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Original poster

Sleepovers with girlfriend

28 replies

Havenotwantnot · 31/12/2025 03:00

I have 2 teenage boys 16 and 14 the eldest has a lovely girlfriend and has been seeing her for over a year.
when they first started seeing each other I spoke with her parents and they set a rule that they weren’t to be left alone at either home together. I was happy with that and appreciated that they had set boundaries for their daughter.

recently my son and girlfriend have asked for a sleepover ( by sms on the evening being requested) I said no because 1 her parents have their rules against it and I wasn’t comfortable with it either.

Apparently the girlfriend’s mum has now changed her stance and has said he is allowed to sleepover. I haven’t heard from her yet.

But I know I need to revisit the issue and I am struggling. I don’t want to be the super strict parent that is in denial but I also want to make sure my decision doesn’t open the door to more issues down the track.
This girlfriend is lovely and they have been seeing each other for a while, but they are still young and I have a younger son to think of too. If he has a girlfriend, will he then assume she can sleepover too.

My parents didn’t discuss anything with me, weren’t at all open. I was only allowed my husband to stay after we were married etc so I am trying hard to be more open and honest with my kids but sometimes it is difficult to know where to draw the line!

Any experienced parents input would be appreciated
TIA

OP posts:
Cotton55 · 31/12/2025 03:17

In my opinion, 16 is far to young to allow sleepovers. Yes, they may already be having sex, and not allowing sleepovers isn't going to stop that. However, they are very young emotionally to have to cope with all that this further step entails. They're still children and by not allowing sleepovers, this can take pressure off either one of them who might find themselves wanting some time apart every now and again for whatever reason. Also, if you allow it once, where do you stop? Every weekend? Twice a week? And I certainly wouldn't make any decisions until you talk to her parents. It seems a huge leap for them to go from not being allowed alone in the house to being allowed sleepovers. Plus, I would definitely be thinking of your younger son and the influence it would have on him.

Cotton55 · 31/12/2025 03:19

I would also make sure you have a serious talk about contraception with your son.

Original poster
Havenotwantnot · 31/12/2025 03:50

Thank you! I appreciate your thoughts!

that is what I was thinking too, I don’t think they are sexually active, but who knows really! But I wouldn’t know when they would have opportunity!
We have had a good chat about contraception! I found that really difficult considering my parents wouldn’t acknowledge sex existed! I’m am getting there!!

OP posts:

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HollyGolightly4 · 31/12/2025 04:35

16 year 11, or 16 year 12?

Iloveagoodnap · 31/12/2025 05:00

When I was a teenager my parents’ rule was that you had to be an adult in a long term relationship to have a partner sleepover. In fact they might have said married, but I had an unmarried aunt and uncle and I’m sure they would have put them in the same room if they’d ever stayed over. The boyfriend I had aged 17-20 was never allowed to sleep in my room and the most he was allowed was to sleep on the sofa downstairs the odd time we were getting back really late or going somewhere together really early. I plan to adopt similar rules for my two boys if it ever comes to it. I know people say ‘they’ll do it anyway’ but knowing my mum would be horrified if I got pregnant as a teenager did stop me from doing anything too quickly in a relationship. So I don’t think it helps anyone for kids to think you’re too chill about their relationships. If there is no reason for your son to be sleeping over at that house then I would say no. I would also speak to her parents and ask why they’re changing their minds. The kids might be playing you off against each other and making you think they’re ok with it and them think you’re ok with it when really none of you want it to happen. So I would check with them and let them know you’re happy to keep the status quo of no sleepovers.

Original poster
Havenotwantnot · 31/12/2025 05:27

HollyGolightly4 · 31/12/2025 04:35

16 year 11, or 16 year 12?

Year 11 and she is only just 16

OP posts:
EvolvedAlready · 31/12/2025 05:28

wayyyy too young!!!

LavenderBlue19 · 31/12/2025 05:32

I think 16 is too young, especially at only just 16. You'll have to speak to the parents. They might be thinking now she's 16 she's legal, or they might know nothing about it. Either way, you're free to make your own rules.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/12/2025 05:51

I have a year 13 dd, who hasn’t had a serious enough bf to stay over yet. I think year 11 regardless that they are now 16 is too young. At the very least and even though they’ve been together a long time, imo it should be not before the end of year 11. Even that is very young and I wouldn’t be making it a regular thing. They’re still kids and should be focusing on exams and their future right now.

Edit : to add my friend has allowed this with her year 12 dc and year 11 gf. But there is a strictly enforced separate bedrooms until age 18. I would not be enforcing the separate bedrooms to 18 either though.

whiteblossoms · 31/12/2025 06:05

That would be a firm no from me also. I didn’t allow sleepovers until my kids were 18 and even then, only with a long term partner. I don’t think teenagers are emotionally ready for adult sleepover relationships before then (regardless of whether or not they are having sex).

If you allow it earlier you set the bar for future relationships and younger siblings. I think teenage relationships should be about having fun, going on dates, out with friends etc and not have the burden/pressure of sleepovers.

awrbc81 · 31/12/2025 06:26

I’d say no if you’re uncomfortable. I think 16 is on the young side for this kind of sleepover.
It would be year 12 at the youngest for me, probably would say no until 18

wonreasleyy · 31/12/2025 06:39

I know 16 is the age of consent but it still seems young to me, still in school and allowed to have a sex ? I wouldn’t be comfortable with it

firstofallimadelight · 31/12/2025 10:57

It’s not the sex it’s the level of intimacy and gravitas it gives a relationship. My DDs were both over 18 and in long term relationships before they bfs could sleep over.

Devilsmommy · 31/12/2025 11:00

When I was 16 this wouldn't have been a problem but I think 16 year olds nowadays aren't as emotionally mature as we were back then. If you're not comfortable with it then just tell them that until they're 18 it's not happening

HollyGolightly4 · 31/12/2025 11:27

Havenotwantnot · 31/12/2025 05:27

Year 11 and she is only just 16

Show quote history

That would be a definitely not from me! I think it's a bit trickier when they're nearly 17 and at college, because they're starting to experience some more of the adult world, but at school I'd stick to no sleeping over!

DisappearingGirl · 31/12/2025 11:38

I'm relieved to see the responses on here because on other similar threads I've seen a lot of "They're adults" and "They'll have sex anyway if they want to".

But I've always had a gut feeling that it's not just about whether they're having sex - I feel like sleeping in the same bed as a boyfriend/girlfriend is a very adult thing to do.

My kids aren't there yet so I'm not sure how I'll navigate it.

When my university boyfriend came to stay in the 90s, he stayed in a separate room. My parents weren't overly strict but it just wouldn't have been the done thing for him to stay in my room/bed.

JasonTindallsTan · 31/12/2025 11:45

We’re allowing my 15 year old son to stay at his also 15 years old gfs tonight (both v soon to be 16). But that’s after I’ve spoken to her parents, confirmed the room (separate) arrangements and set out to all involved that this is a one off because it’s Nye (they’re having a party they’ve kindly invited son to) and not to be pointed to as a precedent in the near future.

You have to do what you’re comfortable with.

Mydadsbirthday · 31/12/2025 12:29

I'm really glad to read this thread as we're in a similar situation (or will be imminently). I'm also of the view that 16 is just too young even though they're "legal", for reasons others have stated.

In our situation our DS is 15 and in year 11, his GF is a year older than him and they've been together for a year.

He recently called at 10pm after they'd been out for their anniversary asking to stay over at hers as it was getting late and I was pretty cross at being put on the spot and said no - I won't be allowing this anyway anytime soon after reading this thread.

Readingislife · 31/12/2025 12:42

I was 16 when I started sleeping over my now husbands parents home. I moved in with him at 17 to our own place. I think I was old before my years but looking back its young. I was 16 and left school though.

Original poster
Havenotwantnot · 31/12/2025 12:42

DisappearingGirl · 31/12/2025 11:38

I'm relieved to see the responses on here because on other similar threads I've seen a lot of "They're adults" and "They'll have sex anyway if they want to".

But I've always had a gut feeling that it's not just about whether they're having sex - I feel like sleeping in the same bed as a boyfriend/girlfriend is a very adult thing to do.

My kids aren't there yet so I'm not sure how I'll navigate it.

When my university boyfriend came to stay in the 90s, he stayed in a separate room. My parents weren't overly strict but it just wouldn't have been the done thing for him to stay in my room/bed.

Yes!
I’m feeling bolstered by these responses! My gut is that it’s far too young and that really until they are in adult meaningful relationships then it’s a no to sleep overs!
I agree it’s not just about the sexual aspect but the intimacy which I don’t think they are ready for or should be!
thank you all for your thoughtful responses!
thus was my first post on mums net and I was prepared for a mixed bag of comments!

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 31/12/2025 12:46

If they sleep in different rooms and no door closed during hang out time maybe.

But generally no. It’s unnecessary temptation for both of them to do something stupid.

speak to her mum on the phone and let them know you won’t be doing it. No need to adultify and play at an adult relationship. They’re kids there are rules and boundaries. And that’s ok

Ilovelurchers · 31/12/2025 12:49

I would allow sleepovers at 16 and over. If I was uncomfortable with the relationship for any reason I would discuss it with my daughter and address it that way, rather than issuing a ban.

This may sound like a clichéd point, but once young people are sexually active, denying them a safe place to be so puts them at massive risk.

I can remember having sex in all sorts of dangerous and degrading places when I was young - I would never ever wish that on my daughter.

She knows I would prefer her to wait till beyond 16 ideally, because of my views on the emotional pressures and complexity of sex

But she also knows I will never judge her, and will always prioritise her safety first and foremost.....Physical safety is paramount to me, and emotional safety a close second, because you can't have the latter without the first.

DisappearingGirl · 31/12/2025 16:27

This may sound like a clichéd point, but once young people are sexually active, denying them a safe place to be so puts them at massive risk. I can remember having sex in all sorts of dangerous and degrading places when I was young - I would never ever wish that on my daughter.

Hmm this is a good point. And makes me wonder - would I allow them to be in their room with the door shut during daytime/evening, just not allow sleepovers? Or not allow being alone together either, and if so until what age? It's tricky and not sure how I'll navigate it!

birdysong · 31/12/2025 16:38

Could one sleep in a seperate room?

blankcanvas3 · 31/12/2025 16:48

I allowed sleepovers when DS turned 16 with his gf (similar length of relationship to your DS) when he was still in year 11. They slept in separate rooms until they went into year 12, now they’re allowed to sleep in the same room. Big chat about safe sex, bought them loads of condoms and then not long afterwards the GF actually came to talk to me about going on the pill. No pregnancy scares yet, and they’re both very sensible.