Advice for finding the joy....

[Shleepymummy]

Have 2 DC, 4.5 and 2,5 yrs. I work part time, 3 long shifts so working days are a write off really, I'm out the house 7.30-5.30 and use the time when home to do kids wind down, bath, kids bedtime, clean up, laundry, shower myself, go to bed! My children aren't particularly hard work, some days easier than others but both will have those killer tantrums/be really difficult some days. My job is stressful, it's all consuming when I'm there and I often have work thoughts come home with me. Weekends are repetitive, park, see family, food shop, clean/chores. Repeat.
DH is fine 😂 like a roommate at the moment, he helps if asked, sometimes uses iniative but often not! He works hard at his job. We get on as much as two tired adults can do!
Children seem to favour DH, assuming because he's fun and plays/is with them when he's home where as I am often running about the house getting stuff done. If he leaves a room, won't be long before they follow him, leaving me in the room. I
They don't follow me. Just gravitate towards him but I am technically home with them more. If he's home, my daughter will ask him to do things for her, even if I'm right next to her. Find that sad. Puts me in the 'dad' role as per most textbooks, Instagram accounts about 'mum life'.
I just don't have any joy...... Love my children, but this life is just, bleurgh at the moment. Would like to make some changes in 2026 to bring some joy into my life and hopefully my kids will see more light in me and want to spend more time with me. Maybe they sense I'm moody and stressy and so naturally avoid me. I can't 'leave the mess' or do the whole 'laundry can wait', it's make me feel worse when house is a tip and the laundry/cleaning just waits for me, so then I have an overwhelming amount to do!
Any tips? I'm not depressed but would just like to be, happier 😕

Give your husband a solid list of tasks to be done when he's at home and you're at work. Same tasks every day. Dishes done. Benches cleaned. Living room floor cleaned. 1 load of laundry on. All dry laundry away. That'll take some of the stress of you. And ring fence an hour every day just to have quality time enjoying the kids. Either x3 20mins or x2 30 min etc. And something you will enjoy as well rather than tolerate.

Totally agree, your DH needs to do more clearing up and cleaning. Do you see your friends much? If not, I’d add that on to your list of changes you neex to make as well

You only work part time so you have 2 full days to yourself in addition to the weekends?

If you worked 5 days a week I'd get it but you get 2 whole days a week that most people don't.

Your DH needs to pick up more chores, you also need to set a limit to how long you spend doing chores in a day and also ring fence some hours where you just play and focus on the kids (preferably outside the house). Lastly, you need to protect some time towards your own hobbies and interests so you can unwind and feel fully human- a few hours a week where you focus on something fun.

If you have cash, outsource what you can. If you have nearby family see if you can get a regular slot where they look after the kids and your DH and you spend some 1:1 time together doing something fun.

I have my 2 year old on those 2 days. So I do school run for 4 year old, then it's activity with 2 year old, normal house hold stuff, lunch, park/library with 2 year old then school run to pick up 4 year old and then I am at home with both of them. I don't have any days to myself, let alone 2!! If I worked full time, i wouldn't do any childcare....perhaps easier?!
And weekends, I still have to look after the children. They are not self sufficient at under 5.

Thank you for the tips. Will look at ring fencing time for just focusing on children and getting DH to do some chores.
sadly not a lot of family support but I might try for once a month to give us some time which would help!

I think you need to slow down a bit and learn to be more present in the moment. Connect with your kids more, get on their level, be silly and make each other laugh. Doesn’t take much, 5 mins here and there makes a big difference. These young years go by so quick. I think there’s a lot of joy to be found in enjoying these precious moments with small children…

To be brutally honest I think its just heads down until your youngest starts school. Joy might be a push! Perhaps thankfullness rather than joy is a more achievable aim? I didn't feel joyful with DS until he was school age. I felt supremely privileged to have him but it was hard work, boring and extremely tiring. Combined with work = hard slog. A lot more joy is to come as they flourish, become more self sufficient and you can reclaim some of yourself. Hang in there!

I see, I assumed the 2 year old would be at nursery. I would consider putting her in nursery for another day tbh, that is indeed intense. I would rather be at work 😅

Play actively with them. Be the tickle, kiss or sock monster and chase them, get a puppet that wants to do the same. Play with a ball outside. Put some music on and have a dance.
This will uplift all your spirits and make things a bit lighter. Just a few minutes here and there is enough to make an impact.

Children. They know they are secure with you, so they actively try to charm your DH to make sure he sticks around.
It will get easier once they're both at school!

Thank you- this is reassuring to hear. And sounds sensible, best to just embrace it and accept it rather than fight it whilst it's such hard work.

Bring present with the kids for at least some of the time is key, but it sounds as though your stressful job might make it harder to switch off.

Do you play actively with your 2 year old in the park and read with them in the library? Can you abandon the routine to take them on short fun trips that you both look forward to whilst the 4 year old is in school (museums/ galleries/ gardens)? I think lowering your expectations of cleanliness of your home is acceptable if they are 2 and 4. Have a basket to sweep clutter into to make time to actively play with your kids (weekend family job to sort out basket of clutter together). Or get them involved in jobs and play games with them/ set challenges to music etc. I think the small things count in bringing joy.