How to help my DC’s, the situation is getting worse.

[worriedsickson19]

Hi all,

Long back story here, I am divorced for nearly 7 yrs, 2 DCs 19 m and 15 f. My exH is an alcoholic, he has good periods and bad periods. Right now he is 5 months into a very bad period, he has been in rehab 4 times (sticking plaster to dry out) but doesn’t follow the programme. He admits to having a problem, until he doesn’t and then he is back on it big time. Think drinking to unconscious levels, seizures, disoriented etc. he started drinking again in Xmas Eve, kids stay with me if he is drinking as they don’t like his behaviour.
My main concern is how to help the kids deal with it, neither will talk to a professional, they are very angry and traumatised by his behaviour. What can I do to help?
I realise It is not about me, but the guilt of bringing them into this situation, making a bad choice about who I parented with and not being able to protect them from this trauma is breaking me.
can anyone suggest how I help them, what Would should say to comfort them?
TIA

I don’t think you can comfort them particularly - this is a bad situation all around, and they can see that. You can be there for them as much as possible though.

My Dad was an alcoholic, and he died relatively young from something that was probably related. i hope this isn’t the case for your ex, but he does sound quite poorly.

How often do they see him? I definitely think there shouldn’t be any pressure over this.

Sorry OP, I just read how much you’re struggling - please know that none of this is your fault.

I think there might be some groups that help the partners and families of alcoholics, but I don’t have any experience of reaching out to these.

I’m really sorry OP.

There will be support groups for families of alcoholics, maybe give AA a call and ask them to point you in the right direction?x

may be point them in the direction of support groups @worriedsickson19

For your daughter and for your son

Thanks for suggesting the support groups, but they are point blank refusing to talk to anyone other then me, very occasionally and their Gran, exH’s
mother, who spent years downplaying the situation, “my son isn’t an alcoholic” and minimising the impact on the kids. They get constantly guilted to support him, see him, do thinks for him, by exMIL, she cry’s all the time, they feel terrible for her.
They are supposed to be 50/50 with him and myself, but when he is drinking they don’t stay at his. Unfortunately that means I am picking up the pieces, emotionally as well as financially (really struggling) as well as missing out on things in life that I have arranged, booked etc

I still think a support group could be helpful for you, and you could mention some things that have been said to your DC in passing.

The update about your exMIL is really concerning - her behaviour doesn’t sound like it’s fair on your DC at all. I’d have a word with her, it sounds like she’s in denial, and making everything worse for everyone else.

I'm so sorry, it's a very difficult situation for all involved 😔 can you join a support group yourself and maybe in time, if they see it's helping you, they might decide to join you? In the meantime, just being there to listen and give them the time and space to talk is all you can do. I would firmly intervene with MIL if she puts pressure on them, that is not acceptable and you can tell her straight it's damaging for the children.

@MaarvaCarassiI have been trying to stop her doing this for years, she is very difficult and we have many, many other issues with her, including lack of any boundaries, which I am sure, including part doesn’t help with exH’s addiction problems

@Endofyear as above, I have been through this with her for years, I can’t stop the kids having contact with her, due to their age. I do try and talk to them about her “unhelpful” behaviour. I wish we could cut her out completely, I thought getting divorced would help with that, but now she has free range to do anything she wants when they are with their Dad 😞

@worriedsickson19

"they are point blank refusing to talk to anyone other then me", if they are reticent, both these support groups have online access, they wouldn't have to speak to anyone per se and they could retain their anonymity.

Do you not think that they are both old enough to be left at home so as not to impact any previous arrangements you have.

Or do they feel unsafe/unwilling to be left?

edited to clarify sentence

Iv been in your childrens situation.
they might be mad at him now but he’s their dad and they obviously love him a lot.
Try and chat with them so they can seperate things.
Just because he’s “doing a bad thing” it doesn’t make him a bad man.
Talk about the nice times they’ve shared with him funny stories and times he’s been there for them.
It will help them to separate his drinking from their dad.
let them hate the alcoholism whilst still loving him .
let them look after him a bit tins of soup electrolytes, gaviscon etc
It will help maintain their relationship and also alleviate the guilt theyl inevitably feel 😔

There are books, AA for friends and families of alcoholics. The whole family is sick. The enabling, the downplaying, the endless drama. If they won't talk to anyone, buy the book, maybe they ll read it.

@Alicorn1707, yes, the 19yr old could watch the 15yr old overnight, but he is acting out, leaving the house at silly times of the morning and I don’t want my 15yr old left home alone overnight. I have left them both during the day and into the evening, but if they are really upset, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my plans and would feell like am letting them
down.

@Mucky1yes, thanks, they do love him very much, they are scared he will hurt himself, even accidentally. GP gives him diazepam, which goes against current NICE guidance, which worries me that he might take too much along side alcohol. We do talk about it being an illness, and how it doesn’t make him a bad person, just a person who loves them and shouldn’t make promises to them, when it’s not possible to keep them. Unfortunately over the years, his alcohol problem has ruined every Christmas, New Year, birthday and holiday, so they are grieving yet another ruined Christmas right now 😞

@Mollydoggersonthanks, I will have a look at that, maybe me talking through that would help, I think for me, getting it straight that I cannot make it better, is really important as I feel
so guilty.