yes, was also going to suggest a liner to help with the perceived wetness, shows you’re taking her seriously and that something is being ‘done about it.’

She does potentially sound ND, have you looked into that?

Sorry you’re having such a rough time, it sounds very difficult for you all.

I had some of this with my DD, she’s 8 now and much calmer. With us school was a big issue. She found it a very stressful place to be, things got better when she joined lunchtime club and had somewhere quiet to go at lunch rather than the playground. She grew out of sensitivity about wet clothes, labels etc, by about 7. With things like the habit cough, I took the following approach which might work for you: any time a tic appeared like a cough or breath issue I took her to the GP to check it out but stayed very outwardly calm and breezy with her. Then when the GP confirmed it was psychological I explained to DD that she was feeling a bit stressed out and that was making her body act out as a warning. And then whenever she got a tic I would say m, very breezily, oh DD! You must be feeling a bit stressed and would give her a special relaxing weekend or a day off school and do calming breathing exercises. She self regulates pretty well now.

Thank you so much all for your quick and thoughtful replies 🩷
I'll try the pads again, good suggestion, thanks. We gave this a go when it first became an issue around Easter time but she didn't like the feel of them in her knickers so wouldn't wear it, but things change so might work now. We do try and be very sympathetic and understanding with her issues and use the right language so she knows we believe and support her, but when it's a serious hygiene risk, it's really hard to do that. Thanks also for the idea about counting before coughing - seems ridiculous but we hadn't actually been to the GP about it as it seems like such a small thing and it's just become daily reality.
We had wondered about ND but I would have expected the psychologist to have said if she really though it was and she didn't. The other thing is that these issues tend to come and go in waves of intensity around school holidays, so it's always so much worse for a few weeks and then will hugely settle it she'll cope so much better, so wouldn't ND be the whole time? I also had some issues like whispering under my breath when I was a kid, and I just grew out of it, so might be why we've taken a wait and see approach on some things like the cough.

You can get really slim liners OP that she might not notice/feel. I think they are called bodyform dailies so slim- they come in a little box. They are the thinnest, most comfortable liners I’ve tried.
She might prefer those to some of the bulkier types.

By scared to be alone in the house presumably you mean in a room alone? I would definitely look into autism, I have 3 autistic children and it does sound like there are at least some sensory issues, emotional regulation issues and repetitive behaviour going on.

My daughter is much less anxious generally when she's at school, it's a strong daily daily routine isn't it. She's worse in the holidays.

My Asd son was not diagnosed until 15 but holidays and especially Christmas were always the hardest times. It’s hard to grasp as they are the happy fun times for most kids but with hindsight the uncertainty and spontaneity and number of extra people always provoked other issues with sleep and behaviour.

I, to, wondered about being scared to be in the house on her own. Have you ever left her home alone, even for a few minutes?

It might be worth having a look at research around Retained Reflexes, including giving her Evening Primrose Oil daily to help with discomfort about labels and generally not feeling comfortable in her body.

Thanks so much for your replies. She definitely does have sensory issues; she's never been left alone in the house, but I was quite ill when she was younger (during COVID) so I worry she may have some attachment issues because of that which makes her clingy, but it could just also be her personality. She really is delightful, it's just so hard to see her struggling sometimes.

You could try washable liners if she doesn't like the feel of disposable ones, they're much softer. Minivivi make some specially designed for children, and if you contact the owner she can probably make some for you that are thinner than usual because it sounds like they're more for psychological reasons than to protect from actual leaks.

I would also try a magnesium supplement before bedtime which might help calm her nervous system a bit, helping with sleep and anxiety.

And I'm another one who thinks you should look into assessment for ASD.

Lots of other brilliant posters here so I don’t have much to add, but wanted to pick up on the cough. Have you had her checked for acid reflux or similar? I had it when I was younger and for 6 months my poor parents just thought it was a habit cough and it drove them nuts. My mum took me to the GP and they diagnosed acid reflux and gave me stuff to help and I felt SO much better and it basically went away. My parents felt terrible for not realising as they were usually very vigilant but it’s just one of those things, it was hard to recognise as it really did just sound like a normal cough, and probably became part of a habit because I got used to having it.

I also had obsessive behaviours as a child, mine were going through doorways 4 times, touching everything 4 times, coughing 4 times, picking up a pen 4 times etc. I’ll be honest, my parents found ignoring it was best and just letting me get on with it and I grew out of it. I genuinely believed if I didn’t do things 4 times my rabbit would die and so they could have told me anything and I’d have ignored them and still done it. I’m in my late 20s now and on the waitlist for an autism and potential ADHD diagnosis, and a lot of my behaviours as a child now make sense

I'd be wary of providing panty liners, because then you're kind of reinforcing her belief that something needs to be done about the wetness.

You have my sympathies, my DD was similar from a young age and developed quite a fear of leaving the house, she had various routines she 'had' to perform everyday. We sought help from CAMHS and she had some CBT which helped her a lot. My DD is older now, still prone to anxiety but her OCD behaviours are gone, she does have some intrusive thoughts but the CBT helped her deal with it better.

Also to add my DD had the 'wetness' worry. I explained to her that it can be normal to feel a bit wet down there a bit like inside our nose is always a bit wet. Of course, explaining it doesn't always make their thoughts disappear but keep reinforcing this to her and then distract her from it afterwards. It's hard, I know I've been there, and what eventually 'works' for one child may not work for another of course.

I just want to thank everyone again - I really appreciate your help. It's been a tough weekend :/ i think we're going to take her to the docs because it's getting really challenging. It's difficult, I'm not entirely sure ASD fits; possibly ADHD, but she's so up and down with her difficulties that we just forget about how insanely hard it is when things return to normal, and we've always assumed fnay ND would be all the time and not just after routine change, but will see what the docs say.

I think you’re doing the right thing OP. With some ND, girls can be quite adept at masking at times and there will be times when ND traits are more or less obvious.