13yr old DS advice please

[everydaysaschoolda]

I need some advice re DS 13. Please be kind

All he wants to do is be on his PS. He doesn’t come down for food when it’s ready, have to shout him 5-6 times. Every nights it’s an argument to get him off, this is worst due to Christmas holidays and him thinking he should stay up late every night. He used to go to lots of sports clubs, in the last few months he’s not interested in anything, it’s an argument to get him to go that I’ve now ended up cancelling a few. We have a deal during term time he has to do homework first then be off by 8.30pm but his homework seems to take 5 mins, as soon as it finished he’s upstairs on it, eventually comes for tea, I normally have to switch off the WiFi to get him downstairs to eat, then when 8.30pm comes the arguments start l, I eventually get him off around 9pm. I give him 10 mins warning then 5 mins but it falls in deaf ears, again I end up switching off the WiFi

He bought the PS himself last year with birthday and Christmas money, this year he has over £200 birthday & Christmas money and is spending it all on his PS. I get an email whenever he makes a purchase, in the past week he’s spend £90 on Fortnite or FIFA. He argues it’s his money and he would rather have has PS vouchers so that I can’t comment on the money.

His siblings all save their money for something big/nice, they all have winter birthdays so we quite often do a summer experience with the money or they save it for something they really want. DH says he’ll realise when he has to miss out due to not having enough money, but I honestly don’t think he’ll care. He has become very entitled and basically a brat (I haven’t said any of this out loud)

Most of my friends say it is a phase, teenage hormones etc but I feel like I’m failing. I don’t want to argue with him everyday. I try to get him to come out to walk our dog or bake/cook something, help out with a chore but everything is an eye roll.

Can anyone offer advice please?

I took mine off him. He got 2 hours a day (he could choose when) and once they were up I would unplug it and lock it away. It was literally the only option. He’s 17 now and willingly only plays on it for an hour or two. It was actual hell when I first started doing it but after a few weeks he got used to it and accepted that I wasn’t going change my mind

You might find it extra difficult to get back into the school routine. Almost sounds like an addiction and an unhealthy one.
I’d be concerned about who he might be gaming with or talking to online.

Just because he has used his own money shouldn’t mean rules and boundaries don’t apply.
You can download and personalise gaming contracts or create your own.

This would set out strict times and restrictions for use. I’d carry on with turning the wifi off. You could add penalties and time lost for refusing to do certain tasks or not coming down for meals. Maybe extra time gained for going on walks/ doing chores.
Keep the contract quite watertight and refer to it rather than getting into discussions.

Five minutes isn’t long enough for a 13 year old’s homework. I’d put tighter restrictions in for 4 days a week term time.
Good luck!

Sadly this is quite common and something I'd never expected myself as a parent to battle with as well! DS is given a set time he has to be downstairs for and spend time together, this has always been an expectation so it's natural now and less arguments. He knows if he is rude or won't do it the PS will be taken away. He does enjoy it once he's off, we have 'supper' and wind down time.

Thank you so much, these suggestions are so helpful.

2 hours a day sounds like a good compromise He plays online with school friends, I do trust him that he wouldn’t play with someone he doesn’t know. We’ve had multiple conversations about strangers, grooming etc.

I hadn’t heard about the gaming contract but I’ll look into it, I’ve ordered a book called how to raise a healthy gamer, hoping that will help too. At the moment he’s doing well at school, he is a bright lad but obviously that could change if I don’t get this under control.

When I force him to walk, go out on bikes, watch tv together etc he does enjoy it and we have a lovely conversation about the use of his PS. He seems mature, agrees with what I’m saying, promises he’ll try harder then the next time he’s on it, everything we spoke about is forgotten.

I feel so much better knowing I’m not the only one and other parents have gotten it under control

I would relax a bit during the holidays. Explain to him you're giving a bit of leeway because it's the holiday.

When back to school i would chat to him and say you want him to keep up his sport (maybe pick one) and eat with the family and switch off by X time (9:30pm here) and have all homework/chores done. Have. A conversation with him, ask him what he thinks is reasonable to expect - he might suprise you. I always find this yelds better results than telling him 'this is happening because adults make the rules' .