Son only interested in gaming

[Me43]

My son is 13 and generally a lovely boy. He enjoys school, has a lot of friends including a group of about 5 close friends. He does a couple of sports and never complains about going, but equally he isn’t that bothered about them either and I feel like if I didn’t remind him it’s football tonight or whatever, he wouldn’t ask or get ready. He will generally do as he’s told. My issue is that he doesn’t really want to do anything other than gaming and watching YouTube. If he’s in the house he’s gaming/watching YouTube. We have to go out just to get him off for a while. (But even then he’s staring at his phone while in the car, in a restaurant, even when he’s getting dressed or having breakfast!) I’ve suggested he help cook a meal, read, do some Lego, play a board game with us, draw, learn to play an instrument - anything really! - but he’s not interested! How do we reduce his gaming time without falling out with him and causing problems, because he is actually a good boy? I have a friend who is incredibly strict with screen time and her son rebelled massively, now refuses to go to school, uses bad language, etc. and I don’t want this to happen with our son.
Thanks for any advice.

I’m sure someone will be along shortly with more constructive advice, but one of mine went through this phase, and I despaired, but he’s now 27, is self employed and a very productive young man. Not because of any thing I did, he just matured in his 20s. I hope that gives you some hope.

My son is very similar. It’s also alien to me, I feel very concerned about it and feel that I have allowed gaming to ruin him. It’s all he seems to be interested in. My only comfort is that I meet many parents who say that their child went through a similar period, but have come out of it absolutely fine.

Long answer, sorry, I wouldn’t assume that being strict on screen time will automatically lead to massive rebellion, not do you have to go from your current situation to super strict. But it is in your gift to set the limits, he won’t. My son would game or watch you tube all day if we let him but he knows it isn’t an option. He get some time per day, which on a non school day he chooses to use right after breakfast. Then he gets tv time after dinner, which he tends to use on YouTube videos. He comes off that an hour before bed as we found it was too stimulating and making it hard for him to get to sleep. So for his final hour awake we often watch something calmer as a family. If you currently have no limits then setting them and enforcing them will be hard but clarity and consistency is key. And remember why you’re doing it and help him understand why you’re doing it. My son might not like it but we’ve talked to him about where our responsibility as parents lies when it comes to helping him manage the massively addictive nature of screens, which he isn’t equipped to do that on his own. The obvious question then is, what will he do with the non-screen time he finds himself with and that is also tough. My son doesn’t like the quiet things his siblings do, like reading or drawing. He finds it really hard to figure out what to do with himself if he isn’t on a screen, with friends or out doing something. He bounces around, bugs his brother and can be a difficult energy to have bouncing around the house. So letting him game always feels tempting from my point of view too, but I know it isn’t the right thing. I often have to help him figure out what to do or he does work through them come down after being in screen and figure something out. You feel yourself it isn’t right for him to be gaming and on YouTube all day so I see managing some of the harder behaviour he has when not on a screen as the price I pay for that conviction. I recommend ‘Boymom’ by Ruth Whippman. Recently published and has some really useful insights into boys today, so many of whom are like this, and the evidence on screens and games etc.

Gaming and watching YouTube are very different things (unless he is watching videos about gaming?).
YouTube videos can often be a lot of nonsense so cutting down on those may be a good idea but if he enjoys gaming why can't that be his hobby?
He could join groups and take part in tournaments. Go to events (comic-con style but for gaming).
If you accept this as his hobby then why would there be any falling out.

The truth is that a lot of young boys are very into gaming.

Moreover, it is not the worst hobby in the world. More importantly is WHAT games he is playing. Games are good for problem solving, building general knowledge, reflexes etc.

There are many people,.my hubby included, who are still gamers as adults (the average age of a gamer is now 41!), yet hold down professional jobs and are well assimilated, productive members of society and their families and friendship groups.

My husband,.in his 30s, has a gaming session every couple of weeks with his friends, who are lawyers, doctors, teachers etc.

I wouldn't worry tbh.

Same! My son is 13 and it’s all he’s interested in. He hasn’t been out with his friends all holidays and I’m torn between forcing him to come off or leaving him to it and hoping it’s just a phase.

Why do people buy their children gaming equipment and then complain they enjoy gaming?

Everything in moderation. If he is not being moderate in his use, it’s your responsibility as parents to help him. Gaming can be addictive because of the dopamine hit it gives you. Nothing will seem exciting or stimulating in comparison so he will always choose it if he can.

I would talk to him about how these platforms are deliberately designed to be addictive. That you worry about the lack of moderation, as you would be if he was spending all his time on any one activity. It’s not a choice between incredibly strict limits and no limits at all. You decide the amount of time you are happy with, discuss it with him and then set the devices with those limits. Many of us need to do this - I do as an adult!

Yes, there are adults who game moderately but there are also adults who are addicted to YouTube, gaming, porn and other screen-related things. He needs help to learn moderation because like all of us, he can’t fight the algorithm alone.

Same here! But I don't mind too much. He's playing Minecraft mostly, nothing violent, and often chats to friends while playing. It's the YouTube videos he watches (about gaming) that frustrate me - in the car, in the bathroom etc. But he does also like Lego and one particular board game. And is just genuinely lovely. So I'm letting the gaming hobby be his thing.

This is unhelpful. The OP has not posted that she is worried because he enjoys it, she’s posted that he spends almost all his waking time on it and enjoys nothing else.

I have a family safety app on my son’s PC, where you can put screen time on , and it gives you the option to lock the screen. He has 4 hours a day , he can request more , but it’s not given unless absolutely necessary. It gives you a weekly update on screen time , what he’s been searching and break down of what he’s doing . He only for the PC at Christmas so it’s been more than 4 hours , but the last two days Iv cracked down on it .

also I can lock the pc remotely so , if he’s not doing something I need him to do , then it gets locked til his chores are done .

I also talk to my DC about screen etiquette. It’s not polite to be on the phone in company and especially if someone is trying to engage with you. I model this myself - if I’m on my phone at home I put it down when someone wants to talk to me and give them my full attention.

My ds went through that phase, exactly.

When he was 16 I told him he needed to get a Saturday job, more because I wanted him out, interacting with other people, than for a financial reason. He liked swimming so I suggested he train as a pool life guard.

I left it a while, then he booked himself on a course. Qualified at 16, got a job just after his 17th birthday.
It has completely changed his attitude. He cycles himself to work, loves his job, has responsibility, confidence, money and self respect, and some new friends. He still likes gaming but is much more prepared for university now.

Don't worry too much just yet. Your ds is still young. Keep nudging him to try new things, and give him time.

That's what having a hobby is usually all about. A lot of people only have one specific hobby which is important to them.
Edit : she also said she spends time "watching YouTube" which is completely different to gaming. So he is doing different things.

I wouldn’t worry too much if he goes happily to school and enjoys a couple of sports. Sounds like he is getting out of the house.

At 13 mine where only allowed on their phones or gaming for a maximum of an hour a day in the week and 3hours at the weekend. We put a limiter on their phone it worked brilliantly.

Talk to him about it before you set anything up.And say you're worried about the amount of time he's on it.And that it can be bad for his mental health. My friend, who is a psychologist says she has so many young people coming through her clinic who have extreme anxiety and a common thread with them all is that they spend hours on screens.
Having really clear boundaries set up made it much easier to enforce.
When we did this to mine, they quickly adapted to it.And now have a huge variety of interests between them. They all started reading again, making plans with friends outside of just gaming, baking, playing football in the park, going to the gym, playing board games, art stuff, lego etc was amazing to see.

Perfectly normal. I have two now adult sons with their own homes and great jobs and they were the same. His friends will likely be the same and it’s a bonding thing for boys that age. They can connect with each other and play online together. Just ensure he’s not talking to weirdos via the games and that the games are age appropriate.

My DC was into table tennis. He was in a club and we had a table at home that he spent a lot of time practicing on. He did spend many hours a week on table tennis. But he was also interested in schoolwork, watching TV, in-person socialisation, reading, spending time with his family. He was capable of taking pleasure in other things. He could have conversations in a restaurant and a week off table tennis when we went on holiday. That's a hobby. Anything that you do incessantly and can't stop thinking about is an addiction.

I would say that with teens and any boundary, it has to be a combination of firmness (ie you can't be afraid of falling out with them) and dialogue. When you are confident in your reasons and explain them clearly, they will usually accept what you say, particularly if you already have invested in building a positive, authoritative relationship with them. If there are elements you can negotiate on, find them and offer to negotiate. In this situation it's quite straightforward. You think too much gaming/screen time is killing his motivation for other activities. Explain this clearly, explain why it has that effect and what the issues are. Tell him that screen limits are needed. Then offer to negotiate on the times and administration of the limits. If he is generally a good kid he will likely respond well to this approach.

Ime if you are confident, firm and open to listening, and you give good reasons for your decisions, your DC will respect your opinions.

Yes but the OP said he does some sports and didn't say it causes issues with school.
He enjoys gaming. So what?

@loveev could you share the name of the app you use please?

OP, my young adult son was addicted to gaming at 12/13 and when he was with his father as a teen would be allowed unlimited access to - and regularly stay up ALL night etc - it worried me so much.
When with me, I always explained to him that his studies and family chores/commitments must come first but that if they were done well and with an okay attitude he could do his favourite activities (game) after with my blessing.
We focused on things like maintaining his good grades, sleep hygiene, doing something physical every day (helping dig the garden/clean windows etc counted), and then he could relax.
He’s now in his final year of his degree, doing exceptionally well, and has a varied social life, travels a lot etc…gaming is still something he enjoys but it’s far, far lower down on his agenda

The problem is that he doesn’t want to do anything else. If my DC had thought about table tennis incessantly and played non-stop and the only way to stop him was to take him away from it, I would have been worried. It’s just not a healthy balance.

its called Microsoft Family safety it has a green love
love heart logo.

Fairly normal as that’s how they socialise a lot. Mine comes off if he’s got something else to do.

Interesting thread...

I recently interviewed a researcher who studies video gaming. The interview is linked below.

We talked about things like whether the type of game makes a difference, credit card controls, and whether tracking time spent on gaming actually make a difference.

I’d love to know what followers of this thread think — would this kind of video be useful for parents?