AIBU

[Curlyfifteen]

Hubby takes kids to 11am cinema and I agree to meet them after and we all go to a cafe for lunch. I meet them and he wants to let them play in the arcade outside the cinema. I let him be in charge, its his outing. I highlight that if we want to go to a cafe we need to do it asap as little one will soon need a nap. I then highlight a while later that we are already in the nap window and its getting late but I also don't want to overstep on his outing.

I say I'm popping into the shop. Within minutes he texts me they are outside. I come out and he starts towards home. In my head I'm thinking they must have refused any lunch as he surely must have offered to grab them something from the shop. In hindsight I should have checked but I didn't - wanting to not be overbearing and let him manage the outing.

Get home and they are hungry begging me for lunch when I'm way behind with taking the little one to nap. I turn around and he is doom scrolling (again).

I felt so pee'd off that I end up with too many things needing done all at once, he took them out and didn't give them lunch. Now I need to feed them both and getting the little one down to nap before it's too late and impacts bedtime (which also means no evening time for me to unwind).

AIBU?

“I’m putting down little one for nap, will you make sandwiches for everyone”.

Did you actually say outloud you are already in the nap window?
You sound like his manager

And a martyr. .

I find men (generalising!) to be allergic to suggestion - when you 'highlight' or 'nudge' they're not listening. You have to be direct.

In this particular scenario it stopped being 'his outing' when you turned up, and imo you should either have gone in and got sandwiches for everyone as you could see the day spiralling, or said 'I'm going in to order and get a table and I'll call you when it's ready'. Basically just give a hard deadline.

I don't think anyone's being unreasonable - just human!

Yes I did.

Please tell me which but sounds like Im a manager and a martyr? Im asking because its hard to see your own habits…

Little one needed to eat too

What ages?

“The kids need lunch and the wee one needs a nap. What one are you doing?”

Yes in hindsight. In the moment I was flustered not knowing what to do first and not wanting to ask as it seems like im giving orders and i dont want to be in charge always especially when i thought i was having a morning in the back seat.

Why does one of you have to be in charge of the outing? Why can’t you work as a team?

Stop enabling this behaviour and acting the martyr. You are a team and need to work as such.

You seemed to do a lot of pointing out for someone trying not to take over!

Ha!

it’s not you OP…. Generally don’t let him be in charge .. perhaps review following his appraisal in 6 months 😉

I’m a little bit co trolling of dd 4 compared to dad, I am by far the default parent and that generally suits us fine apart from when I say I’m stressed or tired and can he help with something. He’s a good dad and our setup is generally good for us both. But like I say - if I suggest o need a little break because of …. He will say parentling dd (just turned 4 and potty training) is easy. Yet when he does take her out on his own which he is more than capable of he forgets things like her coat, nappy or change or spare clothes, emergency snacks or drinks, at home the place looks like it’s been ransacked and we’ve been burgled of I leave him in charge at home, food wasted when he dos her tea as he doesn’t really know how much or what she will eat etc…… he tries but that’s just how it goes haha x

I’m a little bit co trolling of dd 4 compared to dad, I am by far the default parent and that generally suits us fine apart from when I say I’m stressed or tired and can he help with something. He’s a good dad and our setup is generally good for us both. But like I say - if I suggest o need a little break because of …. He will say parentling dd (just turned 4 and potty training) is easy. Yet when he does take her out on his own which he is more than capable of he forgets things like her coat, nappy or change or spare clothes, emergency snacks or drinks, at home the place looks like it’s been ransacked and we’ve been burgled of I leave him in charge at home, food wasted when he dos her tea as he doesn’t really know how much or what she will eat etc…… he tries but that’s just how it goes haha x

When you met up outside the shop you should have said ‘shall we head to the cafe for lunch now’ since that was the plan. Why didn’t you presume they’d all had a conversation without you where he offered lunch and they refused it? And who knows maybe he thought you wanted to get home since you were talking about nap time but never actually mentioned the lunch plans either. Then when you got home you should have given him the option of sorting lunch or putting the youngest. Sure it would have been better if he’d taken the initiative but in the absence of that it’s better to direct him to do something useful rather than accepting him sat on his arse doom scrolling.

It seems really odd that you get flustered and worry about how you speak to your husband. In the situation you have described, which was day to day parenting rather than some kind of bombshell, conversations normally flow in a routine way.

Do you find yourself anxious in situations outside family life? If you don’t perhaps something is amiss with communication between the two of you.